MissB's picture
MissB

Adult Son Still Sleeps with Mom..Why?!

I was wondering what everyone's thought is on a mom sleeping in the same bed with her 33 YEAR OLD SON when there is a second bedroom she could use...
I can understand falling asleep while watching tv a couple times, but, for the past week since she has moved from her daugther's house to his, when I, his girlfriend of 4 years, hasn't been there, she has slept in his bed and commented on how he has jumped in his sleep at night.
Her husband cheated on her when her 2 sons and daughter were teenagers and, since they've grown and have their own families, she moves from house to house taking care of their children. NOTE: They are from the Carribean and I can see where there is a cultural difference with regard to family closeness, but this difference bothers me..maybe that's the territorial American/woman thinking bc it is, in fact, just his mom and not another woman, but I wouldn't be laying in bed at 30 with my dad! The family is very close, i appreciate that since my family isn't as close. I think his mom is a good woman and loves her children.
He is very independant, educated, self sufficient, financially stable, and a good man/catch who takes care of people he cares about and I appreciate all of that. He loves is momma and they all take care of her, but this is a bit much. I think it's bc she made her children her life and has never gotten into another relationship since her husband.
When he asked my daughter and me to sleep over bc of a snow storm to make sure we were safe, his idea was to have my daughter (11 yrs) and I sleep in the 2nd room and him and his mother sleep in his bed. Ummmm...no..how about WE sleep TOGETHER downstairs on the futon and give my daughter and his mom the beds. We did that, of course, but what was he thinking?
Is this a foreboding of what's to come? While I'm in the house, I'm sleeping with my man. I want to ask his mom about it, but don't want to sound negative or make her feel ashamed (given his personality, he won't feel ashamed), but I would LOVE to know how to bring up the question of why does she still sleep with him or why does he let her..is to be some type of replacement to a man in her life..I mean, do they embrace at night like I like to do with him? ya know spoon, interwine legs and arms...ANY THOUGHTS on how to approach subject without sounding condecending??? I don't think anything I say will change anything as close as they are, but would like to put it out there and get it off my chest. And if that's the case, should I say anything at all? Thank you!!



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Saw your update on the other thread. I would have major concerns about this man sleeping in the same bed with his mother. There are major boundary issues here. Rethink your relationship.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Saw your update on the other thread. I would have major concerns about this man sleeping in the same bed with his mother. There are major boundary issues here. Rethink your relationship.

Sister83's picture
Sister83

Is this something that happens all the time, or just the one time she commented on him jumping in his sleep? If it only happened once, maybe there is a reason. About the snow storm incident- is the mother very religious and/or old-fashioned? If so, maybe the sleeping arrangements were suggested so as not to offend her (some are uncomfortable with unmarried couples sleeping together). I would first find out if this has been a repeat thing or not.

If it is a repeat thing, I would approach it by acting curious about his culture. Ask questions and find out if this is a cultural thing. You can do this in a nice way. If it is a cultural thing, explain that adult parents and adult children don't sleep in the same bed in the states, and, while you respect his culture, it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him if he would consider changing this. This bothers you. You have to be able to honestly talk to him about it, even if it is awkward.

If he won't change the sleeping arrangements, or if it is not a cultural thing, I guess you just have to decide if you are willing to overlook it. If it's not cultural though, it does seem likely that there are some serious issues here. Good luck to you.

MissB's picture
MissB

Sister83-He's Carribean. It's more about their cultural/closeness of the family than religious. She's slept with him every night that I have not been there. He says it's bc it's cold in the 2nd room, but my daughter sleeps there when we stay. The last night I stayed, I asked why doesn't he just kick the heat up. He didn't reply. Maybe bc, after that, I said "if it's so cold in there, why don't you ask her to come in here with us?" --I couldn't help myself! How can that sound ridiculous and not the other?
Seems he is working on making the 2nd room more comfortable. I think it does come down to whether i accept it or not. Maybe it's just a transition stage since she JUST moved in.
This whole living situation is different and is gonna take some getting used to.

MissB's picture
MissB

Thanks for the input, 2xstepmom. I think I have to rethink my relationship about a few things..this was just something recent that baffled me. I guess it's the American/Territorial woman in me who can't really be all that territorial if, after 4 years, still live separately from her boyfriend. I don't see this changing unless I bring it up to his mom and I don't want to make her feel ashamed or want him getting upset from me making his mom upset. I guess the feeling I'm getting is not being #1 and don't like seeing his mom's things where I normally put mine...or even seeing his mom every time I come over or have to include her in everything so that she doesn't feel left out. I even had to leave my cat there for the week bc he says she keeps his mom company...ugh..This is gonna take some getting used to. I know it's his mom, but geez. I don't see my mom HALF as much as I see his. Maybe therein lies the problem. Blood is thicker than water.

missmel7's picture
missmel7
OMG I came across this and this is exactly what I'm going through.