Kara's picture
Kara

living with in-laws - I need to MOVE OUT!!

Hi i need advice here. Any response will be strongly appreciated. i think this will be a bit longer, so please be patient...
It all started like this: I and my present husband were dating for already 2 years. He was still living with his parents and brother in their house, though it's not their house from long ago - they had moved into the capital city from another region only 3 years ago. My husband was working and supporting his family financially. When we decided to get married, he suggested that we lived with his family, and i said - no, i want to have privacy, my own home, etc. but 6 months before marriage i changed my mind and one damned night called him to tell him that i wanted to live with his family. Why? 1) I thought their apartment was very big and nice and i would want to 'lose' it, 2) I knew i would be a working mom, so i needed my MIL to care for my babies,(i thought i wouldn't trust baby-sitters) and 3) i simply wanted to make him HAPPY. So we got married and started living with his family. His brother got married and moved out to live with his wife in a separate apartment which they rented. I and my husband worked full-time and supported the whole family financially (we bought all the food, all the clothes for everyone, paid all the bills, and other necessary payments), my MIL never worked and was at home ALL THE TIME, and my FIL worked but kept all his money to himself (we never saw a penny from his salary). My MIL was horrible - she was overprotective towards her house, never let me at least a bit take over the house (even when i changed a position of a vase, a split second later that vase would be returned to its former place), she cooked horrible (when we came home from work the meal would be ready, so i didn't have the chance to cook and show my husband i COULD cook.). We never had any privacy - even when i and my husband decided to sit on the couch and hug each other simply watching TV, MIL would come and sit right next to us (MIL and FIL have a separate TV in their room!), and, my MIL LOVES to give HUGE amount of unwanted advice (imagine, i'm newly wed, want to 'show off' in front of my husband, and here comes she, MRS know-it-all, telling me that i'm ironing my husband's shirt way too wrongly, and need to sweep the floor this way, and not that way!). I started to go crazy bit by bit, and i was also pregnant with all the hormones racing. And also, i forgot to mention, she never liked anything i or my husband did, and would complain over everything and everyone, and her fights with her husband were ENDLESS!! (imagine, a newly wed couple, with endless fights in their home). I never felt myself home there. Soon i talked with my husband regarding moving out, and he said NO way.
During my whole pregnancy i was depressed and crying my eyes out. Soon my husband decided that we really needed to move out, on one condition only - if we bought earth and built a house. He didn't want to hear about buying an apartment or renting an apartment. But we needed to have much-MUCH money for that!
Soon i had my baby, and had to stay at home till she got a bit older. I stayed at home with my MIL, as FIL and my husband were at work. Needless to mention that all those 8-9 months i spent at home with her were AWFUL! I never trusted her with my baby, and considered getting a baby-sitter (!) in order to get back to work..................
We found a perfect baby-sitter and i left for work. So the baby-sitter and MIL watched my baby together. I still bring up the subject of renting or buying an apartment (buying apartment would be cheaper than building a house!), but in vain. He still doesn't want to listen the word 'apartment'. But he's working real hard and making money faster than before, but still, i think there are still 3-4 years till we can move out! he now himself often dreams aloud, saying 'i wish we lived separately from my parents', and i tell him 'then why don't you agree to do it ASAP, buy an apartment or rent one', and he says 'no way, i'd never buy an apartment and no word about renting, please'. So, i'm going crazier day-by-day. Now we're married for 2.5 years, and our daughter is 21 months old. I'm planning to take her to daycare when she turns 2.
Thanks for listening to my long vent and please give me any advice
Thanks a lot
Kara



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Most important, don't have any more babies until after you and your husband move out from your in-laws.

You and your husband need to save as much money as possible in order to get to your goal of living on your own. Your in-laws have trouble viewing you as adults because you are so dependent on them right now. Put yourselves on a very strict budget and stick to it. Find a picture of the home you want and look at it whenever you are tempted.

Do what you have to do to get along with your MIL in the meantime so your child can have as stable a home life as possible. Be patient. You can do it!

Kara's picture
Kara

thanks so much... you gave me hopes and a strength to tolerate all till me move out.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I understand your husband's perspective of wanting to buy land and build a house w/ you. I also hear what you're saying and feeling. I think you both need to take a step back and look and your options carefully. Consider what you're currently going through and what your future can be w/ the decision you make.
First of all, be considerate of each other's feelings. Listen to one another, and try to come to a compromise. I think if you can better your current living situation by making the best of it, that wld be a good option for you. However, if the situation is still unbearable, consider finding an inexpensive place to live.
As I see it, here's your options. You can stay at your in-laws' house and deal w/ the situation for a few more yrs. You can also get a job to help out and also speed up the process of getting your own place. I know you said you don't trust your MIL w/ your daughter, so maybe you can find a caregiver you trust that runs a childcare group in her home. That may be cheaper than going through a daycare center. Also, some companies now have childcare centers in their facilities. This wld be an ideal situation for you.
If none of these options are available to you, do whatever you can to get out of the house w/ your daughter. Go to the park, take trips to a museum, visit friends, arrange playdates outside of the home, etc. Still, if these things are not doable, and you find that you're totally miserable, I wld suggest seriously moving out. I understand that you and your husband have a goal to get your own home, but if it's going to get in the way of your relationship and your happiness, you need to compromise. Why not buy a condo or a small starter home? When you're ready, you can sell it and probably get more money than you paid for it. I wldn't put too much $ into it b/c it's temporary. Think of it as an investment. Then put the $ you gain from that home into your dream home. I agree w/ your husband that renting is not the solution. However, a small condo or house cld be a good thing. At least you and your husband wld have your privacy.
Think of it this way. Anything cld happen in 3 yrs. W/ this market, your husband cld lose his job. You also may want to have another baby. Then what? You're stuck.
Talk to your husband, and tell him how this is effecting you. For the sake of your relationship and your happiness, something's got to give. Good luck w/ whatever you guys decide.

Kara's picture
Kara

Thank you so much for the advice.

DriaH's picture
DriaH

I had a similar situation. Only our in-Laws moved in with us because of their financial situation. It was extremely difficult. I would not have imagined it would have turned out the way it did.

The bright side is at least his mother cooks. And maybe she is not trying to be such a pain when she offers advice.

Things could be worse. We just as you supported the house (bills, food, etc.) totally alone not once but twice. The first time we had two children ages 1 1/2 and a newborn. The second time it was with our three children ages 3,2 and a newborn.

They did not help to clean the common areas nor did they cook. They were just there. They worked off and on trying to save money to move out. And occasionally (twice over 2 years) they mustered up 200 dollars to contribute. The money was not the issue for us because we all understood and accepted their ultimate goal of independence.

The problem for me was that they would go out to eat frequently and not tell us. And there I was slaving to over a hot stove cooking for everyone because I could not see not making dinner for them. They did not communicate to us that they would prefer to eat out every day so I would cook for everyone just in case. The few times I did not cook for them my husband was concerned and would try to say something ( which cause unnecessary friction) and I would just reply "they never eat here" and he'd get upset. They would not even eat the left over's.

The mother could not find work for a long period of time and so we offered her the opportunity to earn 250.00 per week to watch at that time our 2 children. She said No and that although she loves them she cannot be around them all day like that. She is not too old or in poor health she was only 47 at the time, to me she was still young and able. I began working full-time and instead took them to our neighbor who had an in-home daycare that we trusted.

They barely ever watched the kids for us. Yes, while they stayed with us. The would only watch them if we were in dire need. They watched them maybe at most 2 times the entire year they were with us for no more then 1-3 hours. With the exception of our anniversary weekend. They watched them from Friday till Sunday morning.

The second time. Neither of them worked for a while and soon the father gained employment somewhere. Again they never offered to babysit. Even when we expressed our inability to find a sitter because of conflicting schedules.

They are so inactive with the children it makes me bitter. Which I have to try and fight because it affects our marriage. They made me sick the way they did not try and help out around the house. I was fed up. But still I smiled and was as helpful as I could be to them out of respect to my husband. It was a nightmare. They were holy Christians ( I am a Christian as well but they are holier than thou) and they would comment on every aspect of our lives. They are judgmental and there presences made me very uneasy.

However, what kept me faking the funk was that I kept reminding myself how difficult and stressful this must be for him to see his parents in such distress. And I did not want to add to that. I love my husband so I tried to be as caring and supportive as I humanly could under such circumstances. I would encourage you to do the same.

There is no medal to receive or certificate but it is these sacrifices and commitments that make a marriage strong. Remember for better or for worse. See it through and make a plan together with a realistic timeline and stay committed to it.

Good Luck, and God bless

mrs j's picture
mrs j

hi any advice 4 me to my husband and i got married a year ago as a wedding gift his grandfather gave us ownership to his house legally well he also stayed together with us,that was the worst mistake we did,well as owners of the house we did some renovations after a while his grandfather changed to the worse even got more worse when i was pregnant,he would lie to my husband that i dont give him any food and when i gave him the food he would dish it out to the dogs i really want us to move out but my prroblem is we had spend so much money already and paying to morgages would be a financial strain even thou we are both working i had changed to babysitters since my baby was born beacuse he would treat them bad help i really dont know what to do..

mayamay's picture
mayamay

If he gave you the house, move out, and give it back. Then you have only one payment for housing.

Goodgirlnomore's picture
Goodgirlnomore
So...any help would be appreciated. I lived with in laws fofive years. We r finally moving out into our own rental. How the hell do I put up boundaries now??
sum's picture
sum
hi..ours s an arranged marriage and we both r living in our in laws house since 4 years right since marriage..I have had a real tough time with my in laws many times in these 4 years .But thought it would b the last time ,everytime and ill b happy from now onwards always..But nw a days Im nt able to tolerate myself.I want to live only with my husband nd kid(2.8 years old)..My husband loves me a lot wen it cms to anything but moving out is not an easy issue...He says Im the only son .I must look after my parents.Its my duty..They both r nt soo old or so dependent on us ,neither financially nor emotionally..How do I make this man understand..My in laws dont treat me as one "inside" the family..I really want to go out nd have my own family there..