MOMX4GIRLS's picture
MOMX4GIRLS

I need advice on how to cope with the anger

My 10 year old daughter is the oldest  of my 4 children  She has always been moody-- In the last 3 years she has become more aggressive and so angry that she scares me.   <?xml:namespace prefix =" o" ns =" "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

She doesn’t ever want to take no for an answer and, will try to pull me into a control battle when she is being disciplined. Sometimes it works and it has become TOTALLY out of control.  There is no way to speak to her when she is in this "zone". 

 She has complete tantrums about whatever is her problem at that moment  wither it be what she is going to wear to school, her chores, her attitude with others, homework, her sisters--- Basically she can't accept that 'no' means 'no', constantly answers back when I say something she doesn't want to hear, she demands your 100% attention or things spiral out of control, and she gets so angry that she cannot calm down. 

We are temporally staying at my parent’s home and have been here for 3 months, and the tantrums are not happening daily but are getting worse when they do happen.  She responds well to my mother and is very close to her; they sleep in the same bed and do almost everything together.  My mother will talk her out of her tantrums most of the time; I however approach it differently, and am far more strict and intolerant.  She will show complete and utter disrespect for me, screaming crying basically freaking out, and now it’s turning violent.  She's very argumentative with me, my husband and her 3 younger sisters and sometimes with her grandparents; she just generally just lacks respect with her family.

This morning she became 'out of control' because I asked her not to shout at me, she immediately began arguing and called me a ‘stupid idiot’. I ordered her to get dressed for school but she responded by saying 'no'...'what are you going to do about it?' and so on.  So I calmly moved her into her room which she automatically responded by hitting, kicking and pushing me.  I maintained my position and told her to stay in her room all the time trying to remain calm and consistent. But when My husband came in saw her slap me across my face and spanked her…which just caused her to freak out and scream more, she was holding to me desperate for me to stay in the room, moments earlier telling me she hated me.  All of the drama began about getting dressed.  She wants everyone to do everything for her, but ONLYon her terms.

 I have tried to take a step back since coming to my parents to home because the only person she seems to respond to without constant anger and outbursts is my mother.  But that has seemed to backfire and is just another mistake.  You see When, my parents aren’t around to give her all the attention she demands peacefully, she will do ANYTHING  she can to become the center with drama and anger and tears.  It is a Rollercoaster, I have been on medications for Bi polar depression anxiety etc most of my adult life, and have some simplify for the waves, but the doctors all say she is fine,  I think because she isn’t honest when I have taken her to the GP to get her evaluated to see a therapist.  She acts like this at home only and acts mortified to have any know about the episodes, and will always say it wasn’t her fault.

  I called this morning and made an appointment with a therapist, but appointment is a month away.  Every second of my time with this  is filled with her  screaming, and total lack of control.  The school is Not having any problems with her.   It is just aimed at her family,  What can I do???!!??



acitez's picture
acitez

I read your post, it sounds like you are doing the right things: remaining calm (mostly) insisting on appropriate behavior, picking your battles.
Is there any way that you can have some time to build your relationship? Make a date with her and do something fun, not too intense. Maybe a mall or movie date with her best friend and the best friend's mom, bowling, climbing trees, something SHE would like to do, even if it is with you. Or you and YOUR mom plan something fun, and invite her along, just us "ladies"?

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Your daughter is, and never has been "out of control" in her actions. She is very much in control of herself, and the household. Through her tantrums she has learned to get the attention she wants, and has learned to frustrate your efforts to control her. You and your husband need to work together in overcoming this behavior. Many on here are against spanking, but I am not. When talking fails, I would have no qualms about letting this little girl know that every time she talks back, raises her voice, or even looks as if she is going to strike me, that she will be dealt with in a way she will not like. It's obvious she is very much in control of herself since she does not react this way to her grandparents.

Maybe this is her way of wanting to get attention any way she can. If possible, maybe you and she could spend some free time alone outside of the home, away from familiar people and surroundings. In one on one situations kids are usually easier to deal with.

bipolarmom's picture
bipolarmom

I was the same way at home when I hit puberty. I was pleasant and agreeable around everyone else but at home I knew I could let my guard down and let my true colours show. I was also very moody but at the same time very sensitive. If I felt blamed for anything I would go into a rage because I felt like no one truly understood what I was going through. All the temper tantrums and screaming were my way of saying "there's something wrong, I'm in pain and I don't understand how to ask for help." Granted there were a number of contributing factors like childhood sexual abuse and a mother who was in denial of her own mental illness. I believe now that when I reached puberty that's when the onset of bipolar occured. I believe your suspicions are correct in thinking that your daughter has inherited a chemical imbalance. The sooner she gets help the better. She needs to see your compassion for her. She is your baby girl. Sit down with her and show her baby pictures of herself and tell her how much you love her. Ease her into your concern for her mental health. Pray, if you do, so that you may know the words that will be of comfort to her. Only you as her mother will know the best course you should take with her. My comments are only suggestions. One thing I have learned in advocating for my son is that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Call your doctor back and tell them that if you don't get some help asap that you are going to lose it. Tell them you will call children's aid, that you are going to end up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. Exaggerate, do whatever it takes to get your family the help it needs. Don't feel guilty. We live in a society where the system is set up to fail those who play by the rules. It worked for me. It took two and a half years of fighting but I finally got forty six thousand dollars in funding for my son's therapy when the government was saying that they simply didn't have any more money to give. Never, never, never give up.

bipolarmom's picture
bipolarmom

I would like to repond to your comment about the daughter being in control of her actions. People with mental illness are often manipulative and abusive but that doesn't mean the same thing as being in control of their actions. As I posted, one on one time is very important but if the child is suffering from a chemical imbalance all the spankings in the world are not going to change her behaviour. It will in fact worsen her state because she will feel even more justified that she is alone in her suffering.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Imagine that, someone whose screen name announces their own mental illness suggests that mental illness must be the blame here. Try guidance, and consistency before resorting to drugging your child. I question why someone would announce themselves as being mentally ill, and then tell about being sexually abused in a public forum. I think someone is still crying out for attention. Do not medicate your children simply because you have not found a solution to their behavior. If she is able to control it when she wants to then she is doing this at will. Careful of the snake oil salesman.

acitez's picture
acitez

bipolar mom just lets us know up-front about her experiences that may bias her. That's just being fair. It's not the same as using those experiences to make excuses for herself, which I agree is inappropriate in any forum.

bipolarmom's picture
bipolarmom

Wow, it seems I hit a nerve for someone. We can only share our opinions based on our own experiences. It's what shapes our perceptions of the world around us. I share with this forum that I have been sexually abused and that I am bipolar because it is the truth. There is no shame in either of these statements. I think anyone who has healed enough to be able to share with the public what has happened to them all the power to them. If someone can relate to my experience and it can help them all the better. As a society we should be supporting one another. Not trying to tear each other down. Incidentally the fact that I am bipolar is relevant since the author wrote about her own bipolar diagnoses and her concerns for her daughter's mental health. In the future I will not dignify singledad's remarks with a response. He sounds typically ignorant.

bipolarmom's picture
bipolarmom

momx4girls, I have compassion for you. You have a difficult and sensitive issue with which you are trying to cope. This is a limited forum in which to express oneself adequately. Drugs are not always the answer but as you may know from first hand experience they can help. Personally I believe in an eastern approach to health and healing. Unfortunately insurance rarely covers anything but mainstream western medicine. Therefore do what is best for yourself and your daughter whatever that may be. In the end you are the one who will live with the choice you make. Good Luck :)

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Hit a nerve? Maybe. Call me silly, but I don't believe that ineffective parenting should be partnered with pharmaceuticals as a way of achieving "successful" results. How about you?

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

SnglDad is just trying to get us to see the big picture. Don't take it personally, anyone.

Bipolarmom has a valuable perspective to add to the discussion.

My son is ADHD and we chose not to medicate him. He learned to use the positive aspects of his condition to his advantage and now has a Masters degree in Business and Finance and a great job. His professors and employers respect and admire him. He did not fare so well in elementary school but is appreciative that he was not drugged as many of his classmates were.

My daughter has very severe Social Anxiety Disorder. We did not to medicate her either, Home Schooling her with a small group and allowing her to grow up unmedicated which was her choice. At 18, she decided to go on Paxil, which allows her to function and be comfortable most of the time.

There is no one solution to these very difficlt issues. Therapy can be helpful for the child and the family. But, spanking a child who has serious issues as reported by her mother on here, is NOT part of the solution. It will cause more serious issues and the child will become even more out of control. All 3 of my ex-stepdaughters were bipolar (which manifested at puberty), spanked and severely punished by their mother and stepfather frequently, became much worse and are STILL a mess at 31,29 and 27. So, sorry SnglDad, that is BAD advice.

And, FYI, I have professional credentials and many years of parenting experiance with this and similar issues.