butterflies0207's picture
butterflies0207

Fed up with daughter and husbands relationship

I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is driving me crazy. He doesn't know how to deal with our 4.5 year old AT ALL! Everytime he asks her to do or not to do something he automatically flies off the handle when she doesn't listen. It irrates and ticks me off how outraged he becomes without even attemping to calmly ask her again and warn her she will be in trouble a second time before losing it. Then he gets mad at me when I won't back up his out burst. He knows how I discipline her and I have no major problems with her . He refuses to follow how she is use to being disciplined. I've completely had it. I know she's angery he doesn't spend more with her. She's usually in bed when he gets home and still asleep when he gets home. His days off are about "him". I really believe its the core of the porblem as far as her. Please help!



gadnynj's picture
gadnynj

Plan a nice dinner out with just your husband, while having dinner tell him that you that you need to talk to him about something  very important to you.  That he does not have to respond right away and that you know that it might make him upset, but that is not your intent. When you start your conversation reasure him that you love him and that you love your family.  Remind him that your daughter is an extention of both of you and that you love yourself and that you expect him to love himself as well, aside from the fact that you both should love each other as well as your daughter.  Tell him that you are concern with the way he communicates with your daughter  and that if he and you will explore  (through reading books on human behavior)?  

One good book I recommend is "How to talk to the people you love".  Another good book is "Toxic Parents".  

Tell him that I know he has a big responsibility supporting the family and that if he has any suggestion as to how you can assist him, you will be glad to attempt it.  Tell him that you understand that he does not always agree with you on how you treat you daughter (I always say, if you don't spoil your children no body will), yet because you love yourself and him and your daughter your intention is to raise her in a loving way.  Also, you spoil him somettimes and yourself as well (if you don't you should).  

Express your fears.  Tell him that you are concern that his reaction to your daughter is what you are addressing at this time and that in the future if he has any concerns or questions (everybody does) that you will appreciated if he discusses them away from your daughter presence and that you believe going out for dinner (both of you together alone - at least once a week) is a great way to discuss and family issues or concerns and a great way to reafirm your  relationship and commitment to each other.  Tell him this is important to you.

If he tries to interupt you kindly tell him to please let you finish.  If you see he is getting upset during the conversation remind him to please not be upset.  (remember to alway reasure a person after you express a concern)

The main thing is for you to remain in control of the conversation until you  express all you have to say, and once you said everything about one subject, shut up.  Even if the rest of the conversation is silent between both of you.  Don't worry, you have planted a seed and (especially with men and children) you will not  hear a positive respond.  (When a women speaks concerns to a man, Men tend to regress mentally to when he was a child and his mother  first express concern or scold him.)  You think that the person listing to you is that adult you see in front of you, but  his conscience has just been put down by his sub-conscience.  

There is a good book on this subject of men titled (I'm not sure right now) "Secrets about men..."  it explains how men think, function and  react.  You must read.  

Finally, if your husband goes into a rage and walks out on you and your dinner, calmly finish you dinner  (make sure you have enought money to pay the bill and leave a good tip for the waitress 20% and return home.  Act like nothing happen.  If your husband approached you, listen to what he has to say and tell him your come back to him with a respond.  Tell him give me a week I'll let you know during our dinner next week.  Good luck.  My email is GADNYNJ@yahoo.com

ParentingEvolved's picture
ParentingEvolved

While I completly understand your distress, I as a father, would like to respond from a mans point of view.  I guess the first question would be what do you mean off the handle?  As long as we're not talking about abuse here, then I'll continue.                                      

Men deal with children, especially girls, way different than women do.  Consistency with a 4 and a half year old between parents is not, in my opinion, a big deal.  Just because his way is different than yours, does not, mean its the "wrong" way.  You must be consistent with your child, and so must he, however, your discipline does not have to be the same way.  Your child will (or probably already does) know the difference in her punishment depending on whos getting on to her.  I don't fly off the handle when I discipline our daughters, I do, however only ask once.  My wife gives warnings, and I don't.  Our 3 year old already understands this, and responds accordingly to who is getting on to her.                                            

The reason I don't give warnings is because I've seen too many parents do the 1..2..3 thing and then not follow through when they get to three.  I ask my daughter to quit once, and if she doesn't listen, she goes into timeout, and it works for my daughter and I.                                   

As far as him spending time with your daughter, try planning a weekend activity for them ( or whenever he has a day off ).  If he's an outdoors kinda guy, tell them to go fishing, or just exploring in a timberline or something.  If he's an indoors kinda guy, have him play a game with her inside, put together a puzzle, something like that.  If he says he doesn't want to, guilt him into it :) .  Seems harsh maybe, but once he starts spending more time with her he'll get over it.                                               

www.parentingevolved.com