Becca's picture
Becca

Cant live like this anymore???????????

Where do i start??? Ok here goes!!! I have been in a defacto relationship for 7 years i have 2 children .  1 son 8yrs and a daughter 11yrs. my partner has helped me raise the children since my youngest was 1yrs. he had 3 children to a previous relationship Boy 9, boy 10 and a daughter 11. his ex partner took off with the 3 children 7 yrs ago when his youngest was 18mths old .he hadnt llaid eyes on them or heard where they were for the 7 yrs we have been together. about 12 months ago we had to relocate as he had found out where they were living . family services got involved as they werent being lcared for and hadnt had schooling for about 18mnths it all went to family court which ended with them coming to live with us 10 months ago. with the mother having suprvised visits. she visited them once in that 10 months then no word so family court has givin full custody to my partner . the 10 year old and daighter have settled in really well with us and our other 2 children as they went without for so long they are happy for what they have now but the youngest one has never fit in by his own choice he was apparently the spoilt one with mum and the onther 2 missed out on physical and emotional effection . the youngest stepson also seems to be only 5yrs in the way he behaves , the way he speaks as in rudley swearing name calling spitting. has no idea of hiegine or how to behave when out or even with us its like she never let him grow up. he even treats his own siblings babdly and rudley let alone my 2 children. it has never gotten better with him it is getting worse as we go on he has threatened my son and older stepson with petrol and lighter , threatened to stab them while they sleep. he has no respect for teachers at school always backchatting and swearing at them . he never bathes unless told to . it was my partners birthday recently and he spat on cake so no-one could have any. his own brother and sister dont want to live here with him and my 2 children are finding it hard as they have always had a nice happy family . He has pushed me to the point that i want to remove my 2 children and leave the man i love as every day its worse and it is breaking me . the 2 other step children want to come with me if i go . my partner seems to be hell bent on keeping him here as he is his son but doesnt see what he his subjecting us to with the bad son still living with us . the family i had is falling apart and i dont know what else to do but leave , which will effect all other kids concerned as they love their dad and so do I . but love doesnt seem to be enough antmore to tolerate him. he has pushed so far that it makes me physiaclly sick to look at him i dont like him and i know it is to late to change that . if he was never to be in our lives again it would be the best news i could here. my partner works alot and doesnt see what we put up with he says i am a cruel [filtered word] ??? Am I ???? he doesnt understand that he has had my children in his life for 7 years and this little [filtered word] has been with us for 10 months how can that be a comparison. i just want him out . i cant contact child services as i dont want him to punish me for that in the future . but i would really like him to realise what it is doing to the other 4 children as i see it 4 content kids are better than one malicious , crule kid . their is alot more to whats happening but cant write it all now would like some ideas on how i can show my partener that removing him would be beneficial for the other 4 children without him feeling guilty for it later . we have tried the soft approach the hard approach, calling his bluff when he packs and say im going i dont want to be here and now we are doing it again it seems we are going around in circles with no ending . its even gotten to the stage when he is rude to my partner he lets him get away with it but when the other children misbehave or are smart mouthing he tells them off in front of the other child . he then informs me that when he disciplines the other child he does it away from us so as i see it he sees them get into trouble but they dont see him get into trouble which is making the other 4 kids start to resent their father im at my wits end . we dont get support from my family as they live interstate and his parents dont want him either or even want to help out by taking him for over nighters so we get a break his mum said he is to high maintence and that makes me angry as he is her paternal grandchild he is nothing to me but expects to do it please can some help me as i dont want to break up my family because of one . thanks By at my wits end



Anonymous's picture
Anonymous

Hi Becca,

That sounds like an awful situation! I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you really need to talk to your partner more, and maybe get an outside counselor that you can both talk to and help him see what this is doing to the family. Have you ever tried leaving all the kids with your partner? Maybe he doesn't really understand what is going on because he is not around it as much as you. Best wishes!

Meghan

Becca's picture
Becca

Thankyou megan for your reply!! Yes i have left all children with him on numerous occasions and he still cant see . i think he has his head in the sand ??? I have also taken the 4 kids on weekend away and the other one i dont like has been happy we arent their he wants this to happen he has already told his father it is me or them which is telling his father to make a choice adn all i get is he is only 9. well if he is only 9 he shouldnt be putting his father in that sort of position. have spoken about couciling father refuses to see anything wrong with him. i have been seeing one and so have the other 4 kids and it has helped us ignore him and get on with what we have to do day by day. she also suggested removing him due to the violence and threats towards my youngest who is only 8 i am still stuck as to waht to do i dont want to leave and dont want the children hurt due to us leaving their father but cant live like this either ...... at the end of the road .....

debbie whitelock's picture
debbie whitelock

Hi

Iam sorry to hear that you and your four children are going thourgth such hell and that you are not getting the support that you and the kids need.  I think that your husband is ignoring the behaviour that the child is showing because i think that he feels guilty about the fact that the children were taken and neglected by their birth mother and as that child was the favourite with his mum then he feels that as he got what he wanted with her he should now be getting everything off your husband and by you and your kids and his siblings are not around then he will have dad to himself.  He needs to accept that his child needs outside help to deal with the traumas that he has seen and your partner needs to accept that.Is the kid behaviour the same in school as it is at home? If so does he not belive the school either! I hope this is of some help

Debbie

Becca's picture
Becca

Hi Debbie thankyou for your reply, yes it happens at school and i work at the school so not only get it at home i have to deal with at my work place my partner refuses to see what is happening and even though the child and his 2 siblings have lived with and their mother for past 7 yrs he wont even listen to them and the daughter is 12  my partner hasnt seen this child since he was 18mths old and only had him with us for 10 months i cant understand why he cant listen to his daughter as she has grown up with the child . i dont see anyway out but to leave and take my 2 children as i he is so stubborn he would the other 2 kids live with it knowing they dont want to and it will break my son and daughters heart to be pulled away from the only dad theyve known and heartbreaking they have grown a bond with their step brother and sister and to be torn away from them to plus since the kids have lived with us they havent had much time with their father as he works 14 hrs day 6 days a week they have grown to love me and still comment on the fact they dont know him . im am a mess and which ever way i go some one will get hurt .

BobMeadows's picture
BobMeadows

Becca,

If your partner will not pay attention and is in a state of denial, one approach is to use the "movies are worth a thousand words" concept and set cameras and sound recorders up to capture the kid's bad behavior. After you have a accumulate a library (you will need a few to make the point, get alone with your partner and make him watch and listen. If he refuses, or after watching he is not willing to actively address the problem, you are left with a decision: leave or stay. You must take action now... time is your enemy.

By the way, don't tell the other kids about the cameras or the recorders, it will not help. You may need to go to a surveillance professional to do this correctly, and it will have a cost attached, but, you need to do it... now.

Best of luck!

DaMoKi Bob

rambaby's picture
rambaby

Becca, this is awful. I think you should try to leave that one child with your partner for a day. Then, get a counseler is this does not sove it. Good Luck!

With Love, RamBaby