Pregnancy
Discussion Title: I need advice on how to cope with the anger
Created by: MOMX4GIRLS
Created on: Thu, 11/06/2008 - 11:13am.
Created by: MOMX4GIRLS
Created on: Thu, 11/06/2008 - 11:13am.
My 10 year old daughter is the oldest of my 4 children She has always been moody-- In the last 3 years she has become more aggressive and so angry that she scares me. <?xml:namespace prefix =" o" ns =" "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
She doesn’t ever want to take no for an answer and, will try to pull me into a control battle when she is being disciplined. Sometimes it works and it has become TOTALLY out of control. There is no way to speak to her when she is in this "zone".
She has complete tantrums about whatever is her problem at that moment wither it be what she is going to wear to school, her chores, her attitude with others, homework, her sisters--- Basically she can't accept that 'no' means 'no', constantly answers back when I say something she doesn't want to hear, she demands your 100% attention or things spiral out of control, and she gets so angry that she cannot calm down.
We are temporally staying at my parent’s home and have been here for 3 months, and the tantrums are not happening daily but are getting worse when they do happen. She responds well to my mother and is very close to her; they sleep in the same bed and do almost everything together. My mother will talk her out of her tantrums most of the time; I however approach it differently, and am far more strict and intolerant. She will show complete and utter disrespect for me, screaming crying basically freaking out, and now it’s turning violent. She's very argumentative with me, my husband and her 3 younger sisters and sometimes with her grandparents; she just generally just lacks respect with her family.
This morning she became 'out of control' because I asked her not to shout at me, she immediately began arguing and called me a ‘stupid idiot’. I ordered her to get dressed for school but she responded by saying 'no'...'what are you going to do about it?' and so on. So I calmly moved her into her room which she automatically responded by hitting, kicking and pushing me. I maintained my position and told her to stay in her room all the time trying to remain calm and consistent. But when My husband came in saw her slap me across my face and spanked her…which just caused her to freak out and scream more, she was holding to me desperate for me to stay in the room, moments earlier telling me she hated me. All of the drama began about getting dressed. She wants everyone to do everything for her, but ONLYon her terms.
I have tried to take a step back since coming to my parents to home because the only person she seems to respond to without constant anger and outbursts is my mother. But that has seemed to backfire and is just another mistake. You see When, my parents aren’t around to give her all the attention she demands peacefully, she will do ANYTHING she can to become the center with drama and anger and tears. It is a Rollercoaster, I have been on medications for Bi polar depression anxiety etc most of my adult life, and have some simplify for the waves, but the doctors all say she is fine, I think because she isn’t honest when I have taken her to the GP to get her evaluated to see a therapist. She acts like this at home only and acts mortified to have any know about the episodes, and will always say it wasn’t her fault.
I called this morning and made an appointment with a therapist, but appointment is a month away. Every second of my time with this is filled with her screaming, and total lack of control. The school is Not having any problems with her. It is just aimed at her family, What can I do???!!??
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Replied: 11/6/2008 4:43pm.
Did I miss a diagnosis? You are speaking from the perspective of the child being diagnosed with something. do not recall reading that the child was diagnosed with any mental issues. I stick with my advice.
Replied: 11/6/2008 4:59pm.
Issue was the word used.
Replied: 11/6/2008 6:15pm.
Ironically, despite all the assumptions that I am advocating pharmaceucaticals I have in fact recovered my son from severe autism using all natural means. Diet and nutrition are huge factors when treating any mental illness diagnosed or otherwise. Even children who present with severe behaviour problems will benefit from elliminating sugar, white flour, food additives, food colourings, eating a whole foods diet. The rule is if you can't pick it, pluck it, grow it, or shoot it don't eat it because it's not real food.
I spent two years in the kitchen cooking five hours a day so that I could provide nutritious meals for my son that would allow his gut to heal and rid his body of a massive overgrowth of unfriendly bacteria. An overgrowth of yeast in women can mimic bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety etc. Anything happening in the gut will have a direct affect neurologically. A simple round of antibiotics can cause a yeast overgrowth no matter the age or gender. Those who are predisposed to mental illness through a parent are more susceptable to yeast overgrowth "candida".
Other natural means of coping with anger and rage are massage, chiropractic, reflexology, homeopathics ie. a great one is called rescue remedy I think everyone should have this as part of thier first aid kit, accupuncture or accupressure (no needles) ie. check out N.A.E.T. stands for Nambudripad's Allergy Ellimination Technique useful for balancing and releasing blocked emotions as well as elliminating allergies permanently, Reiki, Body Talk, Chranial Sachral Massage.
All of these methods of treatment are completely pharmeceuticals free but may be administered in conjunction without any adverse side effects.
Supplements such as essential fatty acids can help to stabilize one's mood. Call your local health food store or several and see if they suggest anything in common. There is always a natural alternative.
Now in saying this I hope to put to rest that I am ignorant of the natural realm of treatment. There is however the reality that one may not be blessed with the financial means to resource these alternatives to western medicine.
Finally I will add that 20 years ago, maybe not even that long ago it was considered by "specialists" that autism was caused by bad parenting. They called it the "refrigerator mom syndrome". This of course is ignorant and archaic. Don't ever let anyone try to make you feel like you are to blame because you are a bad parent. If you were a bad parent you woudn't care so much which you clearly do.
If you would like any details on the above listed treatments just let me know. I am proud of my son and my efforts to help him but I couldn't have done it alone.
Replied: 11/6/2008 6:44pm.
There is no one solution to these very difficlt issues. Therapy can be helpful for the child and the family. But, spanking a child who has serious issues as reported by her mother on here, is NOT part of the solution. It will cause more serious issues and the child will become even more out of control. All 3 of my ex-stepdaughters were bipolar (which manifested at puberty), spanked and severely punished by their mother and stepfather frequently, became much worse and are STILL a mess at 31,29 and 27. So, sorry SnglDad, that is BAD advice.
Yes "issues" was the word used, which you then related to your three stepdaughters who were all bipolar. You opposed corporal punishment in children with bipolar. In your post Issues = Bipolar. Or would you care to spin it again?
Replied: 11/6/2008 9:01pm.
"All 3 of my ex-stepdaughters were bipolar (which manifested at puberty), spanked and severely punished by their mother and stepfather frequently, became much worse and are STILL a mess at 31,29 and 27. So, sorry SnglDad, that is BAD advice."
SnglDad did not advocate what you report. It's like the difference between wine with dinner and alcoholism.
as tired as you get of the mental illness/bad parenting aspersion, I get tired of the "any corporal punishment"/abuse aspersion.
But, if she has been seen by professionals and they do not diagnose a mental illness, then you do just have to improve your parenting skills. The natural healing approaches that others have advocated are certainly worth a try. This has been getting worse for three years?
My daughter attempted suicide at age 11 (how's that for self-revelation SnglDad?). She was medicated with wellbutrin, but it just changed her straight-forward depression to a bipolar situation which went away when I discontinued the medication (after seeking advice from a pharmacist, who said that there were NO STUDIES on wellbutrin in pediatric cases at that time--scary, huh). We found a therapist who helped, though it took him a while to figure out what exactly we needed. Once he did, we had two, count them TWO therapy sessions and we were done. Really!
Hang on.
Hang in there.
And when SnglDad is around, hang tough! He has some good insights. He's probably right as often as most of us, and he doesn't pussyfoot around. (I wonder if that will be (filtered word)foot around?)
Replied: 11/6/2008 8:53pm.
I oppose spanking for any child under any circumstances. I have said this in many posts since coming on this site.
You have strayed from the subject and the serious problem that started this post.
This woman, her child, and her family are in pain because of whatever it is that is going on with her child. I merely gave my opinion that suggesting corporal punishment is bad advice.
We all have the right to our own opinion.
Let's get back to trying to help this family in this very difficult situation.
Replied: 11/6/2008 9:05pm.
That gail person opposes making step families for any child at any time. We are all entitled to our own opinion.
Replied: 11/6/2008 9:47pm.
sorry, my connection went all wonky, And the suggestion to be wary of medicating is both useful and caring. This thread is all out of order!
I wonder if the three generations under one roof is really a good idea here. Especially a teenager sharing a bed with Grandma, with or without Grandpa also in the picture. And the way you have to second-guess yourself, and Grandma probably unwittingly undermining the parental role.
Replied: 11/6/2008 9:12pm.
I agree with 2xstepmom. This family is in pain. They are looking for help, not critisizm or squabbling. Does anyone else have any useful and caring suggestions?
Replied: 11/7/2008 12:30am.
This has gotten petty and rediculous. How about everyone tuck there egos away. There are a lot of people out there in a lot of pain. We may do well to remember this before we start reacting to what people have posted instead of thoughtfully responding.
I suggest acitez and singledad go back to my first posting wherein there was absolutely no suggestion to take pharmaceuticals. It was actually singledad who first mentioned pharmaceuticals in his mistaken view that I was a narrow minded drug pusher.