Snow_Eagle's picture
Snow_Eagle

Can't get mom off my back

For years I have been telling my mom to concentrate on her own life and not make me the centre of her life. But that never worked.

I recently moved in with my boyfriend and we live very happily together. But my mom is getting very depressed about me not living with her. Me and my boyfriend living with her is not really an option because she and him don't get along at all. She tends to be too dominant and keep on giving off the "you live under my roof, so follow all my rules" attitude.

I have tried many times to have her focus on her own life instead of mine. I have a very happy life, other than the fact that she is very depressed and keeps on blaming me for not making her happy by not living with her and making her the centre of my life. In contrast, she is not happy with her life at all.

Bottom line, are there ways to help her focus on her own life and be happy about it instead of focusing on mine?



almondeyes's picture
almondeyes
It is hard for our ageing parents to accept that we have our own lives. Specially when they are at the stage when kids are all grown up. Sounds like your mom is retired and does not know what to do with herself. She is feeling lonely. You would have to be honest but kind to her. Let her know that she's important but that you need to live your life. Set a weekly or bi-monthly dates with her. She might be feeling left out. Maybe get her in contact with her girlfriends and suggest that she goes out with them. Find out what interests her and maybe find a group for her to join.
coleenrodriguez's picture
coleenrodriguez
I agree with almondeyes. Mothers can be clingy especially if you are an only daughter. Talk to he kindly and tell her that you have your own life and you need to learn your own. It can be difficult on your part if your mother is not yet willing to let go. But there is a time to come that she will be able to accept that you already are grown up.
Snow_Eagle's picture
Snow_Eagle
Thank you for your advice and comments. Yes, my mom is very lonely. She does have a job but she doesn't like it. Her relationship with her boyfriend is also very unstable and he is uncommitted. However, she is unwilling to let go of that relationship although she's not happy with it, because she believes that at her age (mid 40s) she is unlikely to find anyone better, and that at her age it's unsuitable for her to date and start new relationships. I do visit her every Friday and call her everyday. But that's still not enough for her. She is very intrusive and wants to be in every aspect of my life. She wants me to be an entrepreneur so I can be part of the "family business" (which, dear God, I totally resent). She wants me to live in places where she bought so I can contribute to those places financially and I guess, be "under her wing". And of course she wants me to marry a guy that she approves of, and one who will listen and obey her.
Snow_Eagle's picture
Snow_Eagle
She is not very social and does not have many friends. Even for her current friends, she doesn't really like hanging out with them. A few days ago she told me she may become seriously depressed if I don't come and live with her again. Honestly, I don't know what else I can do to make her happy without giving up my own life, my own autonomy, and my own decisions and choices.
almondeyes's picture
almondeyes
It seems like she is trying to relive her youth through you. She is still young and can find a partner. She should concentrate on enjoying the company of men friends without feeling that she has to be romantically involved. Love will find her when the time is right. I suggest you get her the series of books by Rhonda Byrne ( the secret, the power and the magic). The Power of Now by Elckhardt Tolle. These books are powerful. You can never make her happy until she learns to be happy by herself. Nothing you do will ever be enough. You will be doing her a favor by teaching her how to enjoy her own company. She has to do things that makes her feel good about herself without depending on anybody.
almondeyes's picture
almondeyes
Her happiness does not depend on you or others. You are a good daughter and you cannot sacrifice your life for her. It is going to be tough but in the end she will thank you for it. I highly recommend that you read those books for yourself. For now you need to be the parent and you need to guide your mom on having a fulfilling life. Good luck!
Snow_Eagle's picture
Snow_Eagle
Thank you for your comments. I feel less guilty after reading this. I know getting my mom to focus on her life is a gradual process but I am encouraging her to do so in the ways I have tried and in new ways I'm learning from your comments. I believe this is all for the best and she will be alright eventually.