5Pickles's picture
5Pickles

What kid of parent are you?

Do we have any parents out their that just expect their little kids, ages 5 and up, to do what they tell them.  I just don't buy into all this reward style parenting.  Sure give them praise, make your expectations realistic but I am conern about parenting turning into a game.  Sometimes doing it because I said so should be enough.  My goal is for them to internalize my value system and to see rules as their friend, as they keep them safe.  I explain why they should follow the roles not only in our house but how it will impact them in life.  I just get the feeling that some folks think everything should be done on a positve note.  Well lets face it life doesn't work that way in the real world.  Aren't we setting our kids up for failure?  My mom listened to my every word and ussually gave in to me.  This tought me how to manipulate and expect life on my terms.  I am not going to raise my kids this way.  Just as much as my kids are testing me I need to be testing them, and pushing them to be more in control of their own behavior.  If I am always taking temptation out of their way, sure they won't get in trouble but they won't have learned how to say no to themselves.  I am choosing to do the hard parenting now when they are little and still think I hung the stars and the moon so hopefully when they are teens my values will be theirs.  This means we have rules if broken they get in trouble.  If I say no that is end of story.  If they disobey they get a spanking, time out or loss of privledges and if they lie they get a BIG spanking.  I would like to know why you have choosen to abandon or stick with old school parenting. 



BobMeadows's picture
BobMeadows

It sounds to me you have a good heart filled with good intentions. The problem is traveling the good intention highway the wrong direction will not get you or your kids to the desired destination. You seem to be following the "what ever works is what I think works" program. I believe children learn values from logical and natural consequences. Many parents wrongly believe simply telling a child something is enough, and even if it was, the only thing accomplished thereby is to create obedient, yet, unimaginative adults who are not motivated to take risks and consequently never really win. The purpose of parenting is to ensure your children cultivate behaviors and attitudes which will serve them as adults... after they leave mommy and daddy behind. This is a great thing and should be every parents goal. Making them mirror images of you is to deny them the gift of individually and uniqueness.

 

By the way... regarding spanking... please read the comments in this site on 'Spanking'. It serves no positive purpose and there are many alternatives for both you and your children.

I wish your family the best!

 

Debi79Camaro's picture
Debi79Camaro

IF a child is told "NO", had the situation explained (if they are old enough to understand), had time-out, etc. AND the behavior still continues a GENTLE swat does not hurt.  And, it does deter the behavior.  A gentle swat also does not breed an abuser..........etc.  Our society now faces a lot of problems because parents didn't parent.  I do not condone beating a child, but an occasional swat is for the best.  For the best for the family, relatives, and the rest of society.

BobMeadows's picture
BobMeadows

5Pickles,

After re-reading your post, I had another thought...

If you are in fact open to different thoughts on parenting, and I presume you are or you wouldn't have posted anything, unless you just want people who agree with you to respond: your call.

If you are in fact interested in another approach, pick up a book by Cline and Fay, titled "Parenting with Love and Logic". I don't know is it is still in print, if not, it should be. It is not about praising and expectations, it is about, among other things, logical and natural consequences. And, it is not a Game! I don't agree with them 100 percent, but I think it is the best overall approach.

You said your children get a BIG spanking for telling a lie. Please stop that! It teaches most children to tell better lies, avoid getting caught, big can hit little if big doesn't like what little did or said, and of course the technique of discipline to use on their children: you are their role model. You also said your mother caved all the time to you. Have you given any thought about your reaction, are you overreacting? Forget about your mothers methods.

Many parents believe telling a child once is enough. Have you ever said, "I told you not to do that didn't I?" Or, any number of similar "I told you, why did you not learn?" questions. The problem is kids don't listen as much as they look, so they tend to do what you do more than what you say, and for learning their own lessons, they tend to learn best through the cycle of "attempt / fail / correct", so, your comment about setting them up for failure should get a qualified 'yes'. 

I don't want to give them impossible tasks, but if you think about how you learn almost anything - language, piano, riding a bike, proper behavior, good choices, values - we tend to make mistakes (fail) along the way and the consequence of those failures allow kids to internalize lesson and make better attempts the next time, with their parents guidance.

There is no 'old school' or 'new school' when it is your kid's future, it is just now and you don't get a second shot at it, so make sure you do it right the first time...read the book.. I think you will like what it has to say.

DaMoKi Bob