HeidiAnn's picture

My 4 year old's friend

I have a 4 year old daughter (G) who has an 8 year old friend (J), by default--we are neighbors and there are no other kids in the neighborhood. J lives with her mom and grandma in a very disfunctional home. recently the grandma asked me to call 911 because her daughter (J's mom) was going to commit suicide and she was hitting her every time she picked up the phone. J used to be a nice, considerate little girl. she is changing and I can't stand her anymore. she is contradictory to everything my daughter says. she is always the mom or the teacher when they play. I feel like I have to tail them every time they are playing now because I don't trust this little girl anymore. It is making me very moody-not to mention the girl is here ALL DAY, every day. her mom makes no effort at all to be part of her life or even play with her. I play with my daughter ALOT. but now, when J comes over I am getting really crabby towards my daughter because I am so resentful about J being here all the time. I spend so much time with them and basically, I am resentful towards J's mom for being such a crappy mom and she has never even acknowledged that I spend a ton of time entertaining her daughter. I am tired of it. I want this girl to go home. I can't entertain her all day at the expense of my own daughter who is always the baby or the student. I am sick of it but I don't know what to do. there's NO chance of talking to J's mom. she is emotionally unstable. My daughter thinks this girl is her best friend and they are pretty close. J is not intentionally being this way--her personality is changing because of her age but also because of her mom being so disfunctional. what can I do? please give me some advice. I feel like I have to plan activities away from home every day just so I don't have to entertain J all day. It has already started to be a really long summer.

Kara's picture

Hi, i suggest you move into another house. Your kid needs to have a best friend, but of course not the type you mentioned up there. Hopefully in the new neighbourhood there will be more kids of her age, and from more appropriate families. Good luck!

acitez's picture

So, J is living with a completely dysfunctional mom and a grandma who is trying to cope with raising a grandchild and with a dysfunctional adult child. J's only friend is a kid half her age. J's way of interacting with this kid acknowledges that they are of different maturity levels, because J would really like to do 8 year old things with 8 year old kids, but there's just this baby 4 year old to play with.

You say you don't trust J. Has she done things that are dangerous or mean?

I think it is wise to supervise closely.

Only2boys's picture

So does J call to come over or does she just show up?

I would just tell her at times that you and your daughter have some things to do together for the day and that maybe a day later in the week would work. I would say a certain day and only allow her to come that day. If she shows up at your house another day, then nicely say that your daughter is not going to be able to play today, but (whatever day you decide) would work for her to come play with your daughter.

Remember it is your house and it doesn't sound like the other daughter is having good role models, so try to be one for her. I would watch the girls closely. Try to keep them in a room where they can be watched. There are bigggggggggggg differences between an 8 year old and a 4 year old. (my son's ages)

Good luck.


concerned mom's picture
concerned mom


The age difference concerns me the most here, especially if this girl doesn't have good role models around her. My biggest concern wld be this girl being a bad influence on your daughter. Right now she's still young, but if this friendship continues, this girl will soon be a teenager. Who knows? She may grow up to be a good, stable kid. Still, I wld encourage your daughter to interact w/ kids her age, and get involved in age appropriate activities. It shldn't be your job to babysit this girl, which is what seems to be happening. I wldn't discourage the relationship altogether, but I wld keep a watchful eye over the girls when they are together. If you see something you don't like, address it right away. Obviously, if this girl doesn't change and her behavior is directly affecting your daughter, take action. Right now, however, I wld let the girls play under your supervision, and only when you're available and willing. Don't let the family take advantage of the situation. As bad as you feel for this girl, you must do what you need to do for your family first. Good luck.