rkhere19's picture
rkhere19

MIL died, FIL moved in... Marriage going down hill

My MIL died unexpectedly in March, my husband has since taken over every detail in his dad's finances, decision making (he's 63 and still works full time). I guess everything really started during the funeral arrangement process, my husband stayed with FIL the entire week from the day she died until the day of the funeral. He asked me to help him with funeral arrangements, then would take over, I made the mistake of asking FIL about paul bearers and my husband snapped at me and I shut up, walked away and was trying to be understanding of them grieving. My husband then completely attacked me and accused me of making everything about me and making his dad uncomfortable. We argued and I told him it was best if he left, he called me with lots of I'm sorry's and I forgave, I understood he was grieving. Little did I know, 4 months later, that would be thrown in my face.

We decided it would be best to have FIL move in with us and so as a family we purchased a bigger home, FIL supplied the down payment, husband makes the monthly payment which FIL could not do. FIL has over 1000 sq ft of house to himself, living room and bedroom, fridge, micro, etc. Husband laid out the plans of after he moved in that he would come down a couple of times per week for dinner and basically have his own life. This was brought on by the fact that he would come to our home twice a week for dinner, and during that time I was virtually non-existent, he would sit in my spot next to my husband, sit in the front seat when we would go out, not offer to move, etc. I was feeling like a 3rd wheel, so husband sets up the plan.

None of that has happened. FIL started off following me around the house, and he's very touchy feely, I'm not, I can't stand for people to be in my personal space, much less touch me, an issue that we had with MIL that husband understood, FIL is down all the time, he's doesn't clean up after himself, ie salts his plate and the whole section of the table then walks away and leaves the chair out for me to clean up and push in. Now, if this was how life always was, I'd understand but even his wife didn't do that, after she died he lived on his own for 5 months and was able to clean up after himself just fine.

I started off talking to husband about it, like hey, if he wants clean clothes he needs to bring them down, etc. My husband informed me that FIL would NOT listen to me, and after telling him 3 times to bring clothes down, he didn't. But yet after a week out of town wanted to know if I noticed his hamper was overflowing? I informed him that I don't chase down clothes to wash, not even for my husband or my 2 teenage kids. Husband informed me that there was no "non-rude" way to say that. So adding on things here and there and now I'm [filtered word]ing about petty things. Like the dirty mattress cover and sheet that he unpacked from his home and put in the guest room on top of clean blankets. But hey I'm nagging, I try to just keep going and not "nag". My husband defends FIL to no end. His words "I don't want my dad to have to worry about anything".

So the last straw for me today was when my 15 year old daughter told me that FIL had pinched her on the butt trying to sneak up on her and scare her.

I know he's not "that" kind of man, HOWEVER, it's HIGHLY inappropriate and I DO NOT think it's ok.

My husband thinks I'm blowing this out of proportion. I am sickened, he is defending his dad AGAIN over his daughter now.

An arguement starts in which I am once again the bad guy, I'm picking on his poor dad and making him feel bad and that's just wrong of me to do this. His words, I need to learn to live with him. Then they were changed to his meaning of we all need to get a long. Apparently, FIL has said something since my husband mentioned that I don't want to talk to FIL when he gets home from work and that I don't really talk to him. I'm making him uncomfortable in our home.

FIL also says inappropriate things to our friends and my family, he uses words that I do not approve of, but I am not supposed to say anything.

Honestly, I just don't know what to do. For the first time in my 17 year marriage, I've thought of leaving at least twice a month. I've been a stay at home mom for 3 years now, but am really thinking of going back to work to just not be home, and to be able to move out.

I really and truly love my husband and wish he could just see that he's putting his dad over our marriage. When will it end.... And I'm really hoping it won't be our marriage...



lovelife240's picture
lovelife240
for starters he is a guest in your home and i would make that clear. sounds like hes taking advantage of you and he knows it. i would sit your husband and fil down together and i would tell them how you feel and how its gonna be or i would leave. your husband should be ashamed of himself for letting his f treat you that way. if he loved you this wouldnt even be an issue,
Pearl333's picture
Pearl333
Don't take leaving lightly because marriage is a commitment in good times and bad. It doesn't seem that this is really what you want to do anyway. I know it's uncomfortable but you must try and talk to Fil. He needs to understand that he is making you feel unappreciated and uncomfortable. Just make sure he knows that you care for him and want him to feel at home too. It's hard to loose a parent and your husband is probably trying to save his dad from pain but he needs to understand that he can't. No matter what he does his father still lost his wife. His dad is a man and should be treated as such. Tenderness and love is necessary but making excuses and allowing unhappiness for others in his family is too much. I'll say a prayer for your marriage. I don't know your faith but do believe that love comes from god. If he is in your marriage it can't be broken.