I'm also having the same problems!! I have a 6 year old son that doesn't listen, he thinks he can do whatever he wants. He tells me that I'm mean and that I love our 18 month old son more than him. He's in first grade and has started getting notes sent home. When we tell him what he "is" going to do, he screams and says he's not, he tells us "NO", and has even gone as far as telling me he will shoot me with his gun. (toy gun) I know he's just a child, but it does scare me when he says things like that. My husband is a Police Officer, so I believe he thinks he is too. My husband and I do believe in spanking (as a last resort), and we take things away and punish him, but still, nothing works. We try to spend time with him and love him but then he thinks we're supposed to do that constantly (spend time w/him). We can't be here all the time with him and my 18 month old is still a baby and gets into things, so of course we have to constantly keep an eye on him. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!! I don't know what else to do!!!!!!!

Hello MBeth,

After reading your post (and your background), I was hoping you could elaborate on the "basic things" with regards to a strong-willed child. I have a 5 year old (almost 6) son who, though very bright and loving at times, is also very defiant 90% of the time and physically attacks me at home (hitting, biting scratching, etc.), grocery store, etc. He tells me to shut my mouth, calls me "fat", etc.

I have tried EVERYTHING including but not limited to consistent time outs, a reward system for good behavior, and spanking. Spanking (which we only used for about a month) had the greatest positive effect but I had him see a child-psych this summer & she said not to spank & that I could be hotlined for it!!! Mind you, he is far from abused and I was upset by her comment bcz it took me so long (and many disagreements with my husband) to agree to spank. When I spanked, I used a frosting spatula over pants with three short wacks. It was an "I mean what I say" spank vs. an uncontrolled frustration spank. .

At any rate, my family members are unsupportive and judgmental and I'm really at a loss when it comes to helping him, disciplining him, and establishing that I AM THE PARENT. I'll try anything.

So much for the hippie dippie parenting techniques I read from a book.

My six year old daughter will not accept the word "no".
The fit that accompanies the word is ridiculous. I walk away, which infuriates her. I refuse to talk to her until she settles down. She loves playdates, and is fine in others homes, but once someone arrives here, she ends up in tears. I cannot handle her and feel myself losing it.
What can I do to get her to stop arguing and to use appropriate behavior? We have always been consistent in our discipline, she never gets away with it, but continues to fight us.

Punishment means “to subject to pain”, “to inflict a penalty”, “to put to painful exertion”. Thus, the word itself sounds so cruel to us, then imagine, how kids would feel when they sense that they will be getting one (doesn’t matter how mild a punishment could be).

Unfortunately, it will only work if you want to get things done out of fear and not with respect. Things that are done with the feeling of fear will leave a scar in one’s mind and heart and reflects negatively on one’s self-esteem. Punishment creates the feeling of vengeance, initially it reflects in anger and arguments, and later on can turn into violent behavior.

My sincere suggestion to you would be to do positive talk i.e. what is it that you are looking for instead of what should not be done. I am going to tell you a few techniques that have produced marvelous results for me with my 6yrs old daughter.
Because of those simple but powerful talks on a couple of occasions she actually started crying, and innocently said, “Mom, I am very sorry. I know I behaved very badly with you, but you are still very nice with me.” In response, I told her, “No dear, you are an angel, and I know you didn’t want to hurt me in reality, but your mind was not thinking right. Perhaps, next time, if you first think from you heart and then say things, then you will never ever hurt me again.”

For e.g.:

 If they are throwing things, instead of saying, “don’t throw”, say, “ I would be really proud of you if you can put your toys neatly in the toy basket”.

 If the room is messy and they are making more mess, do not use the word “not” in your sentence. Say (by boosting their self esteem) “I know you are very good in cleaning the room. Let me know if I can help you. I can be your little helper.”

 If your kid is talking rudely, and exchanging arguments. Stop arguing suddenly and say, “Is there something bothering you? I can help you if you can share your feelings with me.” (Be ready to hear anything, but make sure, you are not even going to raise your voice to what you hear.).

If they say that they do not want to talk to you, and keep repeating words rudely then say, “I am sure; you are upset with something, which is why I can hear rude words from you. I know you are an angel who would never hurt anyone, not even with their words.” Stay silence for a couple of minutes and then say, “Though, I am very sad, because of the rude words, I know we can be happy again if we share our feelings. I am sure; both of us can fix the problem as a team.”

 Make them feel that you are their friend and not their enemy. Assume, if you are doing the same mistake, and how would you want another person to behave with you, obviously, respectfully and politely. Thus do the same with your kid that you expect other people to do with you. Yes, they are little human beings, just like us, but much more emotional that we could expect.

 Make them feel that they can trust you. And remember, make only those promises that you can fulfill. If you promise that you will not hit them, then no matter what, do not hit them, otherwise your kids will not trust you. If you promise that you will not get angry, come what may, do not frown and raise your voice. Instead make a sad face, and then reply.

There are a lot of other things that we could do to correct the situation, improve the behavior, and get what we want in result. It all depends on what your outlook is.

Best,
-Rakhi from cheenifortots

I was reading your comment, and agree about children not being respectful enough, and society accepting it, where discipline is lighter than it used to be. I have always told my son, since he wsa 2 - 3, what was expected, and reinforced it. He didnt always comply immediately, but he seemed like he learned by understanding expectations.

I am finding myself trying to reward his good behavior, to reinforce and remind him what he should already know. I do find myself spanking him, although I dont want to.. for throwing something, (at home today). I dont want to show him that hitting is okay, because he HAS to keep his hands to himself. I am getting so frustrated with his attitude., and the conferences I have had with the assistant principal and his teacher.

His problem is NOW he is in Kindergarten, and the first few weeks were okay, some minor incidents of disobedience, disruptiveness. (He did attend Daycare and PreK the two years prior, so he hasnt been living under a rock. ) His last few weeks have been continually worse, he is not handling his emotions well, running away, occasionally throwing something, handling dissapointment poorly, wont take time-outs., a relatively minor problem, cannot be resolved, and he escalates it. He has been sent home today, and I have to seek some kind of therapy. He is suspended from Kindergarten for tomorrow, his aggressive handling of his temper. His maturity is just not there, and I have to learn how to teach him these things.