Pregnancy
Discussion Title: Sexuality, commitment, marriage, divorce
Created by: gail Hanso...
Created on: Thu, 01/03/2008 - 1:04pm.
Created by: gail Hanso...
Created on: Thu, 01/03/2008 - 1:04pm.
multi-contributor blog about
sexuality, commitment, marriage, divorce
SinglDad and others with opinions, let's take the gloves off and have a discussion about these issues. They are foundational to parenting, as sex (uniting sperm and egg) is what causes children. Can we try it, and see if we can keep it respectful, both of one another's reasoning skills and emotional responses? I think that reasoning and emotion are both valid modes of response to this core issue. I don't think we need to use any biological terms, either scientific or vulgar, as what I would like to be discussing is the social and relationship context of sexual activity. I would also like to include ideas about discussing the context of sexual activity with our children. I posit as a basic idea that educating our children is an "early and often" point, like Mayor Daley said about voting.
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Replied: 4/12/2009 9:07am.
So, here's a comment on Whoops! the paternity test was positive now what.
I suggested that an option was to leave the little guy and his family alone. SnglDad assumed that I wouldn't say the same if it were a mother involved, and I didn't bother to argue, however, if a bio-mom wanted to renege on an adoption, I would tell her tough, you don't disrupt the kid's family just because you changed your mind. I am also opposed to "open adoption" because I think it destabilizes the child's world-view.
So the bio-dad and his gf decided that it was better for the little guy to have a relationship with his bio-dad than to have whatever stability his mom had been able to provide him. Now, since overnight visits have started, the little boy is being medicated for anxiety issues.
Go figure, why would anybody, even a three year old, have anxiety when they have to stay the night with strangers a couple of times a month because a judge said so, and mommy and the lawyer (both very powerful beings) say there is nothing we can do about it. I would be perfectly fine with that. I wouldn't need medication or therapy. I would just be glad that my "real daddy" and I could have a relationship now.
"*just paying child support and staying out of his life IS NOT going to happen. That would just be too hard to explain to this young man when he gets old enough to realize that dad's wallet was available, but dad wasn't."
Here's what you could say when YOUR bio-child asks you why you were not involved in his/her childhood.
"I thought your mom/dad/adoptive parents loved you and were doing great things for you. I really wanted to be involved, but it seemed to me that it was more important that you and your family were not disrupted because of what I wanted. Every time it was your birthday, every time I saw a family at the park, it made me sad. I will never have that time with you. But you turned out terrific! I am so proud of you!"
Here's what you could say when you want to have sex with some random person of the opposite sex. "NOOOOOO!"
Idle curiosity, I wonder if this particular child resulted from a safe sex failure, or just impulsiveness.
Undisputable fact: this child's anxiety did not result from celibacy before marriage, fidelity after.
Replied: 4/13/2009 9:46am.
We don't know all the details of this dad's past, if he was in a relationship, or if it was just a one time thing. I don't think all that matters now. I don't think either parent planned on having a child, but it happened. At least dad is being responsible, and he obviously wants to be in his child's life. Why not? Think about when this child gets older. He won't ever have to wonder who his real father is. Yes, he has a bond w/ his current family, and I know a new family has come into his life, but if both parents work together for the benefit of their son, I'm sure in the long run he'll be fine. I think a lot of the problem lies w/ the mom. She's only aggravating the situation more by building friction between herself and dad. Of course their son is going to pick up on this, and of course he's going to be anxious. Maybe he was anxious before this pt, but maybe not. I agree w/ acitez that maybe overnight stays w/ dad are a bit premature at this time. Maybe it's best if the parents work together in easing this child into his dad's life. And medication? Not my kids. Any child wld feel uneasy about getting to know a new family at first. He just needs time. He also shldn't be forced to do anything he doesn't want to do. Maybe it wld help if mom was there during day visits for a while. Then gradually she can back off, and they can see what happens.
I don't think it's fair to blame dad for this boy's anxiety. I also don't think he shld be kept in the dark about this issue or anything else that pertains to his son. It's pretty clear that mom did whatever she cld to keep dad out of this boy's life in the beginning. Why didn't she tell dad that she was pregnant and that he possibly cld be the father? Why did dad have to go through a paternity test and fight for the right to see his son? Did mom not know that he was the father? That's a little hard to believe. Don't you think that during that whole timeframe, dad wld've had the opportunity to better bond w/ his son right from the start? Then maybe this boy wldn't feel anxious at all. So who is really to blame here? Mom shld have opened up to dad about him possibly being the father, and the paternity test shld've been performed right away. Then, possibly, none of this wld've gotten to the pt it has, and maybe they cld be bonded as a happy family afterall.
Replied: 4/14/2009 12:32pm.
Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.
The bio mom and bio dad share the blame, the little boy gets to pay the price.
You guys all stay here and hope it all turns out all right. Keep telling people that maybe sex won't make babies, and maybe establishing a shaky foundation for children ON PURPOSE is okay, and maybe riding roughshod over other people's lives is okay because you have the right, and if you are paying child support that means you are buying access to the child you accidentally created.
I'm quoting this from that "Paternity" thread.
"Things the mom did not realize could fill a book.
1. Sex can get you pregnant.
2. Even protected sex can get you pregnant.
3. If you have a good job so you can take care of yourself and the baby, the economy can go sour and you can lose your job.
4. When you apply for welfare, one of the things you have to do is name the father. This is because my tax dollars should be used to support people in "genuine need," not the b*****d of a man who has resources. (Try to remember that b*****d means the child of a woman who is not married to the father of the child.)
I'm following gail. BYE BYE FOLKS
Replied: 4/14/2009 9:45pm.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference.
Replied: 4/15/2009 9:26am.
Acitez, you are taking our opinions way too personally. I can be sensitive about certain things as well, but I also try to be open minded to other people's views. I may think differently than you about certain issues, but that doesn't mean I don't respect your opinions. We are all here to give the best advice as we see it. It is the original poster's job to sort through the various opinions, and decide what is the best option for him/her. Obviously that person wldn't have come here if he didn't want different pts of view. None of us are claiming to be experts. Any sensible person wld take what they read on these posts and consult a professional before following our advice. We don't know one another, and we all know there are some real wackos out there. We can never be too careful. There are good intentioned people out there, though, I believe you being one of them. Just try to understand that there are others like yourself that also have good intentions, but only have different pts of view. That's what makes these debates interesting. That's what makes this world interesting.
Replied: 4/15/2009 9:28am.
I'm sorry. You are right.
Replied: 4/15/2009 9:55am.
Thank you. I'm sorry too if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. That's not my intention at all.
Replied: 4/15/2009 11:11am.
It sounds like SnglDad agrees with this point that gail made.
"That is why it is so important to teach our children to be particular about the life-stage at which and partner with whom they have sexual relations. The will have a nearly 19-year commitment if contraception fails."