lulu109's picture

mom ready to lose her mind

I have an 11 yr old boy I adopted with my husband when he was 3yrs. old. He is a very smart boy who's grades are dropping this yr because he is lazy and does not complete the work. I have several other issues with him. He can be the sweetest, funniest boy when he wants to be, but he also is sneeky can't be trusted, he is constantly lying , has no concern about keeping his room clean and his hygiene is a constant battle. He also very distant and cold at times. He does not show much love to my parents or other family members. He also likes to talk back and snap at us when spoken to. He has been given consequences for periods of time no tv , video games etc. It does not seem to bother him? I need advise I have used the techniques I use with my clients, but it does not seem to work. I'm worried he is turning out like his biological mom constantly lied,got in alot of trouble with the law she did not care about rules. He has not seen her since he was 2 but I'm fearing that his behavior comes from biological not enviornmental. I love this boy dearly , but I'm scared he is entering his tweens that thing will get worse. Please give me any advise to get him on the RIGHT TRACK !

acitez's picture

Your boy sounds pretty normal for an eleven year old. May I suggest you get him involved in Boy Scouts? As I was reading your post, the Scout Law came to mind. A Scout is Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean and Reverent. It sounds like those are all things you want your boy to develop. I think those things are in the Scout Law because most boys this age are trying different ways of being men, and we went our men to be men of good character. I'd make home a fun and loving place, with reasonable expectations of good behavior, consequences for rebellion, and I'd increase genuine praise. Not ever "you're a good kid." but something like "You always get (or often get) (or today you got) out the door on time for school." It has to be truthful and specific.

The behavior you give attention to is the behavior that increases. You know that. You're an OT.

Only2boys's picture

Alot of these behaviors sound like ones my son demonstrates. Does your son show eye contact? Is he gifted in the verbal areas, but struggle socially? Is he rigid and disorganized? If these are things you are saying yes to I'd do some research on Nonverbal Learning Disorder/Autism. My son has NLD and also ADHD. Just something to rule out. I am an educator and had never heard of NLD until my son was diagnosed with it. It is an invisible disorder and very challenging to deal with.

Talk to your son's doctor about what your experiencing with your son for advice and to rule out things.

Good luck to you.

lilmissmummy's picture

my brother (now 19 years) was the exact same growing up always telling lies being sneeky missing lessons hiding his homework hygiene was also a problem as you described my brother was to an extent where my mum would have to stand outside the bathroom to check he was getting washed he used to go in run the tap and wet his tooth brush so it looked like hed had a wash my mum in the end gave him his own space, gave him trust and tried allowing him to make his own disisions to an extend so he felt he was in control of his own life she explained that she would only give him this trust etc once if he broke it he wouldnt get it back she sat down with him and discussed what rules did he think should be in place and why and then made him aware of the consequences if he broke the rules deciding this mutually between them and then sticking to it. it seemed to work and he is doing quite well for himself now days maybe its just a phase that boys go through.