judyhoo's picture

Need advice on Day Care issue with Best Friend

Hi all, first time here and just wanted to get some input from imparital people on a subject.

On monday when I picked my 11 year old daughter up from the at home day care she attends, her eyes were pink and they sitter said she thought she was getting pink eye. Long story short my daughter and her best friend (the sitters 11 year old daughter) were outside and she told my daugther that she didn't want to be friends anymore, that my daughter bugged her and she was imature and that they had nothing in common (many other hurtful things) so my daughter had cried and that is why her eyes were all pink when they came in.

The daughter of the sitter asked my daughter if she had anything to say, and my daughter replied "no i have to come here for the next year and half) so baisically she didn't feel like she could say anything back to this girl and not jeopordize our day care arrangement.

I called the sitter later that night, and told her everything my daugher and said. These girls have a long history, they have been friends since they were 3 and my daugher has attended this day care for the last 8.5 years. She of course was concerned that he daughter could be that mean to her best friend.

My daughter said she does not want to go back to this at home day care facilty and I am supporting her in that. I told her we would make other arrangements. When I told the sitter she said she was offended that I would make that decision. We have been friends and have grown somewhat close over the years but i feel like have to do what is best for my daughter and right now her feelings are so hurt she can't even fathom having a discussion with the girl let alone going back to her house.

The girl would like to talk with her but I told the sitter it would have to be on neutral ground (she wanted to have my daugher come after school one day back to their home) or have them do it at school. Since my daughter is still raw over it I said school is out since she will most likely cry again and would be mortified in school and that their house is not a neutral area that my daughter would feel safe or comfortable in anymore

My question is, would you continue to send your daughter there or would you just tell them it is over and two do you think I am over reacting or letting my child over react by not making her go back?

I am sure some of this is probably hormonal on both girls parts as we are in the full throws of puberty at this age. I want my child to know that she can come to me with a problem and I will hear her and try to find the best solution possible.

I always thought it was a saying, "you look like you lost your best friend" but when you see that look on your childs face and have her sobbing in your arms, you arealize this happens in life and it stinks for the girls who actually did loose her best friend.

mayamay's picture

Upsets among children should not control relationships between adults. YOU owe your daycare provider an apology every bit as much as her daughter owes your daughter an apology.

It could be that the other family's home life has been overly stressed by the mom's occupation. That conversation should take place between your provider and her husband and children. It is unfortunate that your daughter became the focus of the other girl's frustration.

Is there some reason why you could not invite them to your home for a discussion?

Best friends fight. For Pete's sake, sisters fight. Married people fight.

We learn as we become adults to fight fair, to be considerate of feelings, and to forgive. We also learn to shoulder responsibility for problems. Sometimes, in order to rebuild the relationship, we must shoulder what feels like MORE than our share of responsibility, because the relationship is more important than being fair.

manyjs's picture

I don't think you owe an appology you have a financial arrangement with this person to provide a service. Taht person has becomea friend in the mean time but the reason for the daughter going is the services rendered as a care provider. Why would you feel you have to continue that arrangement if it wasn't in the beset interest of your daughter?

I think part of learning how to fight fair is when you do something to someone else sometimes you can't fix it with words. Time heals all wounds and maybe you need some time apart.

Also I don't know why the person who responded would think the sitter has a more stressful life than the poster. That is an assumption.

mayamay's picture

I didn't say it was more stressful, I just said it MAY be overly stressed. If you have never provided daycare you have little basis for comparison. The children are required to share their home with the clients of the daycare. Would you be just tickled pink if your husband's clients came to dinner every night?

Andrew's picture

I think if the offer still stands by the other girl to talk maybe your daughter could casually invite the her over for a movie and dinner or something they would both enjoy for an evening(possibly her mom too so you can talk with her) . Let the girls enjoy the evening and see how they feel about each other after, give them time. It is important that they resolve the issue whatever the outcome. Better if they can do it themselves. Some times parents can jump in a bit too fast to protect. If they resolve the issue it would develop independence and possibly make their bond stronger again as friends. If they resolve it and decide not to be friends then at least hopefully they can be casual acquaintances and respectful to each other in school. :)

judyhoo's picture

Thank you all for the input on both sides. We actually did have the girl here for a sleep over the weekend before the incident and had a good time. That is why my daughter was so blindsided by her comments that they have nothing in common and that she is immature. I often take her for overnights and her parents were car shopping on Saturday. I am also her girl scout leader for the past 7 years so i have this girl in my care on a regular basis( as volunteer not paid)

You are correct in saying they have had some stress, a grand parent is not in good health and they have a older daughter who just quit college and is trying to figure out life. That being said, we are not unfamiliar with stress either, my parents (my daughters grandparents) have both passed away recently, my husband lost his job last year and is starting his own business and I was diagnosed with a brain tumor they are watching and will have another mri next month.

So who has more stress i can't really say.

As far as trying to be fair about the home daycare issue, it was I who pointed out to my sitter that I would never want her child to feel like someone is coming to their home who her child would rather not have there and that it would be like her being punished if she was sent to her room or another part of the house if she didn't want my duaghter there or found her bothersome.

We are trying to arrange a time together at the ball field after practice so they can have a converstion. We will see how it goes from there and if my daughter is comfortable with going back after that.

I really do think some time appart will be healing to both of them and maybe they will see what they would miss in each other.

Andrew's picture

Sorry to hear about your ill health but remember positive thinking can be amazing and creates positive energy in your whole house that every one can feed off. I hope everything works out with the girls.

All the best

judyhoo's picture

Thanks, Life throws you curve balls sometimes and you just have to keep swinging!!!

I really feel fine, my kids know I am fine and many people actually have this type of tumor and it is usually slow growing. In fact my husbands brother had one removed about 2 years ago and is fine, he just lost part of his vision but that is minor compared to what some people go through.

Beside, I get to tell people it's all in my head ;-)

Thanks for the kind words.