alyfox's picture

Meeting the children

I'm currently seeing someone who has two kids. Ages 5 and 2. We are making arrangements for me to meet the both of them. How should we go about introducing me (someone new) into their lives? I want them to feel as comfortable as possible.

2ndwife's picture

wait 16 years

I just came across this site today, and I was thinking how I wish I had known what that gail person was saying before I ever met my husband's kids. Read that board, "Sexuality, commitment, marriage, divorce" over on the popular discussions, then read all the boards that are complaining about how the step kids mess up the relationship, and read all the boards about how the stepkids are in trouble: pregnant, defiant and rude, in jail, failing school, suicidal.

For your own sake, for your boyfriend or girlfriend's sake, for the children's sake, run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Don't look back.

Tay's picture

Dont listen to her cause she have had a rough marriage and if you finna meet your mans kids all he have to do is introduce your self nice to them and introduce your self as daddies friend being they is only 5 and 2 and what i dont see why you is worried i see if they were 12-16 then you kinda would've had a problem then but they is only 5 and 2 they still toddlers dont go in there looking nervous and relaxed dont worry every thing will be alright


2xstepmom's picture

This is such a complicated situation. I met my ex 23 years ago when his girls were 3,5 and 7. They were sweet and loving, everything went reasonably well until the oldest girl turned 12, then went downhill as they each got older. I tried my heart out and did everything possible, church, therapy, well over $25,000 in lawyer and other bills to no avail and ended up divorced, in debt and heartbroken. Over the next 12 years, 2 more relationships ended because of problems with the guys kids. Then 1 1/2 years ago I met a man with 3 boys, 8,11 and 21. I made it clear from the very beginning, these are HIS chiildren, mine are grown and his boys live with their mother who may not be ideal in his eyes but takes fairly good care of them. We got married and his motives began to come out. Because I am a professional nanny and child mental health worker, he thought I "would fall in love with his children as I had fallen in love with him and back him in getting his younger children away from their mother since I am so much of a better person and role model than their mother." Who from what I can see is a fine person. He just wants to take them away from his ex to hurt her. The boys adore me and would love to live with us because the grass looks greener over here. I refused to have any part in this and we have now been separated for 2 months because my 24 y/o daughter who was in an abusive and controlling relationship for 5 years finally had enough and came home to get her life together. My husband threw it up that I would not help him fight for his boys to live with us (when they already have a good life with their mother)but I opened my home (we live in my house) to my daughter who needs help right now. What a mess!!!!! I would not say walk don't run, but, just do not have a romantic notion of the Brady Bunch which does NOT exist, and be realistic about the probable problems down the road. I don't know of any blended family that works(except the multimillionaire McCains) and in my birth family, my mother was a widow with 5 kids, met my dad and had my sister and me. Our half siblings resented us because they felt we were the whole kids and they were half, and put us through a lot and even to this day there is still resentment. Wish I had more positive to offer but it is what it is. Unless you have plenty of emotional energy, time and money, don't even get involved. Good luck!!!!

Zatherina's picture

My husband had divorced about 2 yrs prior to our dating. When I met the children, I was more nervous about the whole thing than the children. The two boys were 9 and 13 and were going through a terrible situation with their mother. To make a long story short he moved in with me and 4 months later child services granted him sole custody. I now realize the fun times we had together were certainly not enough to allow for a mutually respectful relationship. I failed to observe the situaltion correctly and attributed much of the disrespect displayed to my husband as "boy/men" behavior which eventually spilled over into my live. My husband's guilt over the entire situation with their mother led to a desire to overcompensation or plainly ignore bad or destructive behavior. They are now 16 and 20. The eldest left but not before getting his younger brother involved in drugs. I love my husband dearly but I would never do this again unless the children were out of the house or we had separate living spaces. Please take a good look at the roles everyone seems to play or demand before you leap.

Good Luck!

tamz's picture

People have to be pretty dynamic to pull off blended families. I have heard story after story about the difficulty of "step" parenting. One thing you should remember if you are going to do this is - You are not a parent of these kids - don't try to be. Allow your bf and his ex to have all the say this his children. I don't want to say "run" but you should read the many many posts here talking about the difficulties of what you are contemplating. Go into this with your eyes wide open and DO NOT think "this won't happen to me, we are in love" that's just ignorant. Good Luck! I would say if you meet the kids treat them as you would any other kid you meet with kindness and don't try to hard to impress them. Just be genuine.