Daughter married, mother worried about manipulative in laws
I know this is long, but please read it through and reply with your opinion and advice. I really need someone to listen and help. Not sure where to start.......I need some advise on how to handle this situation with my daughter. I"ll try to condense this as it would be a long story to relay all the history leading up to my daughters marriage last week. But, please bear with me and read and reply, I need all the help I can get right now.
My daughter is 22 yrs. old and got married last week. The family she married into seemed to be very friendly, when their son was wanting to date my daughter, his mom and dad became fast friends with my husband and I and were at our home alot, etc. We had a good opinion of them, but were a little concerned that their son is "self employed" and still lives at home, never been on his own. He is only 21 yrs. old. Our daugher has a toddler from a previous relationship, we were hoping for a more mature, financially stable person for her to get serious with. My daughter inherited some money, and bought a home when she had her daughter, and a new car. So all that is paid for and no monthly notes on that. She is going to college, and doesn't "need" financial support from anyone, but I also don't want someone to "need" financial support from her.........His family knows she has this money, not so much anymore with the purchase of the house and car, though. But ain't it easier to love someone with everything PAID FOR - no house note, car note at all? This guy is self employed by riding/training horses. No insurance, steady income, etc. My daughter lost her insurance under my husbands coverage the day she got married. Her mother told me "insurance wasn't important, hospital and doctor bills don't go on your credit if you don't pay them" .........!! NOT our way of doing things or thinking. That is pretty much a good idea of how they live, their phone may get cut off because they didn't pay the bill, but they go out and eat several times a week. Go figure. Before they married, my daughter helped him get a new truck. His life has improved, he got to move out of his parents house, get new truck even before that, and all he had to do was hang his clothes in the closet. His parents are ecstatic that he has someone that already has what other people have to work years for, yet he is bringing nothing to the table but himself..........Everything was already there for him to use, from dishes to furniture to tv's and stereo's. All he brought to the relationship was clothes and a truck note. Now, he wants to adopt her daughter and is discouraging my daughter from getting along with the baby's dad, in the hopes he will quit seeing my granddaughter so adoption can be possible after 2 yrs. As soon as they were sure that this relationship between them was serious, we never heard from them again. Like they need our approval anymore or something. Then, they just focused on keeping my daugher at their home as often as possibly and away from us. Its been very strange.................... I know this just seems like "its her choice, you can't make her decisions for her, only offer advise, she is grown, it doesn't affect you". I did that, I was supportive her WHATEVER she decided, I bit my tongue, my husband put a smile on and we hoped only for her happiness since she didn't head our advise. But it does affect us, by affecting our relationship with our daughtger and granddaughter. Please read on.
They were thinking of a summer wedding, but his parents said they were going to "kick him out of the house and he couldn't keep his horses at their home" if they didn't get married NOW - because he spent the night at my daughters home one night when the baby was sick and my daughter was getting no sleep. So, for my daughter to have the wedding she wanted, I had to plan and pay for a wedding within 4 weeks. Which was the "time limit" his parents gave them to marry before they kicked him out. As he had no place to go, and no money to pay rent, they pushed the wedding forward and got married last week. Like I said, my husband i paid for the wedding, and the reception, and paid for a condo rental for their honeymoon. At first, my daughter and i were planning things (I was very angry at the way this happened, my daughter asked me to please not cause any problems as she wanted everyone to get along). I did, however, call his mother about a week before the wedding. I was so upset that they had put this ultimatum on her/them and took the choice of if and when out of their hands, about how they were controling the sitution. I asked her politely "why" had they done this, my daughter was losing her healthy and dental insurance when she married, she was hoping to finish school before she married. I told her that we were concerned that their son wasn't financially ready to be pushed into a marriage by them, that this choice was not theirs to make and I did not understand why they had done it. She told me that she and her husband had told their son once before that he could not stay overnight at my daughters home or he would have to get married or simply be on the street. That my daughter had put this marriage off long enough, and they were not going to "stand by" and let them do as they pleased with him living in their home. And then asked me "what do you want from this phone call"?. I told her I supposed what I wanted was that since they had successfully arranged the marriage to their liking, it would be nice if they would let them make thier OWN decisions from now on without putting ultimatums over thier heads. With this said, she laughed and hung up.
The weeks before the wedding (their were only 4 weeks to plan it) she "needed" my daughter over to her house every day after work or school, my daughter seemed zombie like and just did as she was told and she and I were needing to go over the things about the wedding and reception that we had talked about and put on paper the first week of planning, finalize things and go over details of what she wanted. My daughter only came over to pick up my granddaughter after work and school, never had time to sit down with me. So I went with what we had already talked about and tried to refine things myself. She had the key to the church because she had decided to do a rehearsal dinner and needed to set up tables, so she was going to be in there before I needed to be in there to decorate for the wedding. She made chili and cheese soup for the rehearsal dinner and brought it to the church. She said they weren't going to "go broke for a wedding and that was all they were willing to do. They could have went to the justice of the peace, she said, so they werent putting any money into it.
The night of wedding rehearsal, this same women that wanted no part of paying for this wedding, passed out typed sheets of itenerary for the wedding that she had made for the wedding!! I said "What is this?!" as my husband and I were paying and doing this wedding for our daughter.......My daughter looked at me like "Don't you dare" and I just stood there and listened to his mother tell me it was "everyone's directions as to how the wedding would go". My husband and I were told where and when to sit, and that was the extent of our involvement in our daughters wedding. Did I mention that WE paid for EVERYTHING???? Then the clincher, she wouldn't ALLOW me to have key to the church because it was given to her first and she was responsible, she said. If I needed to get in, then I would have to call her first. And this made me late for my daughters wedding, I couldn't get into the chuch or reception for some last minute food preparation that morning, but she did give the women delivering the wedding cake a key. Thats how I got in, when came to set up the cake! Otherwise I wouldnt have gotten to go in and do what I needed to do. And since I had 30 minutes to get ready for the wedding, not even time to shower after all this, she of course got to help my daughter get ready and put her veil on for her, which is what I always thought I would do.
Same thing with the reception. NOne of my and my daughters ideas on when to do what were respected. She appointed somone else as mc over the activities, instead of my uncle doing it that I had anticipated. It was either just hope for it to end soon and say nothing, or speak my mind and make a scene and probably ruin my daughters reception - that we paid for and her mother in law and family ran. I'm surprised she didn't go stay in the condo we paid for that night for the honeymoon, also. She almost made me have a nervous breakdown throught it all, I have cried and been so unbelievably hurt by it all. Its like my daughter is hers now and not mine at all anymore. And the weird thing is my daughter seems to only want to please her, she takes all this womans ideas and molds herself to them, she isn't being herself, and I'm so worried how her life is going to with this woman over her.
My daughter is distant, rarely visits to just talk, she used to eat supper with us alot, we helped her decorate, paint, landscape and redo her home for her and the baby, we have had a good relationship and were so close. My mother said its like my daughter is in some new cult, she noticed how odd everything is, too. My friends and family were amazed at the gall of her taking over the wedding and reception, and were mystifiedas to why my daughter let her do this, and yes, they feel my family was disrespected through it all.
I'm at a loss what to do. Just a week into the wedding, they are trying to get my daughter to pay cash for a new vehicle for herself and they want her to "sell" her car to their oldest daughter who has no vehicle. They want my daughter to keep the insurance in her name, but they'll pay it, they said. They want to give her $100 a month until its paid for. This is a 2006 car that she paid $23,000 for!!!! I feel they are using her, manipulating her. His mother stated at the reception "You guys need to go first thing when you get back from your honeymoon and get your checking account together". Am I being paranoid, too sensitive, ???? What do I do? If I say anything, my daughter snaps at me, raises her voice and tells me to mind my own business. Please help!!!! I don't want my daughter to isolate herself with only them and I miss her, I miss her being my daughter and talking and it being o.k. for me to be her mother. It feels like someone else has that slot in her life now, and I don't know what I'm suppose to be or who I'm suppose to be now.