ana9128's picture
ana9128

i need step mom advice

I'm soon to be married and the guy I'm marring has 2 kids from a previous marriage and after his divorce his ex wife took his kids from him for a while. Well a few mouths ago she started allowing him to see his kids again (i got to meet them for the first time) I'm loving them there's just one problem he terrified she going to take them away again . he wont let me disaplane the two yr old even when he leave her with me while he runs to the store or something. Any time his ex ask him to take them so she can go whatever she does (even if we had plans)he does so she wont take the kids away again. it to the point where i can't make plans unless they can be easily postponed or fit 2 small kids into the mix.

i think she is taking advantage of the fact that hes scared she'll take them how do i get him to stand up to her so we can have a life together that doesn't revolve around trying not to up setting" his ex.
i don't even think she'll take them away again



mayamay's picture
mayamay

I suggest you read the posts under the stepfamilies section of these message boards. You will find heartwrenching stories of families. These are all people who started with love for each other and with good intentions. If I were single or divorced, I wouldn't date anyone with children. If I were divorced or widowed with children, I wouldn't date until the kids were all grown.

Children are entitled to the attention of their parents. If the family is intact, then the time spent building the parents relationship provides a stronger home for the children. If the family is not intact, then the time spent with step-parents takes away from the children. This is borne out not only by the message boards on this site, but by lots and lots of research. There are a few families that make it work.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

This is the situation and you have to deal with it as it is. These children deserve to have their father in their lives. Unless you are willing to do whatever you have to do in order to make it work, do not marry this man. Your life with this man, his ex and his children will always "revolve around trying not to upset his ex". And, yes, his ex may very well decide to take his children away again, even if legal action is taken. She has already done it once. You will probably never be able to make the plans or live the life you seem to want.

I lived a similar situation with my ex. Once we got married, his ex made our lives more and more miserable. After 6 years of negativity, we gave up and divorced. As mayamay pointed out, marriages with these stresses seldom have a chance.

ana9128's picture
ana9128

its not her that's the problem she admits she made a mistake taking them from him and want us to have them in our lives ... she seems sencer about that... he wont even discipline his daughter when she misbehaves ... i don't want him to beat her or any thing i just don't want her running off when we take her out or hitting other kids when i'm around other children. its to the place where my mom has band his daughter from her house becuz she scared his daughter is going to hurt one of my nieces i don't really think i'm pushing things to much by asking for a lil control over the child and i don't think his ex will mind if we put her daughter in time out when she does something wrong in fact i think she might want us to keep control over her

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

It sounds as if Dad does not have a court order for visitation. If not, why? If he has yet to get a court order, he can expect to fear his kids being used as pawns to keep him in line until the kids are of legal age.

ana9128's picture
ana9128

no not yet and he wont go get it cuz he afraid that if he does he wont get vistion with the lil girl cuz she not realy hes tho he has been with the mom through whole prgentcy and most of her life.

ana9128's picture
ana9128

im also not sure his son is old enough for vistiion he only 3 mouths i think he has to be a leat 6 mounths

mayamay's picture
mayamay

If he was married to the mom when the child was born, in my state he would be the legal father. Don't know about laws in other states. Also, he and the mom divorced when the baby was less than three months old?

I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10 foot pole.

ana9128's picture
ana9128

the father of the oldest one has parental right assablished so my bf no longer has the rights i dont think and she filed for a divorce the day she come home from the hospital from having his son she would have filed sooner but the state laws wont let u get a divorce when the woman is pregnet

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Finish school, get a job, find a man who doesn't have a complicated life.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Agree with the above advice, you will always have this chaos and uncertainty to deal with as long as you are with this man. Do not settle in life, love does NOT conquer all.