RHONDAKO's picture
RHONDAKO

SON TOLD ME HE HATED ME

My son will be 13 at the end of August. He has morphed into the two headed monster over the past two months. His father and I were divorced when he was five. I am remarried and his stepfather plays a big role in the childrens lives. I also have a twin daughter and an eight year old son. My current husband has no biological children of his own so he kind of fell into the roll nicely. I am a strick mother and do stick with the punishment that is dealt. My son has been getting into quite a few mishaps in school and at home lately. This means he is grounded to his room, has extra chores to do, no t.v., radio, games, etc. He really is punished. There is none of the "your grounded now go watch t.v" in our home. I never had this type of follow through with my parents and I wrecked havoc all through out my teen years. I want my children to understand that making mistakes comes with growing up but there are consequences for their actions and they are usually not fun ones when they do not follow the rules. That kind of let's you all know a little bit about me. My son will not talk to me about much of anything. I had to whole sex talk with the twins and there wasn't much response of course. They were embarrassed, I was embarrassed. I did the best I could. My son has been "dating" if you can call it that since they can't go anywhere a girl that has been rumored to not be a virgin. I've caught her smoking. I've caught her back in the woods with boys. She sends red flags up all around. I was told by another parent that my son was given condoms by her. I calmly approach him about them as best I can. I ask him if he has them because boys think they are cool to have in their wallet. I can remember boys flashing them in school and thinking they were hot stuff. Then I asked if he was thinking about having sex. He was irrate with me. He told me I had issues. Stormed out of the room. I then got mad and yelled at him to come back. I explained that this was not a comfortable conversation for me to have either but it needs to be said. He then tells me he hates me and can not stand living in this house anymore and wants to move in with his dad. I didn't get mad. I just told him I was hurt that he said that and that I'm sorry he feels that way because I love him more than anything in the world. How do you deal with your child telling you they hate you? All I was doing is asking why he had condoms. Why in the world does a 12 year old need a condom? He hasn't even hit puberty yet.



tamz's picture
tamz

You sound very strict mom! The boy is coming into a very ackward stage just now. I would only address the issues with his gf that you can prove. You caught her smoking and I would let him know you do not approve. Don't trash the girl or he won't take you serious (kids at that age seem to find their friends more important than any other people)Try to balance your critical feedback about the "bad" girl with a little bit of truthful praise. For example: Suzie was polite when I saw her yesterday, but I don't think smoking is a smart choice... He does not hate you mom, but maybe you can be extra tough on the big stuff and give him a bit of slack on the minor infractions. As far as the condoms, I would worry about this "bad" girl who is rumored to be promiscuous. My son stole some condoms from my drawer when he was about that age. He was curious and I think he may have used it alone (if you know what I mean) ... I think you should re-address the after he has calmed down. He said he hates you because you embarressed him. It sucks when your secret is revealed for any person. Just explain that you are concerned that he is considering trying sex. Then be quiet and just let him talk. If you have to wait in a moment then wait. Ask him to help you understand his philosposy about sex. Ask him what is his plan (exp. stay virgin til marriage, college, High school, when he find the "right" girl) at least then you will get him thinking about it before he just suddenly faced with a choice. Trust me, girls these days are aggressive and he can easily be offered a chance. Good Luck!

thelightinglady's picture
thelightinglady

Been there, done that - it doesn't work, never has, never will. It screws up the kid, the family and you. Round pegs don't fit in square holes, and if you keep trying, that is the definition of insanity.

Kids at this age need to be given some (quite a bit)of leeway - control over their own lives - they need choices to feel in control. I have 2 younger boys as well - 11 & 12 - both have put 10 condoms on a cucumber. Why? B/C I have no control when they are going to have sex and I don't want them to try to do the right thing and use one when the time comes, and mess it up, get frustrated and say to heck with it. They also have been part of a discussion that sex with one person is in fact sex with as many people as that person has slept with. They were a bit embarrassed at first, but with open lines of communication, it disappated pretty quickly. They both know about jelly, diaphrams, girls condoms and yes, oral sex too. They need to. They know about homosexuality and that if they have any questions that they can ask me or dad - we are non-judgemental. And NEVER embarrass your child or anyone else for that matter - Shame on you. It never gets you the results you want. Think about it.

Smoking is a whole other issue. But in essence, your time is up to instill your values to him. Now it's time for you to be patient, sit back and watch carefully. If it's not life threatening, let him make choices and live with the natural (not mom inflited) consequences. Be supportive and show UNCONDITIONAL love. Always be emotionally available. Use Emotional Intelligence. If you don't know what it is, go to amazon.com and search "gottsman". Help him endure the consequences. Whether you realize it or not, you are literally pushing your child away from you. Your actions are telling him that you are not a safety zone. That's really dangerous.

You and your son are in for some really rough roads ahead - you don't trust him and he doesn't trust you. In the adult world we call that Divorce. And he has divorced you. Get into therapy - you and him. And if he won't go, you go. And step dad too. If there are other kids in the house, them too. There's a trainwreck coming and you don't see it. A good therapist will. And they'll help you put on the brakes, if possible.
Best of luck to you. And by the way, your son has clearly hit puberty.