MaxxedOutMom's picture

don't like being a mom

I have a 4yo & 2yo(almost 3)boys and feel so overwhelmed with them. They do go into daycare a few times a week, but even the few hours at night are too much. I wake up to nastiness, hitting, mean talk and end up yelling at them all day. To discipline the meanness, they can both be in a timeout by 8 or 9am. Some say to choose my battles, I feel like I never know which ones to choose. If I do a t.o., it escalates into a full tantrum & yelling battle, but if I don't then they are getting away with it. I've tried ignoring the "poop" talk, its still around after 6mos. We give t.o. for hitting...they end up having 5 t.o.'s a day - boys hit, boys will be boys, right?

The 4yo's bad behavior is fueled by jealousy so we've tried addressing that issue but can't be on top of it all the time. How many times each day & week do I have to tell him to stop hitting, and be nice???? And to stop splattering applesauce all over the kitchen...the "experts" advice is to use humor...when I've cleaned up applesauce for the 5th time in a week, it isn't funny anymore. ANd no, making him clean it up just makes more of a mess.

I really want to walk away from it all. This isn't fun, everyone said having kids was great. I'm not seeing it. Everyone says to have patience and humor, sorry, mines all used up. Looking for real advice, not textbook ideology. Thanks.

donna70's picture

know that it is ok to feel like giving up some people will say how could you but honest every parent feels this way at one time ,the problem is some parents feel this more than others due to behavior problems fist i would have them checked there are some real medical behavior problems that may not been detected by going to the ped,doc or family doc. next sit down and get a plan together of what you want to happen and what you will put up with ,i have heard the term "boys will be boys" but i to believe boys can be boys but they can also be self controled boys it seems to me you are having a wall put up when you tell your boys what you want what will be allowed and what wont be allowed ,a scream match will only make more noise i found out with my own if i yelled they yelled if i talked to them it worked better ,also you might try a compromise if they want to make a mess with the food see if they will not do that so that they can go outside and make food art .i tell my kids that they mess it up they clean it up but like you i found they mess more when cleaning so i now tell them if they spill it then the one who doesnt wil get to have all the fun we are doing time out works great but i do think helps more to show what a child who does not listen misses out on let them see for themselves what good kids get to do fun make them sit and watch ,hopefully one will get to do it and one will not so they can see the fun the other is having i used this on mine it took a few but after watching one have fun and them not getting to they change their sweet little minds fast .also i find time out and good behavior works best if they get a reward it doesnt have to be something you spend money on it can be alone time with mom,cooking .also if you can find ways to make helping you with things like cleaning more fun it will make you stop feeling like the family slave little items they like can be hidden and they can find and have if they help mom .most important our children are very smart smarter then most give credit to they know mom is close to loosing it and they will pick that moment to push that much harder .my daughter is the queen of this dont give in be stern and loving take a few min to give each one some one on one time ,tell them what you expect from them and what they get for doing it and what will happen when they dont listen good luck ..take some mom time also sounds like you could use it !!when they are having the fits do not give them attention that will just feed them for more of a fit tell them to stop and walk away you may have to tell them more at first but once they see they dont get your attention with all that junk then it will get better just tell them plain with as little words you can and once it is over tell them you love them but mom can not be around them if this is the way they are going to act let them know it is their choice either be kids who act good or they can just sit alone when the screaming starts let them know they can not have your attention with acting like that my daughter spent most of her summer in time out one year smart mouths deserve time out also ,you are the parent take back your home because until now it sounds like you have slowly lost it .being a parent can be wonderful but you have to get through the battles to get to the wonderful .

acitez's picture

Do you have some support--involved father, extended family, friends?

When I had 3 little girls I was exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed, angry all the time.
My house was a mess.

What finally helped?

Set priorities, simplify what you have to get done.

Seriously consider throwing out all but three or four toys, 10 days of clothes.

The prioirities for keeping up with the house are
1. Sharp things are stored properly
2. Poop is managed properly
3. Rotten food is disposed of, other food is stored properly.

Anything you get done beyond this basic stuff, you should get a medal for, red carpet and a dozen roses.

(for snglDad, edit #2, Turds are managed properly)

the priorities for rearing the children are
1. attachment
2. self-regulation
3. affiliation

Look up six core personality strengths, so you can have a broader perspective on what it is you are doing.

2xstepmom's picture

Your comment "I really want to walk away from it all" brought back memories. Do you have anyone who would watch your boys for a few days so you can get away? If not, you could start a babysitting co-op as I did when my children were young. We took turns caring for one another's children so everyone got a break and no one had to pay. Once it was established, we expanded to overnights and then get-away weekends. My children loved getting to stay at their friend's houses and it was wonderful for them to have playmates when it was our turn. My 31 y/o son and his wife are due to have a baby 10/21 and already have a co-op in the works. This could be a solution for you.

MaxxedOutMom's picture

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate your empathy. I am so spent. DH and I have decided for me to get a job so we can afford 5 days of daycare and babysitter help on weekends. We have no family near us. This has been one of the worst few months - just when I thought we were turning a corner and 4yo behavior was better and I think I even smiled, it gets nasty.

Where do I get the strength to want to spent time with them? I'm spent. I have no desire to play with or teach them.

acitez's picture

Even if you get the job, you will still want to simplify at home. Coming home from a 6 or 8 hour day and having stuff to put away is another really terrible memory.

Only2boys's picture

Hi there. Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I also have two boys that are difficult to control. My youngest is 3, soon to be 4, and my oldest is 7 soon to be 8.

We've also been told to use humor when my oldest makes an inappropriate comment. By making a humorous comment back to their comment we were told that they find that what they said was out of line. This suggestion was from a child psychologist.

Can you set up a reward system for them? Make a prize bucket with things they like. Choose one behavior to start that they are doing that you want stopped. Have them compete against each other. When child A does the behavior you want stopped go and put a ticket in child B's baggie. Make sure child A sees you doing it. Then at the end of the week have them count their tickets and pick out from the prize box. Make sure you have put a ticket value to each item in the box. Also after so many tickets allow them to do a "special" thing. Have them help you make a list of things they would like for this "special" reward. You could call them stars for like 25 tickets. Things my kids came up with are ice cream and games at a restaurant near us, to play with a special friend, a camp-out night in our playroom, lunch at the pizza hut, lunch at red lobster, movie night, picnic at a playground, etc. Maybe you would want to start with messes, since you mentioned that above.

Have you taken your boys to be evaluated my their dr. or better yet a child psychologist?

Also could it be you are dealing with some depression? Depression effects people in different ways. Talk to your dr. about this.

Again, know that you are not alone. Hang in there and get some help.


concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I've been there too. As a stay at home mom w/ not much of a support system, I know how hard it can be. I, too, have 2 boys ages 5 1/2 and 4. They can be really good at times, but believe me when I say they have it in them to be demons. I wld never imagine walking out on them, but I have left the room a few times to blow off steam. One thing that has helped me is to get my boys involved in various different activities that I know they enjoy. They like to swim, go to the park, the library, do arts and crafts, whatever. I always try to keep them occupied w/ something. I find if they're not busy, they tend to get into trouble. Playdates are always great. My boys love having friends over and enjoy going to their friends houses too. I have a friend in town that I swap w/. We split the day. It works out great b/c we can get our stuff done (cleaning, shopping, whatever) w/out having to bring our kids w/ us.
Another thing I learned is not to nit pick about every little thing. I know this is hard to do, but the more you yell the more stressed you'll be. Try to nip things in the bud before you get aggrevated. Set rules and consequences. Most importantly, carry through w/ what you say.
You can't just run away from your children. You chose to have them, so now you have to be an important part of their lives. Your job is to set good examples for them. As hard as things get, they still need you. It's ok to set aside time for yourself to get out once in a while, but you need to make your priority your children. You'll look back on these days someday and realize the importance of all your hard work. No one said parenting is easy. Do the best you can w/ all that you have. Most of all, show your children how much you love them. You can do this. Don't give up on them now.

mysoultoday's picture

Wow! That is an amazing thing to say!
I hear you, and I wish I could hear others say it as well, because it is the truth.
It is okay.
It doesn't seem like you have the ability to be the parent that you want to be, or you think that your kids need, at present. You probably misjudged your capabilities when you decided to have them, and that sucks. A lot. I did that, too!
But it doesn't mean that things can't work out. It is good in a way, even, because it is an opportunity to learn about yourself and your place in the world.
It is very important to me that people do not blame their children for the difficulties they are having being a parent.
The situation is regrettable, but you didn't do it on purpose, and no parent really knows what they are in for, anyway. Forgive yourself, ask as many people as you can to forgive you, even your kids, maybe, if you can.
Try to do your best to get them good care when you can't be there for them.
I wish you luck,

buchan's picture

I feel the same way. I am very patient, even used to be a teacher. Have a good sense of humor and am great with behaviors, my daughter has very little behavior problems. She is under 3 and has always been very good. I just don't like being a mom and I don't know what to do about it. I love her so much, but it's a lifestyle not fit for me. It is hard to know if you will enjoy being a mom until you are actually one and by then it is too late if you do not enjoy it. I feel like I am trapped in my body doomed to be a slave forever and not being able to do ANYTHING I want. I even have a million people and hubby who help out but I just don't feel right. I am trying very hard and doing well, just dying inside. Why do people want so many kids? Is there something wrong with me?

mayamay's picture

I would see a specialist to check for depression. Some additional suggestions:
Get at least 15 minutes of heart-pumping exercise a day.
Get at least 15 minutes in the sunshine every day.
Carve out an hour somewhere to use your talents to improve the world--be a girl-scout leader, write, research--whatever you LOVE to do.

If you are depressed, be sure you get good counseling, antidepressant medications generally only treat the symptom.

re-read concerned mom and acitez posts. Good stuff there.