meow's picture
meow

Husband's biological father wants back in his life..

I am looking for some advice on a subject that's been pretty tough lately on my husband and I.

My husband is 23 years old and his father left him when he was a baby (only a few months old). He did not want to be involved in my husband's life at all, which includes any support for his mother - not even a birthday or Christmas card for 23 years. When my husband was about 9, he told his mom he wanted to meet his father - so she got in touch with him and they started to form a relationship. His father then decided he wanted to be in his mother's life too, and they ended up getting back together for a while. Then one day they woke up & he was gone.

Currently my husband is debating on whether or not to allow his father back into his life. He made contact with him a few months ago because he wanted answers. His father told him that when he was a child he didn't want to be a part of his life because he was abusing drugs and alcohol and didn't want him to see him in that light (I personally don't see how that's better, or an excuse for leaving). He also said he had "been praying that God would bring them back together" and that my husband would want to form a relationship with him again. My response to that was - if he wanted to see him so bad, he should have, as the parent, made the first move. He apologized for all the bad things he had done in the past and promised him that he would be there for him and he wanted to see him, etc. This was about 2 months ago. Two nights ago he sent him a text message that said "Your daddy loves you." I find that to be disturbing and very manipulative. It's emotionally stressful for my husband and I don't think it's fair for him to come on so strong like that after all he's put him through.

I spoke to my mother in law about a month ago when all of this was happening. I told her I didn't have a good feeling about it, and she agreed. She told me he was abusive when they were together and he's been in and out of jail, and was accused of child abuse (which I confirmed with online records/mugshots). She also said he is a very manipulative person that plays whatever part you want him to be because he always has an underlying agenda - something he wants from you. Now I can't say that's true but he doesn't have a good track record and the way he's already talking to my husband definitely makes me consider it.

So, basically what I want advice on is how to approach the subject with my husband. I know it is HIS issue, and this has caused him a lot of problems with abandonment that we've dealt with and tried to overcome - & I think his main goal here is to tuly overcome these issues so he can move on with his life. He wants to be able to forgive him so he can stop feeling anger towards him. But as much as I want him to feel better, I do NOT want that man in our lives or especially my stepdaughters life. I am also worried he will cut ties with my husband again at some point, just causing more distress.

I really don't know what side to be on here, or how to talk to my husband about it without being biased or steering him in the wrong direction. If anyone has any ideas for me I would love to hear them.

Thanks



chjmk's picture
chjmk
Well your concerns are understandable. There's alot of fears and concerns that may or may not turn into realities. Your husband did initiate the contact. It is up to him to set the boundaries and also at what point her will be satisfied with the explanations for everything that has occurred. He will either decide to forgive or not, to continue the relationship or not and you can't control that. You are trying to be a good wife and have his back, so to speak. You aren't as vulnerable as he is, so if something specific, like that text sets off a "be careful" alarm, gently say so. I also think you can set boundaries for yourself and your kids, and say to hubby that this is his journey and he can make it with your support, but at this juncture it won't involve the rest of the family until you get to know this man better.