Pregnancy
Discussion Title: Spanking
Created by: hbm2007
Created on: Thu, 04/19/2007 - 12:09pm.
Created by: hbm2007
Created on: Thu, 04/19/2007 - 12:09pm.
I'm getting ready to have my first child, and I'm worried about me and my husband's different views of discipline. He believes spanking can be effective if used every once in a while. I'm completely against it! What should we do? Does anyone else discipline their kids with methods other than spanking?
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Replied: 11/1/2007 1:54pm.
While it is true that spanking in itself does not teach anything, pain is something that the mind does pay attention to. I do not rule out spanking as an attention-getting device in cases of physical danger or destruction of property. It is one possible strategy. However, I do rule out spanking as a way of dealing with your own fear, anger, frustration. Spanking and emotion do not go together. If you are going to spank a child, spank before you get angry.
And, if your purpose is to use pain as an attention-getting device, do this experiment. Thump your own forehead, utilizing your thumb to provide resistance, then release your middle finger. It is enough to get your attention. Of course, aim for to upper margin of the forehead, you don't want to hit an eye. It's not as emotionally cathartic as a full-fledged, drag the kid across your lap, wallop the tar out of him, spanking. But, it's not about you, is it?
No-one in my family can remember getting hit, spanked, or even thumped in the last 6 or 7 years. My grown-up kids, when asked about it, say they hated getting thumped. They have all different philosophies about physical punishment.
How do you feel about whacking somebody in the sternum, maybe breaking some ribs? Sounds barbaric, doesn't it? What if the somebody is in cardiac arrest? It all depends on the circumstances, doesn't it.
Replied: 11/1/2007 3:50pm.
I don't think that spanking is good all the time. Once or twice when thier kids are ok. But when they get older, start taking thier toys away if they do things bad like hitting you. Then when they get even older, ground them. It worked on my kids, and they turned out fine.
Replied: 11/16/2007 3:56pm.
I have ADHD and I was spanked on the legs when I was a child. My parents believed that spanking was a last resort. They would warn me first, then send me to the corner for time out and if I strike again, then comes the spanking. My parents never spanked my brother because he never did anything wrong. I have two boys, one ADHD which I spanked once in his lifetime but I used more meaningful method and my other son which is ADD, was never spanked. So it all depends on the child's character. I am all for time out, removing favorite toys or activities for a few minutes.
don'tgiveup
Replied: 11/18/2007 12:17pm.
We are our children's first and most important role models, and they learn so much from us. That is why spanking is so wrong. Spanking our children just teaches them that the way to deal with a problem is to use violence, and where is the borderline between a spanking and child abuse. A very thin line there. If a slap doesn't work, what then. Slap harder? We need to teach them about compromise and negotiation, problem solving and just plain respect for each other. We don't show that by violence. I know it can be hard to explain things to a small child, but at that age and stage, distraction is probably the best way to deal with unwanted behaviour. Take them away from what they are doing wrong and give them something else to do. A simple 'no thank you' said in a no nonsense voice will get their attention.
Replied: 12/9/2007 11:57pm.
Spanking, in the true sense is not abusing or lashing out at your child. Some children don't need a spanking, some do. Spanking should be a last resort or when the offense has happened repeatedly.
Spanking is only to correct a behavior not to take out your anger or annoyance on your child.You NEVER spank a child while you are angry. You might be angry about what he did. If so, give yourself a time-out to cool down and then with children 3+:
1. calmly get on his level. Tell him what the offense is and that it's not allowed.
2. Spank him with total control of your motions. The "swat" is only on the bottom. Never other places on the body.
3. Allow him to cry and reflect and then ask him to come to you when he's ready. At that time, ask him to tell you what he did wrong and admit it.
4. Give him affection and let him know that all is well and that you love him but not what he did.
5. Shortly after look for opportunities to praise him.
6. Do not bring it up again.
If you would like more information please email me at:
MissBeth@usa.com
Replied: 1/16/2008 2:12pm.
Every parent is different and every child is different, so there is no one sure-fire solution. But in my opinion, most kids will be better behaved if they at least think there is a possibility they might be spanked if they misbehave.
Replied: 2/10/2008 2:28pm.
I am a retired child psychiatrist who worked with adopted and foster kids and their families. for over 40 years. The biggest problem they all had was the drefences they had established when they unconsciously realized they had been abandoned earlier. Those same psychological defences come to play when the child is abused or neglected. The child does not trust that a nurturing adult will respond to his cries so he turns to himself for comfort. This "survivor" defence" allows the individual to manipulate and control whenever needed. He lacks empathy because he is too focused on his own feelings. Spanking causes many problems for both the child and the spanking parent so it should be vigorously condemned in almost all conditions. . It can be seen as the equivalent of torture for some children. But we have to offer parents a more effective and less troubled discipline so that they can protect and teach their young, their archetypal role. In my website, oneminutescolding.com you can learn about the One Minute Scolding, a simple but sophisticated discipline that is proven effective in almost all children.
"Time-outs" as a discipline has some serious negatives from my perswpectives. It is often successful when other efforts failed but it cannot provide the most important aspect of disicpline. Time-outs do not, in themselves, reinforce the positive side of discipline, bonding. In fact, time-outs could generate anger, sadness, and despair. How does the child understand these feelings? He associates those "bad" feelings with the distancing parent.His mother is now viewed as "bad". Time-out is abandonment, the most primeval of all fears. The child in "time-out" has been abandoned by an angry mama or dad and one aspect of his psyche is enaged in controlling that fear. I doubt very musch that the child in "time-out" is thinking about his mistake he just made. Anger is the most common feeling and i is focu=sed on the parent. However, it does give mom a few minutes of peace and quiet, but at a price.
The issue that I am most concerned about is the epidemic of childhood psychiatric disorders that is now sweeping America. Why is there such a rapid rise in the incidence of autistic spectrum disorder? What are we going to do with the epidemic of childhood obesity, a disorder many categorize as another childhood psychiatric disorder. The epidemic is pretty widespread and I don't hear of anyone talking about it. What do you all think? I would like to continue this discussion with whoever wants to join us. Gerald E Nelson
Replied: 2/10/2008 6:40pm.
I have never liked time out, though I couldn't articulate why. I think spanking should fit the abortion slogan, safe, effective and rare. My own slogan is "If you are going to spank, spank before you get mad." Spanking after you are calmed down is ineffective, spanking while you are mad makes it both ineffective and unsafe.
The technique I developed for Zach (age 2), a day-care client, was that I would contain him on my lap. I want to make sure this is clear, I did not grasp him or crush him or any of that, just scoop him onto my lap and we would sit for a very short while, a "time out" with warmth and attention. He couldn't play with anything and I didn't say much. I would describe his misbehavior. Tell him we don't do that. Then I'd turn him loose. At first sometimes he would try it again, just to see if I was paying attention, or serious. Pretty soon, it was very effective.
Childhood psychiatric disorders and obesity? I wonder about maternal bonding and paternal activity. I wonder if having a traditional catch-playing dad and eat-your-vegetables mom have an effect on both of these phenomenon. I have seen a couple of moms who single-handedly try to fill both of these roles. With varying degrees of success.
In my own experience, I have 2 obese children (of six) and the obese ones, during their pregnancies, I was very depressed myself. Another of my children has had serious psychiatric problems, (no food or obesity issues) and that is the one that was in non-parental care throughout infancy, toddlerhood, and pre-school. These are all children in an intact nuclear family. No magic, I guess.
Replied: 2/12/2008 4:34pm.
Who is to set the borderline between spanking and child abuse?
Replied: 2/12/2008 9:42pm.
I am 14 when I was younger if I said a bad word, I ended up sucking on the soap bar. If I did do something really bad or dangerous I would get a spanking. I was never spanked more than my age. It worked, I rarely did those things again. My cousins ages 14, 12?, 9, and 7, were always in the house where the worst that they got was corner time. They are all wild monsters. My mom doesn't let them come to our house. The thing is that they behave fine at my Grandma's house where they are disciplined. It all depends on the situation, but if parents don't give clear boundaries, and stick to them, you end up having to call supernanny.