Bought my Father's home, added on for him to live with us, many regrets
Hello all, I'm new here, and have turned to this as I'm feeling backed into a corner. We (husband and teen daugher) purchased my childhood home from my father. This is the third house I've owned, the first for my husband. We added on an in law for my Dad, and have made many improvements. The terms of our agreement with my father have not been honored by him.
He was to pay two utilities, split the heating bill as his 'rent' and a small amount of money (100.00) each month towards food, as I do all the shopping. He only pays the electric bill for the property. He has a retirement income, plus social security and a small part time job. He has a girlfriend who is younger than him, who he constantly gives groceries to from my pantry. He brings food from our home to his job to share with 'the guys' as well. I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing this, even taking bags of food away from his girlfriend when I once caught them 'shopping' in my pantry.
Now I'm also dealing with his siblings (my Aunt and Uncle) arguing with us whenever we try to make an improvement as it's 'the family home'. We are arguing over wall color and porch stains! It's gotten to the point that I have to actually leave my home when my father has his friend or his siblings over as I feel very unhappy when they are there.
Please let me also add that I work sometimes 7 days a week, have very little time off, and when I do, (holidays, week in the summer) it never fails that one of his siblings come to visit, and won't take No for an answer. I realize I'm coming off as a bit of a whiner right now, as I'm exhausted with all this drama. I see only two options, sell the property (which would be financially devestating for us right now) or kick my father out.
My husband is ignoring the situation, as he doesn't hear or witness most of the annoyances. When I mention how huge our food bill is, as I have to keep replacing the food that seems to disappear, he just shrugs. My food bill has doubled by adding one person! I have tried hiding food, locking up food, bought another full sized frig and told him it was for his food, yet he still comes into our kitchen as he has 'run out' of things.
I on a weekly basis have to tell my father, no I will not pay for your meds, your car insurance or give you money to buy a new car. He is constantly handing me his Visa bill and other personal expenses acting as if I am to pay for it.
An example of a daily annoyance is every morning when my husband leaves for work, my father comes in (he still has access to our home so he can do laundry) sits in my husbands chair and changes the news channel I enjoy watching. When I point out that I was watching it, he tells me he doesn't like that channel. Mind you, his tv is on in his apartment.
The one time my husband did say to him, we aren't going to do something the way my father always did. My dad continued to do it, even though he was asked not too. When I said 'dh' doesn't want this done anymore, Dad said well he's stupid, and I'm still doing it that way.
I feel as we are in this passive agressive pattern where I'm still 12 but with all the financial obligations, and he's the parent putting me in my place.
I truly thought in january that the heart to heart I'd had with him and his brother had made things change for the better.We all admitted that we were going through changes, and learning new boundaries. ......but I've just been informed that his brother is staying with us for Thanksgiving and my one week off in August. I was told this by my father. When I said that this was good for us, I was told that I should call the Uncle and tell him. When I remind my father that I wasn't asked by the Uncle, and that I will not be calling him when I'm not directly aware he is inviting himself, my father gets very angry with me.
You are all thinking, what's the big deal? My uncle is a surgeon, very opinionated, and he would be staying in our house, not my father's addition. The last time he was here, he made unreasonable demands, from expecting me to close my business because he was visiting, to stop construction on our home because it was annoying him, and serve dinner at 10 at night, as it suited his habits better.
I feel very trapped and depressed. I feel underappreciated, overworked and a bit used.
In a last resort, I went to my sister and brother and law. They actually told me to suck it up, that the Uncle expects to be able to come and go as he did when it was his Brother's house. When I suggested that they let him stay with them, they were very quick to say no.
There is so much in dynamics that I'm not even mentioning here. I guess I just needed to vent, and hopefully get some good advice that I can use. I've already taken two courses on how to deal with challenging people and how to say no. Some of what I have learned there has helped, but I find myself crying in the shower almost every day.
Thanks for listening, and your input. Please don't be too harsh. CiCi