elle-l's picture
elle-l

Spoiled! 7 year old!

My fiance's son is 7 years old and SPOILED ROTTEN!!

Not by us though!! by his mother!!

His mother...

- has not held a job longer than a couple months... since Bry*(names changed) was born!!!...oh... and her income... my fiances child support

- doesn't feed him well (KD & cab rides to McDonalds constitute as a regular 'real meal') which results in fits and hungry tummy's at our house...

- has a toy, or present waiting for him every other Sunday when he gets home from our house

-etc. (the list is impossibly long) this is only the tip of the iceburg

ANYWAYS... the kids expects EVERYTHING!!!

How can we really reinforce the value of a dollar... when his mother spoils him to death!! and there is no reasoning with her, so we dont even bother trying. She's brain dead!!!

He's done the Chore thing... and when he spends his allownace money, he puts up a fit when he only gets petty change in return for his bills. Eventually he just stopped doing them and wont even do it for money... He even wants to be given allowance money for brushing his teeth!!! (which need $1500 worth of work thanks to his moms lack of discipline)

And jsut now at Christmas... he was rude and ripped through even his AWESOME gifts, and tossed them aside and ripped through more.. he even tossed all the cool presents the way any kid would toss new clothes! He says thank you, when reminded, with a snarly childish voice, but thats about it.

Its so frustrating, that I came to work to get away for a bit! My fiance is about to lose his mind too, we cant figure out how to change things... any suggestions????



junieg's picture
junieg

He is seven and being passed around like a parcel from his home to yours. What do you expect. Of course he is going to have lots of issues to contend with. I don't know how much of previous threads you have read but there are a lot which deal with step children. You are not even a step parent yet, only the fiancee so the issues need to be dealt with in the first instance by his mother and father. We are only getting one side of the story here and it would be interesting to hear another perspective. Perhaps your fiancee could support his ex in making some changes or they could attend counselling together for the sake of the child. The little boy is the most important factor here, and perhaps you need to back out a little.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

If this child is living in such an unhealthy environment, both psychically and emotionally, what steps are being taken by his father to begin making changes for his son? Has Dad given thought to hiring an attorney and bringing these issues to the courts attention? If your description of the mother is accurate, she will not change any time soon. The only way for Dad to help his son turn in to the young man he wants him to be, is to spend more time with him. I do not know if there is advice out there that will be helpful in turning this kid around. Every other weekend is not enough time for his father to be able to instill the values he wants his son to have, it has not worked so far. That being said, as parents, our first responsibility is to our children. When it comes to what our children want, we have discretion. When it comes to what our children need, it is up to us to exhaust every possibility. Discomfort is not an issue when trying to help our children be it financial or emotional. Unless Dad is willing to exhaust every possibility to begin to effect change in his son’s life, this situation will remain as it is.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Edmund Burke
Since the father is well aware of his son’s situation he has two choices. He can either fight for his son, or he can do nothing and remain an accomplice.

elle-l's picture
elle-l

His father wants to do everything he can to make sure his son is always healthy and happy.

Much has been done to bring issues to the courts attention, but you know the system... It would be more harmful at age 7 to take him from his mother and put him in a better environment, than just leave him where he is.
Unfortunatly the way his mother is, although not the healthiest, is much better than ALOT of single mom's out there. I can recognize that much!!!

As well.. His mom fired three lawyers, and 2 chose not to represent her when she would continuously lie to them, her story was always changing, she always wants to make his Dad seem like the bad guy when that's never the case. This resulted in huge legal fees that Dad is still working to pay off, in the mean time nothing can be done until the lawyer is paid off.

She badmouths, and swears about his Dad in front of him, one thing Dad makes sure he never does about Mom.

She got a job about 3 months ago, and when Dad offered to take Bry after school and bring him home to her after dinner, Instead of going splits on childcare she decided to quit her job, to avoid allowing Dad any extra time with Bry, who would give anything for time with Dad.

I know this is going off topic from my original message, In a way I guess I want to understand more clearly why he's acting the way he does.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation w/ your fiance's son. It's almost impossible to expect this child to behave the way you want him to, when his mother is giving in to him every chance she gets. Unfortunately, this boy isn't learning anything. He's only learning that by acting out, he gets what he wants. Unless you are all on the same page, nothing will ever change. If you and your fiance and this boy's mom can't all work together, then you have to make the best w/ what you have. Enforce certain rules in your house and stick to them. Your fiance shld be the primary disciplinarian since this is his son. Your finance needs to explain to his son that he has certain expectations of him and rules that need to be followed. No one shld be disrespected, including this boy.
I'm sure this is a huge adjustment for everyone. Try to be patient, and most of all, give this boy love. That's the greatest gift that no one can ever take away or put a price tag on.
I have a feeling that this child's mom may feel guilty, and that's why she's "buying" her son's love. She hasn't realized, though, that spoiling her son is not going to better the situation. Hopefully, in time, this mom will see that love does not come from material things. It comes from inside. This boy needs quality time and attention from his parents, nothing else. He needs reassurance that everything will be ok, even though it's a difficult time right now. He needs to feel secure and comfortable that his parents will still be there for him no matter what. This is where the focus shld be. Don't focus on who's right and who's wrong. Just be there. Plain and simple. I wish you all the best.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

It's hard when everyone's not on the same page and being consistent. If your fiance and his ex can't work together, then he and you have to make the best of the situation. Set your own rules. Have your fiance explain to his son that when he is in your house, he must follow your rules. Try seting good examples for him. Spend quality time w/ this boy w/out going out of your way to "spoil" him. He's just a kid, and he's going to learn from your examples. I'm sure what this boy wants more than anything is to feel secure and loved. Try not to focus on all the negative aspects of the relationship. Instead, focus on how you're going to better it. There are many things you can all do together that will comfort this boy, and I'm sure change his attitude for the better. Above all, though, give this boy time to adjust to the situation. Having his parents apart, and being tossed from one parent to the next, especially w/ no consistency and harsh feelings between them, must make things very difficult and confusing for him. Hopefully in time he will come around. Good luck.

tamz's picture
tamz

Your bf should be spending lots of time with his little boy. 7 years old is such a great time to teach him responsibility. The "chore thing" never stops; he should have responsibilites of his own. At 7 he is old enough to take out the trash and keep his room clean. Your bf should expect it daily and he should encourge his son and reward him.

The only way to change this little boy's behavior is to teach him. slow him down, expect more and he will give more. You still have a chance, he's just a little guy, but your bf must be willing to spend time with him and invest in his son.

TEACH him that brushing his teeth is a responsibility not a chore. TEACH him how to show appreciation TEACH him how to eat and take care of his body. He's 7 this is the time when his parents should be constantly teaching him.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Didn't mean to post here twice. Somehow my initial response never posted, but just today I see it's here. Sorry for the mix up.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

SnglDad is right that it can be worth going through every possibility.

Just be prepared for any change, if it occurs, to take years.

My first stepmom experience ended very badly after years of taking the ex to court and many thousands of dollars of debt. Every time we would have success with one set of negative issues, another would crop up, worse than the last. It was mentally and physically exhausting for the children and us, ending in heartbreak for us all and divorce.

The now adult children are all severely damaged and I cannot help but wonder if we had not pushed so hard for the children to have what we, and all the therapists, felt was a better life, there could have been a better outcome for the children.

I am remarried and have a similar situation with my 2 stepsons. My husband and I have made the decision to do what we can in the very limited time the court and his ex let us have the children. It is not optimum but the children do not have to go through the trauma of us all fightiing for what is "right".