ee28chi's picture

curfew problems with 23 year old.

my son is 23 years old. he lives at home . and me and my husband give him a 1 am curfew on the weekdays , and a 2 am curfew on weekends. we also do not allow him to sleep out.  we do this becasue he is living under our roof , so our rules. however we have been having big issues with it because he complains that it majorly effects his social life . and more importantly to him his relationships . his arguments are also that he is 23 , has a college degree, works ( 30-35) hours a week. and it is hard on him everytime he meets someone new to have to explain to them his rules, and hope that they still think of him as a man and not a little boy. he has never been in trouble and is a respectful kid. are we in the wrong ?

MiniMom2424's picture

I'm 22, not living at home and I also have a 2 year old son. That's a big difference, but I will give you my opinion as if I were living at home.
He should agree to live by the rules in your house because it is under your roof. You guys probably have to work in the morning as well, so him coming home at all hours of the morning disrupts your sleep. I agree with the 1 am curfew on the weekdays. May be you could be more lenient on the weekends with him.
Tell him that if he doesn't like those rules, than he could pay some rent, pay for his own food and than maybe you would consider things a bit more with him. Or he could be a 23 year old and find his own apartment to live in.
But, there are some upsides to him that you don't find alot in men these days. He does have a degree, a full time job and as you said, he's respectful. Have a talk with him on what he expects for rules as a 23 year old. Maybe there's something that you can work out with him to meet both of your needs. Good luck.

SnglDad's picture

Sometimes people make rules, just because they can. Ask yourself this " what are the reason for the rules I have set?". Is he waking you up when he gets home? Seems kinda late to set a curfew if thats the case. You say that he is respectful, and never been in trouble. I can see where these rules would have an impact on his social life. If you want him out of the house, then tell him. If thats not the case, let him have fun while he is young. He has proved himself to be responsible, he has a college degree, and works.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Shld the same flexibility apply to a girl? At 23, living under my parents' roof, I wasn't allowed the freedom of staying out all night. In my case, though, I worked as a waitress, so many nights I got home pretty late.
Now that I'm a parent, I can understand better why my parents worried. I know you have to let go sooner or later, but it's really hard.
Use your judgement. If you feel your son is a responsible young man, and you trust that he'll make responsible choices, give him the chance to prove himself to you. However, if your son goes against your wishes and destroys your trust in him, then consider going back to rules and a curfew.
I like the idea of him paying rent. Your son is an adult, and he needs to chip in financially, if he's not doing so already. Eventually encourage your son to get his own place. I think living on your own is such a good experience b/c it teaches you to be responsible and not to rely on others. That's the one thing I regret never doing.

acitez's picture

I have sent four daughters out into the world. When they live at home, no matter what the age, I tell them I have to know their plans, both itinerary and companions when they go out. I TELL them it is so I can find them if there is an earthquake, but really it is to encourage them to be on their own. There is also a bit of the "so I don't worry" factor. Bad things do happen (to men and women) and it is good to be able to tell the police that so-and-so was expected at one o'clock (or two or three) and is always prompt, if they go missing.

It would be courteous for him to tell you when he expects to be home, and for him to enter the home quietly to avoid waking you.

2xstepmom's picture

My 24 y/o daughter recently moved back home after 4 years. She is going to school and working and has no curfew. I don't expect her to tell me when I should be in (she does try LOL) and show her the same respect. As long as she is quiet and does not bring a male friend home with her, it is fine with me. Enforcing a time to be in when she was under 18 was difficult enough. We have no strife and get to enjoy one another. It is a joy to have her at home with me. I worried a lot more before she moved back in here. She certainly had no curfew then! She chooses tell me her plans and will call if they change drastically but that is her choice and not a requirement of mine.

Your son has a college degree and is respectful. Let him have some freedom so he will learn to make good choices when he is on his own. And the bonus is that you will get to have a great relationship with the wonderful son you have raised!!!! Enjoy this time you have with him!

Shannon's picture

She is 22 yr old step daughter living in my and her dads home has a 4 yr. old daughter and 2 yr. old living w/ us. We'd rather baby sit than her take them God knows where. She is suppose to be home weekdays no later than 8 and weekends 2 am she comes home @ 5 or not at all. We took her car for a week and the first day getting her car back she was out until 4 - 5 AM. What to Do?

re: your situation... No you are not in the wrong unless you are treating your home like a frat house he has his own dorm exits in and out of his side of the house, pays rent and cleans up after himself, cooks his own meals and basically a roommate-that you don't see. You sound very caring and why doesn't he have his own apartment? My daughter has never worked a day, and has only H.S. diploma.

tamz's picture

I think it's unreasonable to tell your son he can not sleep outside the house at 23 years old!! Dude, he's a man... I would never let someone control me that way.

If you agree together that he can live with you then he should be respectful and follow the rules, but he is still in charge of his own life.

Now the woman who is young and has children involed should be home every night taking care of them.

A full grown man who has a job and a college degree should stay out all night if he wants to. You treat him like he's a teenager.

Nalansor's picture

Why is he still living at home? He's got a job and a social life, so why mooch off of you? Does he pay rent?

I'm 33 and was on my own at 21. The only reason I temporarily moved back in with my parents was when I was 25 and saving money to build a house. We agreed on rules/responsibilities and all was fine.

Further: it's your house. Re-claim it. Kick him out and live by your own rules.

Phoenix Rising's picture
Phoenix Rising

I am almost 30 and have lived on my own since I was 15 so from my own stand point I don't know why hes at home. BUT you guys must as a whole be awesome parents.

My Mother on the other hand lived with my grandmother till she was 30 (with me as a kid so I kinda get it).....She never had a curfew..

As a Parent of four kids my self. I could understand if this was a teenager but hes 23!! He deserves to have a life of his own. I can imagine the embarrassment of having to say that he has to go home becasue mom and dad say so. AS female I would not date someone who's mom and dad had them on a curfew at age 23. Whats that say about them? Are his Parents going to try and control our lives too?

StrongerWise's picture

Yes, you are in the wrong. I say this because 1) he is an adult, and 2) if you ever want him to move out of your house, him being able to establish friendships/relationships with his peers will only speed things along. Putting a curfew on a 23 year old can only erode his confidence in himself. Plus; why create the hassle? He's grown, it's causing fights and anger, it's not necessary, why go through the trouble? Just let him be.