cday120's picture
cday120

My ex-wife keeps undermining me

I believe I'm a fair father. I don't ask my 2 sons 11 and 12 yrs old to do anything they cannot handle, but when they misbehave or lose their sense of responsibility I end up having to raise my voice. Last school yr, I accidentally found out the my 11 yr old missed 3 reports. Since the day I found out I was on him about doing the missed assignments. I guess my ex-wife got word from the teacher that he already received a zero so my ex tells my sons he doesn't have to do the assignments. My point was that I have him do the reports and have him understand the importance of completing his work, BUt she says" Damian you don't have to do it."

Another one is that the boys don't like it when i raise my voice and I only do it after i've told them several times of what was needed to be done or to stop what they were doing. I am guessing that she told them "if your father yells at you then call me and i will come pick you up."

I love being with my children, every minute I have with them I cherish. The problem is she does not respect my privacy. I've tried to explain that I have different rules at my place from her place, but she makes everything worse than what it is.

What can I do?   Someone please give me some advise. She is making me look like the bad guy



lanie's picture
lanie

Just spent the last nineteen minutes replying to you and the site zapped my wonderful answer! And you think you have problems!!!! Lanie

lois smith's picture
lois smith

plan a time when you and your ex can talk about the rules you both have and come to some kind of agreement on how to handle the kids with the rules. try to compromise. try to respect each other, even though you are not together.

debonairone's picture
debonairone

Unfortunately, there is little that can be done to keep an ex from undermining you... All that you can do is open the door to communication and as someone else already stated, talk about the rules in both homes and have a common set of rules for parents....  Children will pit one parent against the other in order to obtain what they want.  We all know that most children will travel the path of least resistance...  You and the ex, must come to an agreement that will not allow that to happen...  If you are asked for something, a common response could/should be - "I'll discuss it with your mom." and vice-versa; however, if you two cannot get to that point, then I am afraid that you will have to talk to your boys on a different level...  You have to get them to trust you implicitly to still do the homework, even when mom says it doesn't have to be done...  Your rules are enforceable only in your home, so if they don't do the homework that is past due, what things can you prohibit at your home to stress the responsibility of completing tasks on time... What examples can you demonstrate that will drive that point home...  Hmmmm... howzabout not taking them to that game this weekend, because you didn't complete the task of picking up the tickets... You didn't think that was important... And then talk to them about it... Ask how they feel...?

 

I'm not the best at this advice thing, but my ex and I have been at this game a long time and finally have common rules and expectations for our children... Is it easy?  Not at all, but we have focused on what is really important... Productive, educated and morally responsible children...