38janelle's picture
38janelle

Family- Mother In Law

My husband & I have been married 22 years.  4 children.  The kids participate in a youth type organization (4-H). I know that my husband and his siblings did these sort of activities when they were young.  My family is very supportive and helpful when it comes to the 4-H projects by attending the shows or judgings and asking the kids about the projects.  However, one day my MIL asked my husband while I was within earshot "Aren't you embarrassed" about the 4-H projects? Mostly she is embarrassed that we purchase the animals...as opposed to what I don't know.  I know his parents are older and times have changed.  But what it comes down to is this... We have been marrried for 20+ years. The three oldest have graduated in the top 10 in their class.  We own our own business and are financially very successful. The children are very successful with the 4-H projects.  So when she says this "Aren't you embarrassed?"  I take it that she thinks that somehow after 20 years of marriage I would like none other then to embarrass my husband and children.  My family would never dream of asking me while my husband was within earshot "Aren't you embarrassed about how his family does XYZ?"   My husband doesn't see it this way.  But this isn't the first time she has said inflamitory things.

I just wonder why some people are always more interested in driving a wedge then in sharing the joy.  The 4-H projects have been a leap pad for other activities which has propelled to wonderful college acceptences.  I cannot give high enough praise for our 4-H projects and to be embarrassed by them is beyond baffeling.



tamz's picture
tamz

By being a part of a group, kids learn to understand and cooperate with others. Maybe your MIL would have benefited from a program like that. Anyway, I'm surprised she is embarrassed by your dedication to 4-H. Maybe she thinks you take things to extreme? I would be curious to see what your husband thought she meant by tis comment if, as you said, he doesn't see what you see about her comments. You say she wants to drive a wedge rather than share the joy. Have you invited her to share in projects? What do you mean by you "purchase the animals?" Do you have a lot of animals? If I were you, after 20+ years of marriage, I would talk to my MIL and tell her how she hurt my feelings with her criticism.

38janelle's picture
38janelle

Yes, I have purchased season passes for both MIL & FIL and given them a list of events that the grandchildren will be involved in. The comments about being embarrased about purchased animals come from my FIL according to my husband. From what I gather all things are to be raised from the farm. I am surprised that the seed corn they are planting this year is purchased, GASP! That they don't retain it from last year's crop. That all the food they eat isn't raised on their own farm...oh, no, it was bought at a store! I guess what is at issue is that I have attempted to raise 4 wonderful children and to be very dedicated to my husband. And she suggests that a significant part of what I have done would be an embarrassement to my husband. We have been very successful at what we have done showing animals. We have large breeders prefering us to raise and show their animals because they know we do a good job.

gemma salinas-smith's picture
gemma salinas-smith

I just wanted to write about mother in law. I am married to my husband for almost 8 years. We have 2 kids. The first 2 years of our marriage is very hard, my husband dealing with his baggage from his first marriage and it got worsed when his parents moves here from the preirie. My mother in law is very sweet and very nice if you are a total stranger but if you are married to his son, she can make your life a hell in her very nice and sweet ways. First she knows that her son will do everything for her and forget about the wifey ( which is me ) My husband will put me the last of his priority. And I am hurt a hundred times already sometimes I feel numb. I already talk to him about it and we seek counselling 3x already but he always put her first. This is a big strain in our marriage. Last year my father in law passed away unexpectedly and it makes my situation even worsed because she is more depending more with my husband. He talked to her for hours everyday, he comes over for tea for almost all day and he does not care about me or the kids or sometimes he brings the kids with him and she smokes about 5 feet away from where my 9 mos old daughter. I tried to be nice to her even bringing the kids to her house and visit her but come to the point that our lives revolves around her that we need to be in her house 4-5 times a week I think this is too much. Now I stopped bringing my daughter to her house and my husband treating so cold. It is killing me inside and I am hurting so bad. To my husband he sees me controlling and self centered. He does not care how I feel. And I voiced my concern about her smoking around my kids. If she is not willing to give up smoking or atleast not smoked around my kids I am willing to let her have my kids anytime she wants. There is a lot of times that my husband choose her mother over in a lot of family affairs, like weekends he will rather drive his mom to a flea market rather than helping me with the kids and some things to be done in the house or like last year I am 8 mos pregnant my mother in law book a flight t Winnipeg bringing my husband and son living me by myself at home for the whole ten days.
And he will call me whenever he wants. This is the first time my son was away from me and I am missing him so much but my husband does not care how I feel. He came back changed started drinking beer and very cold to me. My mother in law supplies him the beer, she knows that it bothers me , then my husband became sick with a very bad tonsilitis, who takes care of him and takes him to the hospital? Me.I talked to him that we need to see a marriage counsillor and he is willing to see one, we went to 2 meetings and he is willing to works things out. Then we became busy with the birth of our second baby. I am not complaining that my husband is bad. He is a good father to our 2 kids. But my mother in law influence to him that making him a bad husband and affecting our relationshship. If someone is reading this and they wonder why I am still here and why I don't divorce him, I think about that all the time, Why I am still staying with this man, totally he doesn't care about her or what's wrong with me . I asked that myself, maybe if i get along with her or do not say mean things to his mother or do not complain if he spending time with her or etc. I tried everything and nothing will change the situation. Maybe one day will happen or if some miracle will happen to save this marriage i hope it will come soon before its too late.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

It will be very helpful for you to talk to a professional about your situation. I am twice divorced, lots of issues each time, but the MIL issues just made things so much worse. The worst being the MIL telling the ex he was right in EVERY situation and doing whatever she could to undermine the marriage. One even admitted to me years after the divorce and she saw how it had negatively affected the children, that she was so sorry she had interfered. Moving a few hundred miles away helped 2nd time for a while but she still interfered. This is such a difficult situation and I wish you the best!!

Carabraza's picture
Carabraza

My mother in law helped my husband move into our new home while I had to be out of town. Knowing her habit of throwing away things, I told her not to throw away ANYTHING. I came back to the new house and noticed one of the bedsheets was missing. It was old and we had not used it for a while, but I had still kept it in case I ever need it. My husband was also puzzled about where it could go. We needed it because his sister and boyfriend were going to stay at our home and it was the only bedsheets that fit their bed. After we spend half a day looking for it, hubbu decided to ask his mom if she had taken it. She said she had because she thought we did not need it. I was annoyed because we ended up going to the store to buy one at the eleventh hour. The only one they had that we liked was wrinkled. So I ended up spending 2 hours ironing it. One day I told my mother in law how her taking the bedsheets without telling us affected us, she got upset. I told her that she could just have told me that she was taking it. She said she did not feel the need to tell us because we are one family and she does not believe in 'mine' and 'yours'. She got so mad she told me she will never come to our home and hung up. I want to know if I was at fault in any way and how reasonable or unreasonable her behavior was.