elisar's picture
elisar

Dealing with the Ex

Will I ever be rid of him? I went to drop the kids off at his house and asked him for his half of the cost of new skates for Eli. And he says that he's broke and doesn't have it. Well the skates were essential because Eli grew 2 inches since last season and his foot grew one size - so what am I supposed to do? Make him wear skates that kill his feet?No - I'm the good mom and I buy the skates, thinking jerko will pay half.I wish I could do this without any support from him - because it would be sooooooooooooo much easier than trying to get stuff from him - money, showing up at the kids' school stuff - everything!! I am tired.



elkesmom's picture
elkesmom

I am so sorry! I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that that must suck and I feel for you. :(

rnkinley's picture
rnkinley
Well, as the "observer" of what a not-so-good separated parent relationship looks like, I have to say I hear what you are saying! I am the Stepmom to my DSD who is 15 now and things have surely not gotten any better in the past 13 years that my husband and I have been together. His ex has sole custody of their daughter and has NEVER been supportive of his relationship with her. As a matter of fact, she has actually been detramental! She has always talked badly about him/our family in front of my Sd- complains about how "poor" she is and how we "flaunt" things to make her look bad, send us threatening letters/emails when she feels she has "issues" to discuss instead of talking in a civil way. It can go on and on forever. So to get to your concern, I suppose HOW the two of you communicate will have a huge impact on his "level of cooperation". Unless you have shared parenting arrangements, you should not expect to "split" all costs involved in raising your child. If he is supporting his child (as he should) financially in terms of the court ordered support, well then technically, he has fulfilled his "part" monetarily. However, if BOTH of you could somehow see to it to be the mature, responsible people that you are, then discussion can be an option for you when needs such as these arise. As I see it, it is much "easier to get something" using lemonade rather than lemons!  
Nanny416's picture
Nanny416

I've had this same problem!

All you have to do is go back to court and have these types of "extra expenses" added to the child support order.   You should list regular expenses such as school uniforms, the skates, (if you child is in a regular skating program each year, camp fees, etc,.  He may be made to pay a portion of these expenses on top of the regular child support oder.  Therefore you won't have to ask him for anything. 

You should also request in the child support order that he implement a savings plan for your child's post secondary education, and a life insurance plan for your child.

I wish you the best as these court issues tend to be extremely stressful, but in the end it avoids much.

dmyres's picture
dmyres

Thanks for this advice.  I can't get child support or even get medical expenses out of my ex.  I have received some CS in the past but when we got down to two kids and one lived with him and the other with me we called it even but now I have one and he has none and has not paid a dime.  Now I have to file on him.  What a hassle.  I have medical bills on my son I send him every month.  I just want half.  I get nothing.  He has moved and I got a town from our son but no address.  I will find him and some how get the money probably but in the meantime my son and I have to live on peanuts.  What is wrong with some men?  I have even defended this one with "Well, he has a good heart it is just pickled in beer."  But five years later I don't think it anymore.  The judge in my case even let him off the hook and sentenced me with our house until it sold.  No child support he only had to pay half of the mortgage payment which was a whopping $900.00.  My salary at the time - $11,000 a year.    The judge was a female so I know there are women just as bad as men.  I went through a period of time when I didn't even trust a sole from my family.  Times are getting better so I guess hanging in there is the best advice.

JeanetteC's picture
JeanetteC

I hear you.. My son is 4 and his father and I have been seperated for about 3 yearsl. Currently going thru a divorce. He has not paid my sons day care since maybe January, hasnt given me a dime for child support, was unemployed for about 2 months and just now finally got a job and he wants to go before a judge and request that I do not move to another city because he has been a commited father!! Whatever! It would be so much easier if he wasnt even in the picture..

pp2006's picture
pp2006

I'm in the same boat...and he hardly pays child support.  He's lost his drivers license in 2005 and this year had 4 liens placed on all of his bank accounts by the State--I don't receive TANF, just a reipient of their child support enforcement services there and a very squeaky wheel, by the way...

The situation will never change unfortunately, as far as the ex's go, but there is one thing you can change...only yourself.  I would only suggest budgeting a mere amount each week into a savings account for these times and searching Goodwills and sporting goods stores that sell used sporting equipment...most of that is in very good condition because kids grow out of their things so quickly!  Good luck, from one mom to another.. :)

ucgirl2003's picture
ucgirl2003

Wish I had had a message board when the kids were little, I sounded just like you. My ex left us, his doing. Wish I had never begged him to do anything, what a disservice to our children. The kids pay, in the long run, they pay. If he isnt interested, so what? move on. Let him go. His loss.

BobMeadows's picture
BobMeadows

Elisar,

 

How can a man ignore the lives of his children?

How can a man care so little he won't ensure his kids are cared for in the best way he could?

How can a man deny his children the emotional anchor he can give, even at a distance?

How can a man treat the mother of his kids with such disrespect and apathy?

 

You know what? Maybe I'm right...maybe a "man" can't!

 

A little advice if you have interest. You probably know, but, it is important for you to take the high road. Don't run down, or speak in a negative way about your Ex in front of your kids. They are perceptive and will see the truth for themselves. You should try to set the positive example for them to model, and believe me; they will reflect your behaviors in theirs. Don't raise your voice when talking with your Ex. When you do, you are falling for the stupid idea that volume is a substitute for logic or reason. Besides, you are letting him push your buttons. And again, you are setting a bad example for your kids.

 

Your focus should be to establish as much independence as possible in order to lift the pressure from your life and your children’s future.

 

Good luck!

 

DaMoKi Bob

 

jc_eric's picture
jc_eric

For as hard as it seems, he realy does care.  Trust me, not all MEN, are evil.  In fact, im actually the innocent, but thats besides the point.  There are ways to ask things that will help things.  Bashing your ex is a very bad thing.  I learned the hard way.  My kid look me straight in the ey and said if you dont stop, ill slap both of ya.  Kinda made me think a lil bit.  HE or SHE may be stubborn, but hey, we all are at times, and to give is to recieve.  and later is better than never.  Remember to be nice, is to get nice. 

 

God Bless

proudmommy_2's picture
proudmommy_2

Dealing with ex..... Seems to be a never ending situations. We have been separated since 2005. We are still going through the divorce because of the Ex- ever changing mind.... kept on filing unnecessary documents.... why I asked... he still could not give an answer....
Now,I am dealing with him trying not to pay his child support obligations. He must have found out that 'joint-custody' would relieve him from his obligations. Well... that is what I am going through now. He would rather spend money for an attorney retainer than paying child support.
Yes, we are all in the same boat. Keep on pedalling by praying, I know GOD will keep our boat stay floating and will take us to a safe and awesome island.....
God Bless everyone!