sandyintn's picture
sandyintn

college child/curfew etc.

My oldest child is taking a break from college and working - but continues to make poor choices by coming home late and many free hours with her boyfriend. My home has become a "hotel". There is clutter left at the entry door, cups, shoes, messy living room from staying up late watching tv, we don't even talk about the ugly state of her bedroom anymore.


Conversations between us are brief, I go into lecture mode easily even though I have gotten better at NOT doing it, I am so aggravated with her most of the time for her staying out late. I mean, what good things can be happening with her until 3 or 4 in the morning, you know? I was that age once myself, exercising my freedom and breaking rules, and even though I would not want to project any of my own mistakes onto her, I still strongly feel that there is no legitimate reason for her to be out that late. She then sleeps until noon, 1, 2 or even 3 in the afternoon! With the rest of the household in school/work, she is able to do that.
She does not contribute to the household monetarily or with chores. In fact, my husband continually fusses because she leaves the light on in her sink area when she leaves the house... costing us electricity. We have assisted her with things, such as car tires, insurance, dental appointments... She is 20 and has developed bad habits, most of them were allowed to continue because I am in such confusion about how to handle an 'adult' child!
I told her at summer's beginning, when she was complaining about her siblings being home (and bothering her carefree lifestyle), that she could respect the house rules and get along, or she needed to find her own place. She looked for a while and discovered (!) that she does not make enough money to move out. Confirmation that she needed us to survive, and so her disagreements became less vocal HOWEVER her coming in so late REALLY bothers me. A LOT! I am frustrated and find myself wanting her out of the house so that I do not have to deal with my emotions regarding this.
Would appreciate anyone's perspective and insight. thank you.


sandyintn's picture
sandyintn

Does no one have any words for me? :(

susanc's picture
susanc

I have delt with this situation to some extent.Our son is 18, and the teenage years have not been that easy.He did graduate H.S. and eaned a E.M.T. certificate.I gave up on the mess.The only difference is that we have 5 other kids in the family, the youngest only 7.He complained about everything! not enough food, kids toys everywhere, the girls made a mess in the bathroom,ect....We told him that he could get a place of his  own, and he did. he shares a appt. with a friend,works for an ambulance service, and is going to the local college for criminal justice. We do not pay for any of it.He has always been a kid that just has to do things his way.We could"nt get him up to go to school, but now that he is paying for his classes, he goes!We did have the advantage of explaining to him that his whinning and complaining was affecting his younger brother and sister.We just made it very clear, that if he was going to live at home, he would have to follow our rules. We did discuss charging him rent.Is it posible for your daughter to go back to school?It sounds like she needs to get a little more focused.If not, charge her rent!No exceptions.If she wants to act like an adult,then she really needs to be treated as one.Paying rent,buying some groceries, during laundry and cleaning are all part of that.If she is having a tough time with that, maybe she will realize she has to go back to school.Hope things get better for you soon!good luck.

sandyintn's picture
sandyintn

susanc, thank you so much for your reply. i appreciate you sharing your experience... and i agree, she def sets a poor example for her younger brother and sisters. thank you for your assurance that i DO need to do something... i am trying to get my nerve up and prepare.