mommaM's picture
mommaM

6 yr old- Discipline for bad school behavior

I have a 6 yr old stepson who lives with his mom the majority of the time.  We are having issues knowing how to discipline him if he does something wrong at school.  Mom takes the approach that the school does the disciplining, and he does not suffer any consequences when he gets home.  Dad on the other hand thinks he should also be disciplined when he gets home and will discipline him the next time he has custody- which could be a day or two after the bad behavior occured.   

My question is:  At age 6, is it beneficial to have him answer to consequences that long after the bad behavior?  Is he old enough to understand?  Dad always explains why he is being punished and talks to him about his previous behavior.  Are we doing more harm than good?



SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Why is Dad not at the school? Why is Dad not being called by the school when these things happen? Dad needs to become involved.My kids teachers all know me by first name. I volunteer when I can, and attend every confrence. Teachers need to know that if Mom cannot, will not, help Dad is always available. I wouldnt punish after the fact, but I would talk with him about it and let him know that it is not acceptable behaviour. Dad needs to document this and look at school records. I would also communicate with the mother and address these issues. This will be a record for future use. Yes, Dad can only stand by for so long and allow lazy parenting to harm his child. I would say nothing to the mother about any plans, but I would use this in court. This young man deserves better parenting.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

Could you describe some of the misbehaviors?  If they are just developmental, then punishing for something the child is unable to do as yet is like punishing a puppy because it can't fly.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

 Puppies will never fly. To expect a puppy to fly is being unrealistic. Schools are very aware of a childs abilities. If he is getting in trouble, and the school is contacting the mother, obviously it is something the school believes he is able to control. Dad needs to be a regular fixture at the school.

stephy's picture
stephy

It is not beneficial to a 6 year old to punish him so long after a misdemeanour. That will only confuse him more. Action needs to be taken at the time and that is why Mum and or Dad should be at that school and discussing the problems. If the problem is school based then the discipline should also be school based with imput from the parents. If a child misbehaves at home, you would not expect the school to do the disciplining for you. 

mindyw's picture
mindyw

I'm sure you are in an odd situation as it not being your child and all but it sounds like you're concerned.  It would depend on WHAT my child did at school as to whether or not he got punished at home in addition to any school punishment.  I still think you are right to have dad do the discipline, even if it is after the fact.  6 year olds will get it, 2 or 3 days after.  It would be better if it weren't that long after the fact but I know that's not always possible.    

mommaM's picture
mommaM

The types of responses I've gotten are very interesting.  I did not post the question to "bash" any parties parenting abilities or punishment styles.  It was more to try and understand the way a 6 yr old mind works (through others experiences) and to maybe learn different or creative ways of letting him know his behavior is unacceptable.  At age 5 I'd say that he didn't understand getting in trouble after the fact, but I feel that age 6 is the tricky year.   We are trying to figure out the most effective way to help him understand why certain behaviors are wrong and help him change his behavior.  Behaviors range from talking out of turn, making noise during quiet time, not sitting still, an occasional hitting another kid(which we're told was playing-hmmm), staying on the playground when he should be in class.  I know a lot of these are typical, but when it gets to the point a teacher calls, or writes a note home or he has marks every day- it needs to be stopped.  We've tried timeout, taking away cartoons- video games-dessert -playing with friends.  We've also tried rewarding good behavior. 

Please, no more comments about how he needs better parents, or anything negative for that matter.  He is very much loved by all.  We are just trying to learn different ways to help him learn to control his behavior now so it doesn't get worse later on.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

So you've done the sticker chart thing?  With an erratic reward schedule?  One thing I've heard of is the teacher sends a behavior report home every day, and if it has a positive comment, you just read that part out loud, and then maybe maybenot ask him if he is proud of that.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

 .

Your question was "Are we doing more harm than good?". You ask this question, and then want to dictate the responses you receive? Don't ask the question to which you do not want the answer to.
I stand by what I said. Dad needs to be more involved at the school. If that sounds like criticism, so be it. Punishing a child after the fact, rather than being proactive and attempting to prevent this continued behavior is lazy parenting.

mommaM's picture
mommaM

I want helpful answers to my question.  The problem is you don't give any.  You just immediately attack and assume lazy parenting.  Your posts have very angry undertones and I will no longer read or respond to the thread.

 

mum3's picture
mum3

mommaM - you must be new to boards:)  I think the same people that have road rage are the same ones that come on these boards and bash people....If someone is critical, so be it, but just be prepared for it next time.   To answer your question: it is fine for your husband to discipline a day or two after the fact as long as it is warranted and especially if a note is given.  Yes, it is best if both parents are at the school to talk to the teacher, but that's not always possible.  Perhaps the father could schedule a meeting w/ the teacher and the child during lunch or after school.  Any good teacher would be willing to do that and I'm sure the father can fit that in somehow.  Plus, the behavior problems you described are very normal for 6 yrs.  My 6 yr old had the same issues and I had a conference w/ her teacher and my child and came up w/ a plan that if my child behaves well all week, I'll eat lunch w/ her on Friday - it worked like a charm.  If she had days where she misbehaved, not only did she not earn a lunch w/ me, but she had computer time, etc taken away that day.