cdn_mumof3's picture
cdn_mumof3

2 families, 2 parenting styles. Help.

I am new to this group. I found this while searching for advice, help, anything, on how to go about coming together as one and setting rules for our kids.
I am a divorced mom with three kids aged 13, 11 and 5. My boyfriend is a widow and a father of 3 as well, aged 17,14 and 10. His wife was killed 3 years ago, and the kids have had no discipline since, as the mom was the disipliner and he has felt sorry for them.
My problem is we bought a house and will be moving in this summer. My kids have rules, his kids to not. His oldest daughter has her boyfriend over and they are sexually active, in the house, and makes it known. I don't like that one bit, as there are younger children involved here. That's my only problem with the oldest. The middle daughter, she is on the computer/cell phone texting 24 hours a day. Ok, well, the computer automatically shuts off at 11pm, so she's on there till then. Cell phone goes off all hours of the night. My kids have limits as i don't think constant use is healthy. I like them to get out. Also, when she breaks curfew, which is 12am on weekends, she does not have consequences. He tells her he was waiting up for her and that's that. Meanwhile, he keeps me up by worrying about her and pacing the floor. I have explained my concerns with him and figure that we should nip this in the butt before we are in one house, but he doesn't think that's necessary. I have problems with my kids as well, they are messy and loud, but i am trying really hard to work on that with them now. Do you think it will be fair to my children that they have rules and his kids get a way with murder? Should the kids all have the same rules and consequences? I just don't have any other way of telling him this stuff as i have tried to explain. Also, he really favors his kids, which ya ok, they are his kids. But one, he makes my daughter stay home to babysit his son while he lets his daughter go skiing...hmmm not fair. And the new house, the oldest got to pick a room first so i think my oldest should pick next right? Nope, both his kids get to pick rooms, mine get left over. He is paying for the house, but I will be paying half of all the bills, so i think it should be concidered our house, and I am scared his kids will take control.

Anyone have any advice for me. I would really appreciate examples from real life situations too. Anything.



tamz's picture
tamz

Your right about one thing, his kids will take control. They already have control. Getting advice is not going to help you with the most difficult situation you will ever face BLENDING FAMILIES. Your statistical odds are that you will end up in divorce.

You and your spouse must get on the same page or you are doomed. He does love his kids more and he does favor them; accept that right now. However, do not allow him to treat the kids differently or have different rules. His 17 year old daughter should never be allowed in her bedroom with a boy. You should set a rule for all the children that they will never have a boy/girl in their room as long as they live there, unless they come to visit after they are MARRIED. One rule for all the kids.

I forsee so many problems for your household. If your spouse is already making the rules about rooms and such without consulting you then he will continue to do so after you move in. You MUST make a pact that you will make all decisions TOGETHER and be fair and consistent with the children.

You both have to be pretty dynamic people to pull this off. If I were to give you advice, I would say don't go through with it you will end up in divorce.

Be open minded and accept that you will have feeling of jealousy and resentment at times, this is normal. Give yourself a rule to think issues over for 24 hours before addressing them. Also treat each of your family members the way you want them to treat you and each other.

Best of luck to you!!!!