gammy's picture
gammy

daughter in twenties

I'm new here. I came across this site when looking for help in trying to understand daughter.  She's 26, has a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son.  My daughter and her children have lived with my husband and I since her oldest was 6 months old. She's never been married and the father of the children is in and out of jail and on drugs.   She finally got her head on straight, found a job and was more like her old self for about a year.  She had a bounce in her step and a smile on her face.  For the past few weeks, she looks so unhappy.  I just found out the father of the children is out of jail and he's calling her again.  It looks like she doesn't have the strength to tell him to get lost!  I have run out of words and patience.  This has been going on for years and My husband and I are at the end of our rope.  I have raised her two children and it breaks my heart to see where she might be headed again. Any advice??????



gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I think you should do something special with her to try to open up communication.  She is an adult, so you have to be respectful of her, not bossy and controlling.  That makes it real hard to help her process her feelings and make good decisions.  I would listen more than I talk.  Only ask questions, and not questions like "Don't you think its time you dumped this jerk and lived a real life?"

gammy's picture
gammy

She does need to dump the jerk and get live a real life!  She has never been one to open up and talk,  she keeps everything inside.   After the first few years of telling her what a jerk he was, I realized we did push her to him.  We have kept ours mouths shut because of the children.  The father (if you can call him that) has made no attempt to help support the children in any way.  His only contribution to this whole mess is the threat to "take the kids where I'll never find them" or kill himself in front of the kids so that will be the last thing they'll remember of their father.   Oh, how about this one, "call the cops because I'm coming to shoot your daughters one by one and then I'm coming thru your front door and you'll be next".  I could go on and on with everything my husband and I have been through with this guy.  Court is a joke. He hasn't "done" anything so they can't do anything.  The only thing we could do in press charges against him for the 30 calls a day thing.  The courts let him out early because the jail was full. We no longer have a house phone.  Can you believe he even called us all hours of the night while in jail?  He was in jail for the phone calls! When I complained to the police department, they said he still had rights. What a big joke! 

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

Those threats he has made are called ASSAULT and he can be charged.  And, you (that's you, not her) can get a protective order to keep him from calling YOUR HOUSE and from being anywhere near you.  I'm not sure if you have to have legal custody to get a protective order to keep him away from the children at school or wherever, and sometimes protective orders don't do any good, but I'd sure look into it.   And, if the police aren't doing anything, I'd make an appointment with the police comissioner or the DA and find out if they need to work on their department policies.  They'll feel just awful if he acts on those threats, you know.  But that doesn't help the victims much.

gammy's picture
gammy

Hi Gail,

We were notified by the DA himself of the release of this person.  Of course he said the whole I'm sorry story until he was blue in the face but while in jail this person gave up names of some of his "friends".  We have had several protective orders and I have every word he's ever said to me on tape.  Trust me, I have done everything within my power to keep him away from us.  He hasn't really done anything, so they (police) can't do much until he does.  Oh, the sheriffs department told me that jail isn't a punishment for this person.  He looks at it as 3 meals and a roof over his head.  I can get as mad as I want at this person and blame him for everything.  But, until my daughter gets her head out of the sand, nothing is going to change.  I try to take it one day at a time, some days are harder that others.  If it were not for those beautiful babies I read to at night and care for during the day, she (daughter) would not be here!  I do not have custody of the children (yet).  Right or wrong, I do it for my grandchildren.  Thanks for listening and I do appreciate the input.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I was getting nowhere on a criminal matter, and I called the state attorney general.  The guy was arrested within a day.  Of course, the circumstances were very different but it might be worth a try. 

The hard thing is, you and the grandbabies have to pay for your daughter's bad decisions. 

I know, nobody said life was fair.  what is the line from princess bride?  Life is pain, anyone who says different is selling something.