karen74's picture
karen74

hitting,pinching, ussing nails

need help, i have a 4yr old,who hit me, kicks, pinches and digs nails in. this seems to happen the most when he doesnt get his way. I first gave option till that no longer worked, now i do time out everytime, then a talk after. but it still continuing and getting to the point he doing it and leaving bruses, and sometime after time out he does it again , back to time out. I am trying to find something that will work, I miss my good child, nothing changed in the house, and i spend lots of time with him. so any ideas be greatly welcomed



mayamay's picture
mayamay

Teach him to play "Let's make a deal." Start at the very next snack time. Here's the rules.

First, explain that sometimes you can make a deal, and sometimes you can't. You can usually make a deal about what to play, what to eat, what to wear. You CAN'T make a deal about anything that is dangerous or breaks things. You can't make a deal that will make Mom or Dad late for work. (There may be other things that are not negotiable.) When you make a deal, you have to offer to do something I want and ask for what you want.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Tell him that either one of you can say "Let's make a deal." Then bring out something he doesn't like much (tomato slices, maybe?) and say, "This is the snack this morning. Remember, if you don't want it you can say 'let's make a deal.' The thing about making a deal, you have to trade something, too. Tell me what snack you would rather have AND tell me what you will do for me."

Be prepared in advance with some apples and peanut butter--have them out on the counter where he can see them. If he asks for something else, like ice cream, and makes a really generous offer which he can do immediately, GO with it. Talk about how and when and what each of you will do as part of your bargain. Conclude the deal, whatever it is, with a handshake. Then he starts to meet his end of the bargain, and you start to meet your end.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

If he offers to do something he is supposed to do anyway, take him up on it. If he's supposed to tidy his room, then accept, and go in and support him as he tidies up. You can sit and brainstorm things with him that he can offer as his part of the deal. Write down the list, and add to it. Be sure to accept things that you can do together. If he offers playing catch or checkers, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to show that spending time with him is important to you!

All day long, remind him that he can say "Let's make a deal." Then give him lots of opportunities to deal.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Direct him at every opportunity to "Make a deal" before he gets into a tantrum. After about 3 times, point out that when he makes a deal, he might get what he wants, and that when he has a tantrum, he gets a time-out and a lecture. \

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Also, defend yourself! Grab his arms firmly when he starts attacking you. Be more balanced in your concern, try to keep BOTH of you safe from being bruised, but he might get a bruise. I'm not saying you should hurt him, but you must restrain him. He needs you to be stronger than he is. He doesn't feel safe, because the person who is supposed to protect him is weaker than he is. That's scary.

snnygrl174@hotmail.com's picture
snnygrl174@hotm...

sorry for saying this. I knowsome will comedown on me for it. What would your parents have done? I have two girls a yr apart-sometimes life has to come back to reality-sounds like he needs a crack in the pants.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

If the time-out's and lectures don’t seem to be working, you have to be ready to take the next step. When my oldest was still in diapers he would kick his mother when she changed him. I told her several times to lift that leg up and give him a firm pop on the butt and tell him "No kicking", but she couldn’t do it. Finally one day he kicked her in the stomach while she was pregnant with our youngest. I watched her begin to cry from the pain and frustration. I finished changing the diaper, yes he got a pop on the butt, and no, he did not kick again. That was the last kicking problem we had. Snnygrl has the right idea. Personally, I refuse to make deals, give awards for behavior that is expected, or allow a child’s temper to run my household.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Snnygrl and SnglDad each get a yes vote from me.

teachers's picture
teachers
I suggest a paddle to the rear. Be careful of how hard you hit but make it stick. He needs to know his behavior is unacceptable and will result in serious punishment. The two of you seeing a marriage and family therapist, might be a better idea. You need to go together and have at least ten visits on a regular basis.