Ariel's picture
Ariel

Advise regarding my inlaws

Hi.
I hope someone can give me the advise i am looking for. I am an indian lady (22yrs) married for only a year, I live with my inlaws (mother & father inlaw).
Before i was married my relationship between my mother inlaw and sister inlaw was perfect (but like they say u only a person once you get married). My sister in law (husbands sister) is married for 8 year with 2 kids... she fell pregnant immediately after she got married and now her husband and her find that they need to spend some time alone thus leaving their kids with their grandparents (my mother & father inlaw) every weekend even when their grandparents are not home they will still drop off their kids for my husband i to look after while they go out. I remember a week after i got back from my honeymoon my brother inlaw (sister inlaws hubby) emails me to see if my hubby and i will babysit their kids because they going for a comedy show. The past year has been hell for me as i have these kids screaming, crying and sticking to me as if i am their mother. I just wish my husband and I could enjoy our life and weekends on our own, being together going out inststaed of having to be parents to his sisters children. I want to enjoy my life being a newly wed and not a baby sitter! My husband loves these kids and thus i cannot talk to him about how i feel.
On the other My mother inlaw appears to afraid to talk to her daughter as she always says she "wouldnt want to cause problems between her and her daughter and her daughter will stop speaking to her". which is kind of true, her daughter stops speaking to me so so often for every petty thing and i know if i had to say something it will be biggest problem ever as my mother inlaw will most likely side with her daughter. It gets to me that neither my MIL or sister inlaw will ever thank my husband or I for looking after her children and helping them out. Instead the 2 of them will speak bad of me, my husband always tells me to ignore when they talk alone because my sister inlaw is VERY VERY caniving and will make sure her mother doesnt accept me as her daughter. PLS HELP ME



acitez's picture
acitez

If I had no children and I were in your situation, I would evaluate whether I wanted to remain married. In my tradition, the husband promises to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the wife similarly leaves her mother and father and cleaves to her husband. If you are not each other's first concern, then it may be a good idea to let one another go.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Before you do something drastic that cld end your marriage, I wld first try a different approach. Tell your husband that you want to go out for the sake of your relationship and your sanity. Choose a night that you designate as yours and your husband's. Inform your SIL and BIL the next time they assume you'll be watching their children that you have plans. If they get upset, tell them that you need to get out for yourselves too. You may not have children now, but someday you probably will. This is your time as a young married couple to enjoy yourselves. Tell them you'll be happy to watch their kids when you can, but when you're not available, they need to understand and find someone else to babysit their kids.
If your husband is opposed to this idea, then he has no consideration for your feelings. You need to come first, and his family second. Talk to your husband, and hopefully he will understand. If he doesn't, then you're going to be very unhappy in this relationship. I wish you luck.

Only2boys's picture
Only2boys

I'm not sure why you are living with your inlaws, but if you don't have to then move out. Also, make plans and make it clear if they ask you to babysit that you will at times if you don't have plans. Those kids, no matter how much your husband loves them, are still not your responsibility. Do there parents ever take them and do things with them?

Also a relationship is all about taking and giving and communicating. You need to talk to your husband. Maybe he isn't even clear on how you feel and how this bothers you. Don't just assume that he knows. Work out a compromise you both can live with. It sounds like you guys need to get out and have some time to yourselves... even if it is just to take a nice walk or make a picnic and go somewhere to eat it. I think some of the best communication my husband and I have comes when we take walks together. Not telling your husband what is bothering you is going to bottle up in you and cause more problems.

Good luck to you.
Only

Only2boys's picture
Only2boys

Ariel,

How are you making out?

Only