concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Men and their naps: Some explanations please!

Can anyone please explain to me why men need to take afternoon naps when they're home? I stay home w/ my kids, but I'm lucky if I get 20 mins of unwind time for myself, nevermind a nap. When my husband's not working, it's very easy for him to lie in front of the TV, remote in hand, sprawled across the couch. Before long he's snoring away.
I understand that he works long days, but he also has a great schedule w/ 4 consecutive days off per wk. His excuse is that he's catching up on the 3 full days (14 hrs each)when he does work. The thing is I'm up at the same time in the morning as my husband, and my day doesn't end until we're ready to go to bed. I have the kids all day every day, I cook, clean, do laundry....
Don't get me wrong, my husband does help around the house, but it's usually b/c I ask him too. Then I feel guilty b/c I hate to ask #1, and #2, I almost always get that "huh" moan from him.
My husband knows how hard it is to stay home and take care of the kids. It took him one day to realize this. Yet, still I find I have to ask him for help or just time so I can get a break too. Even if he'd take the kids outside to play baseball w/out having to be asked, that wld be great.
Are there any women out there that are going through a similiar situation that cld shed some light on this subject? Also, are there any men out there that are not from Mars who can relate to us women from Venus? If you are from Mars (definitely my husband's planet), however, can you please explain this "couch potato mentality" better to me. I'm still trying to figure it out and keep an open mind before I go and throw that bucket of cold water over my husband's head. (Just kidding!)
Any insight wld be greatly appreciated. Thanks!



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

My ex was the same way. We lived together for a few months before we married and he could not have been more from Venus. Within a few weeks of marriage, it went downhill. I work 60 hrs per week to his 30 hrs, though we make the same amount of money. He stated he had the right to relax when he is not working because he worked so much harder than I do. So I would work 10-12 hrs per day, come home and see nothing done and him on the couch snoozing. Nothing I said made a difference. Good luck! This is a tough one!!!!!!!

acitez's picture
acitez

Men take naps, women get cranky. Men do the things that they notice need to be done. They don't mind being asked to do things. Women notice all the things that could be done. They do the martyr thing, try to do it all themselves, get exhausted and -- once again -- cranky, and then fly off the handle at the unsuspecting husband who would only be a martyr if it was truly necessary, and then would literally work himself into an early grave without complaint.


Write a honey do list. Put on it the things that you need help with, or the things that you just want to have no responsibility for at all. Decide whether a fine family or a perfect house is more important to you. Be gracious. Say thank you when people help you, even if they are helping you by putting away their own clothes.

Unless you married a jerk, or he genuinely has health problems, this will help.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Thx to both of you for your responses. I guess I just need to continue to ask if I want things to get done. It just gets frustrating at times, but knowing that my husband was raised by a mom who did everything for him and his brothers, I guess I can't totally fault him. Our house is not perfect by any means, and I do let things go sometimes so I can spend the time w/ our kids or do something else productive.
Acitez, you're right when you say men need that recognition or "thank you" for accomplishing tasks around the house. It's easy to take for granted those little things that you just expect to be done. I've said things like, "Do you want a medal?" or "There are star stickers in the drawer if you feel you need one." Those statements don't help, of course.
Well, thanks again for your suggestions. I'll keep plugging away over here.

2ndwife's picture
2ndwife

Here's just a different way of thinking about the frustration of "having to ask." I understand the frustration, because it seems to my brain as if all the adults who live in a household are responsible for the upkeep of the house. But my sister told me this.

If your marriage was a business partnership, you would outline on paper which partner was responsible for which part of the business. The partner who was better at sales would take care of sales, and the partner who was better at production would take care of production. Generally, women are better at noticing what upkeep needs to be done. Because we are good at that, it is our responsibility. It is such a waste of energy to be annoyed that we have responsibility for what we are good at.
So, instead of thinking that your husband is stupid, lazy, or exploiting you, do what acitez said, write down things like "Clean bathroom fixtures, organize and wipe down bathroom counters, polish mirror, once a week. Work with children to tidy livingroom before dinner every evening. Take Edwin to soccer practice on Thursday at 5." If you have a fulltime job outside the home, it ought to be a pretty long list. If you can, I think it would be good to brainstorm all the adult responsibilities and collaborate on dividing them up so that your husband can see that you aren't stupid, lazy or exploitative either.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Thx, 2ndwife. No, I'm not currently working, so most of the household chores fall on me. I don't mind that part. It's just when I need that extra assistance when my husband is home, that I wld appreciate if he'd offer to help, rather than wait for me to ask. For expl, we had company over last wkend. My husband was home watching TV while I was cleaning the house. When I asked him for help, he decided it was necessary to paint the trim around the doorway and work in the yard. I didn't think those things were priority, b/c to me, a clean bathrm is more important then a painted doorway, but my husband doesn't see it that way. I think he just wants to do what he likes doing, and he avoids what he doesn't like doing or feels is not his job to begin w/. I don't dispute that yardwork and painting are not hard jobs, b/c they are. But do these things have to take priority over a clean house or a prepared meal, especially when company is coming over? I had someone tell me once that, "Common sense is not that common." I guess there's some truth to that. 8-)

2ndwife's picture
2ndwife

A funny story, because it happened to somebody else. My other sister was having a big open house for my parent's 50th anniversary. When she asked her husband for help getting the home ready for the party (she didn't ask for specific things to be done) he bought about a dozen trees, rented a backhoe, put in a sprinkler system and landscaped the yard. All their children, of course, wanted to help Dad outside with the big machinery and novel activities.
There are three steps to getting good help from your husband.
1. Ask for specific things to be done.
2. Don't criticize what gets done. If he doesn't do it your way, realize that for years, you have not done it his way. He hasn't criticized you!
3. Say thank you.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Yup, that's my husband. Mr. industrial.
Thx for the pointers, though. They're very helpful!

Rafael's picture
Rafael

What "home" represent to each gender is different. "Home" for her is work and for him is relaxation. She relaxes in the stores shopping but don't fall asleep (gets excited). When he comes home he relaxes so much that some hormones put him to sleep. It is not that his wife is not intersting or bored as many thinks when that happens to their hubbies. Calm down and let nature runs its course.

acitez's picture
acitez

good to hear another point of view

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Yes, nice to hear a man's perspective on this subject. Thx for your input.