mommymn's picture
mommymn

adult sisters & mom

Hi.  I am new to the boards.  I have two younger sisters both married and living on their own. Our father passed away 4 years ago and left our mom with Nothing...No House, nothing.  So, my mom moved in with my middle sister until she could think of what she could do.  My sister has a baby and is due soon, so she told my mom she needed to find a place of her own.  My mom helps her so much with the baby, and always works Full Time around my sister's schedule so she can help her with her kids. 
So, My mom found a place to rent but she needs help from us (three daughters) to help her pay the rent and expenses.  I hate wasting money in rent, and know she could buy a house and be much better off and relaxed if she wasn't helping my sister so much.  My sisters are now not talking to me because they think I am rude for asking them to listen to my ideas I don't think anyone is benefiting from this and my mom does not have a life because she is always babysitting and helping my sister.  I would love to have a good relationship with my sisters,but I don't even know where to start if they don't want to listen. 



concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

You should talk to your mom about how you feel, but ultimately it's up to her to decide what she does w/ her life. She's a grown woman. I happen to agree w/ you about renting. I wld much rather buy a home then have to pay rent each month. In your family's situation, it wld be ideal to invest in a 2 family home. In the event that one of you moves out, you could always rent one of the apts to someone else. This wld help pay the morgage, and wld also make life a little easier for your mom. However, you all have to be willing to do this, unless of course, you and your mom can swing it yourselves. Your sisters have their own lives w/ their husbands and children. It's just unfortunate that this issue is dividing you. Have you tried talking to your sisters about it? Really, it's up to your mom to decide what she wants to do for herself. I think your thought is a good one. Although you're looking out for your mother's best interests, you're all grown women, and you have to do what's best for yourselves. I think your middle sister has become very reliant on your mom to help w/ the kids, and in a way, she probably doesn't want to lose that. It wld be great to please everyone, but that's not always the easiest thing to do. Right now, I wld concentrate on trying to mend your relationship w/ your sisters. All the rest will fall into place. Good luck w/ everything!

mommymn's picture
mommymn

Okay, I have talked with my mother. She understands how we feel, but my two sisters are very mad at me because we decided to help my mom in other ways instead of sending her money each month. One of my sisters is having her baby soon and she told my mom that I am not welcome to go see her baby in the hospital. I am extremely hurt by her childish behavior and my other sister is not talking to me either.
I don't know what to do about this. My kids want to see their new cousin and see their other cousin. My mom is super stressed that my sisters are not talking to me and I am very upset. What would you do??? thanks.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I have a similar situation w/ my in-laws. No one's talking, and it's really frustrating to say the least. I personally don't think you shld change your thinking about not giving your mom money. It's not your sisters' place to tell you what to do w/ your money. That's your business. It's not like you're not giving your mom any support. You're supporting her, but in a different way. W/out your help financially, is your mom struggling to pay the bills? Also, does this mean that your sisters have to chip in more money b/c you're not contributing? If your mom is ok w/ your decision to help her in other ways, and you can see that she's not struggling to stay afloat, I don't see why you shld change what you're doing. It's really unfortunate that your mom is caught in the middle of all this. Also, w/ a new baby on the way, it wld be great if you cld all put you're differences aside and just move forward. This is a really difficult situation to give advice on b/c unless your sisters are willing to accept your decision, or you choose to go along w/ their thinking, there may always be friction. I can only hope, as I hope in my situation as well w/ my in-laws, that time will heal all wounds. You may never agree on this issue, but if you can all respect each other's decisions and accept them, you can have peace and happiness again. You all need to realize that you're individuals with your own thoughts and opinions. If you can accept each other for who you are, and respect one another's feelings, you will be a much happier family. I hope that things work out for you and your family.

kaytersaunt__86's picture
kaytersaunt__86

Dear Folks,

After 21 years, we still can't get along. Throughout my teen years, my mom and I argued so terribly that it left deep scars; still, new situations arise that create certain disagreements.

Without going too far and whining about all our battles, a quick summary is in order. We argue about how i spend my money. Although, I do have student loans in her name (and mine), I have never asked her for money to pay my bills. I live out on my own, working full-time and even paying for school next semester in cash. She continues to tell me I shouldn't spend money to get nails put on, etc. I understand her intention this month she actually went into my account and withdrew $1500 to pay a bill of mine, without telling me! I found out by accessing my account a week later and she still hadn't called me.

Another situation arose recently after I got a DUI, she later found me drinking, continued to call my probation officer, and ban me from being in my best friends wedding as the maid of honor. Otherwise she said I could not be part of the family. The wedding had been set for three years, and I had known the bride for 9. I did not go...I wonder how I let that happen.

I feel that she doesn't trust me to live my own life, and she would rather schedule my whole future because she knows the best, rightist way. I want to tell her that I appreciate the help?? but there need to be guidelines if she wants me in her life. Does anyone have any ideas? Moms? Daughters? Counselors?

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Hi kaytersaun,
I'm sorry to hear about your conflicts w/ your mom. I know too well how that can be. I think, at 21, you need to be financially free of your mom. It's great that you're on your own, have a job, and you're paying your own way (mostly). However, you need to get your mom's name off your accounts and student loans, and if you can, put them in your name only. If that's not doable, find a responsible person, that you trust, and add his/her name to them. It sounds like your mom is trying to control your life a bit, but also in her defense, she may just be concerned about you. I'm a mom now, so I can see her side in this too. The fact that you got a DUI probably concerns her. When I was around your age, I got a DUI also. I was never really a drinker, and I'm still not. It was just one of those things. I think everyone goes through that party stage at one point in their lives. As long as it's not taking over your life, and you've learned from your mistakes, move on. I can only imagine now how much $$$ you owe for your DUI, plus school loans, living expences.... If you can swing it all on your own, good for you! That wld be your best bet. I don't think you shld rely on your mom for assistance, unless that's your only choice. It may only cause more conflicts in your relationship w/ her. Try to work out a pymt plan. Do what you can to keep on top of your bills so you don't fall behind. Prioritize your pymts, and pay what you can. If you can avoid interest, great. If not, send small pymts at a time so no one can fault you for not paying. Also, cut back on your other spending (clothes, restaurants, nails, etc.). When you get caught up and have that money to spend, then you can do those things. I think your mom is meddling a bit, but I also think she's looking out for your best interests. Show her that you can be a responsible young woman, and I think then she will back off. Try to talk to her about how you feel, and listen to what she has to say. I hope things get better for you and your mom soon.