leah123's picture
leah123

family in crisis...Daughter trying to destroy my 23 year marriage

Please I need help. I have tried everything. I have gone to therapists. I have 3 degree's myself. The thing is I love this child..well I will call her a child she is 22. I have been with my husband since I have been 18. I will admit my daughter has been overinduldged and completely spoiled. I have been the only one to parent her. Her Dad did not want to ever say a harsh word to her. Now that I have seen the out come of this I started to be a bit tougher on her lately. She had been dropping classes (umm 17 credit hours to be exact) not working and calling me every name you could imagine. We even were paying for her gas (not to mention the car she drove, insurance and blah blah... I saw that this was destroying any chance of a life for her to be happy. As soon as I started to pull back and try to make her grow up and take on some responsibility she turned on me. She went from my loving daughter to my enenmy. She started to have lunches and coffee with Daddy behind my back and lying to him about me, she developed a so called eating disorder, she needed therapy (lying to the therapist about me and planned the whole thing out. She wanted to get rid of her own mom. This has broke my heart. I love my child. The night that she told me to F off and I aske her to leave my home she refused and said her Daddy would never allow it, I would go first. Well, she physically attacked me. This is not how I raised her. This is a kid that went to church, private coaches, cheerleading vacationed in Cabo San Lucas. I don't understand why all of a sudden we turned into a Jerry Springer show. The shocker is my husband now condones this behavior by still meeting up with her and I know gives her money. He gave her his truck, when I took hers...I wanted to teach her a lesson. I wanted her to see how hard it is out there when you dump on your Mom, the one who has given you everything. How is she to learn anything when he is still giving her everything behind my back and why? He never one time in our lives said to her, "stop talking to your mom like that". What Dad or husband for that matter acts like that? I cry every day. I wonder where my life went? Will this ever be fixed or am I doomed to let this go. She sits on his lap at 22 and says my Daddy while I sit on the other side of the table. Please I am at a loss. If I ever say anything she tells me I am jealous of them. I could never be jealous of my own daughter I love her. I just think if she is every to have a normal relationshiop with a man she needs to let go of her Daddy. The longest she had dated a guy has been about 2 months. She is just stunning so I think that's not normal. How do I help my family. I am so lost.



kimmie_34's picture
kimmie_34
first off what your husband is doing to you is wrong, going against you when he should stand beside you. If he thinks she will always stand by him he is wrong because once he says or does something to him she will turn on him again. what your doing is right dont feel bad for what your doing. right now she may hate you and say mean things but later she will grow up and feel bad, i know some things she can never take back, but she will learn from it and so will you.. your husband you need to sit down with and have a long talk with him because your marriage will be ruined if you guys dont agree.
leah123's picture
leah123
Thanks so much. I just don't know if he gets it or not. He has NEVER been able to scold her ever when she was little. This has been so difficult, not to mention so hurtful. I don't think I have ever cried this much in my life (daily) I will keep holding on. I know in my heart this is what she needs to grow up and be an adult. I just wish he would stand with me. For pete's sake she hit me. Her own Mother who has done everything for her(that's the problem. EVERYTHING. Too much. Thanks again for caring and writing back. It has been hard. I have been praying and praying. Take care:)
AllieB's picture
AllieB
I am in the same situation except I am the one helping my son behind my husbands back and our marriage is in Jeopardy. He said I need to stick by him but it makes me feel like we are both against him and he has nobody. I hate to see my son go without or sad and I give in to his every need. My husband is all about tough love, I am afraid to lose him. I know what I am doing is wrong and so does your husband but when these kids know that they have us its hard to turn against them. Here is a quote I try and remind myself ~A HAPPY CHILDHOOD HAS SPOILED MANY A PROMISING LIFE
mayamay's picture
mayamay
from empoweringparents.com "When you shield your child from discomfort, what he learns is that he should never have to feel anything unpleasant in life. He develops a false sense of entitlement. He learns that he doesn’t really have to be prepared in school, because his parents will complain to the teacher, who will stop calling on him or expecting his homework to be in on time. He learns that his parents will raise the tolerance for deviance. If his parents are successful, the teacher will tolerate less compliance from him because of his parents’ intervention. He learns to confront a problem with power rather than dealing with it through responsibility and acceptance."