Brenda L's picture
Brenda L

How to discipline my child during a playdate when the kid he's playing with is tattling

Hi, my son does not listen when he's playing rough during play dates. He will be happily building a train or something else with a friend, then all of a sudden get very rough and start wrecking the tracks and when asked by the other child to stop, he won't.

 

It's very hard to get my son to focus on one task, but with alot of effort, we can eventually get him to engage in something else. It is said that he may be adhd but it's still very early stages

 

This one friend my son has tattles on his every move. With using a reward chart, our son has slowly started doing alot better with behaviour during play dates, etc.. he's still needing refocusing when he gets impulsive. We are working very hard with him.. this new friend seems to make it impossible for our son to progress, because there is always a set back when he's here.. he knows what things make our son agitated, so when he's acting up, I will try to get him to stop or his friend will leave, and in the middle of it, the friend will be continuing to say things or ask things that he knows makes our son act up.

 

So, in between trying to discipline my child, I also have a tattler who seems to keep getting his way, because I always feel like because he's our guest, he should get this or that. It goes unnoticed with the dad whose always telling me how great my son is doing and how far he's come, so during that, I'm seeing how manipulative his son is being, but he fails to see it, because he's so busy trying to make me feel better about things with my son.

 

The friend I feel is seeking attention who makes up things to get us to come running to his rescue. I'm seeing this pattern alot. He cannot just play with my son for 5 minutes without trying to make him mad. even when he's not finding things wrong, the tiniest thing will set him off and he will run and tell us my son is scaring him...

 

I'm at a loss at what to do. Because I know my son is impulsive and makes quick moves and sometimes destroys things that have been built (will be more understood if he gets the adhd diagnosis), but other times he does really well... why do kids only focus on the negative? can't they see the good in each other? why is this friend only playing on my son's weaknesses? why do kids do this? and my biggest question is : at this time while we're trying to help our son, is this a healthy friend to have right now?



acitez's picture
acitez

You know this one, but it is really hard to say that your kids can't play together because then you seem like you are just being mean. I think it would be OK to stop having playdates with this child. Just don't make play dates with him. If his parents notice, and ask, you can say something like, "We are working on some behavior issues with Junior, and we are limiting his play dates until he gets those behaviors under control."

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I agree w/ acitez. I wouldn't necessarily limit your son's playdates b/c you want him to learn how to socialize appropriately. Maybe, though, you cld encourage him to play w/ other children who you feel wld be a better match for your child. ADHD or no ADHD, all children have conflicts, and not all children click. We've had similar problems w/ our son during playdates, and many times it's not the kids that are the problem, it's the parents. How you handle the situation and being on the same page w/ other parents is important too. Don't discourage playdates. Just find the right matches for your son and for yourself. Also, we've found that the best playdates are the ones that are not structured. You can't expect the kids to play a board game or do a craft if they don't want to. Let them play outside or at the park where they have room to run and get out energy w/out the pressures of playing by the rules of a game. Let them be creative and make up their own games. It's more fun that way. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Brenda L's picture
Brenda L

Thank you for your input!!

We haven't matched up times to have a playdate for quite some time now.

My son's teacher is seeing alot of behaviour's in our son that resemble's a child with Asperger's syndrome.. he's very academic and she has no concerns that way, but socially he's really lacking.... I don't think a friend of the same age will understand this, but it really helps to know that when we get a proper diagnosis, we will understand what is going on.

In the meantime, I think we will keep playdates unstructured. I completely agree with that.. girls are different but with boys, it's hard to control them to one thing while playing in a small space (ie. a playroom). And by unstructured, I mean not having them at our house, but at the park or even just going to a movie with a friend. he does really good in movie theatre's now.

Thank you for your help!