Tonya39's picture
Tonya39

My daughter is a snob

I received a call from my daughters 3th grade teacher i was told that she was spreading things about another little girl ,first i thought not my sweet little girl then i was told that she does this a lot ,that she makes faces at a few of the girls .This is my daughters second time in this grade with her old grade when in 3rd she had 4 friends and never talked to anyone she was very shy but this year from what i heard she is the child they all want to be friends with ,lately she tells me about other kids clothes and shoes ,the way their hair looks and says some are just ugly i recently went to her school and saw the girls she hangs out with they all dress nice and are pretty then i saw the ones that she talks mean to.i stood and watched as my daughters group talked and laughed and the few kids on the outside looked at them so sad i felt really bad or them even the boys in the grade seemed to be hanging out close to my daughters group .this really bothered me because i did not realize i had raised a child that could be mean like this and only in the third grade and 9 and a half yrs old i have not talked to with her about this yet because im not sure were to start in school i did the cheering and hung with more popular groups my sister was cruel to people i stayed more shy and had friends from all social groups i keep thinking she might grow out of this my sister sees no problem with it because she raised her own girls this way my daughter seems to be real happy and i do not want to put pressure on her about her actions but i feel like she is turning into a snob and i did not think this kind of things started this early recently i talked to my brother and was told my niece who is 10 yrs does not want to come around my daughter because she made fun of her and told her she was ugly and had a boys haircut and now my brother blames my daughter for his child saying she feels weird and cant do anything right should i talk with her or hope she grows out of it ?



SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Should you address this behavior? I would think yes, and as soon as possible. She has become more popular for no other reason than she is older. Her behavior may stem from being held back a year. A low self esteem may be the reason she needs to make herself feel “above” the other kids. Your daughter is judging others by their appearance, and ability or inability to wear nice clothes. Her actions are not just a phase, but a character flaw. Whereas some may think this is “normal” behavior, so is lying, but as parents we do not accept lying and punish our children when they do lie to us. Your daughter may have had things come to her too easy and does not appreciate that others do not always have that option. Judging others on their outward appearance tends to keep us in the shallow end of the social pool. Address this with her, and place yourself in a position to give her examples to go by.

summer5kids's picture
summer5kids

I also have a daughter who is in third yes they do start early with the clique i noticed at her school much of the same things third grade should be dolls and pony's but it is not it is who has the clothes and who your friends are do not feel alone with this parents have been going through this forever it makes you scared to say anything because the truth is no one wants there child to be made fun of or not be part of the in group ,i would talk to her just explain it is okay to have the friends she has but try to remember everyone has feelings if she does not want to be there friends it is her choice but that does not mean she has a right to make fun of them tell her to try and just not say anything to them if it is going to be mean she s young and still learning about life .take care and good luck

kedzfam4's picture
kedzfam4

When my daughter was about ten she started being mean to her cousin...making comments about the way she looks, etc. I found out that this happened and had a serious talk with my daughter about how to treat others, etc. I made her call her cousin's mom to apologize to her aunt. She had to apologize to her cousin and tell her at least three nice things about her. My daughter was crying as she did this so I hope it sunk in that at no time should she degrade or put down anyone else. We talked about how you want to be thought of and the type of person you want to be. She has never said anything mean like that since (she's now 15)and I think her own insecurities are starting to come out (now that she's in high school) and she see's that she's not perfect and how other girls can be mean as well. I think you should DEFINITELY talk about this with her or it may progress to where she's really bullying other kids.

tamz's picture
tamz

Teach your daughter to treat people the way she would want to be treated. Also teach her about the concept of karma or cause and effect; there may be a time when she needs the help of someone she has abused or she may at some point be abused herself. Help her understand that what she is doing is abusing another person. Teach her that abusing people is UGLY.

Make her take personal responsibility for how she treats others. The one thing that is more important than pretty clothes, good grades, best friends, toys, talents, ethnicity, money or anything else is CHARACTER!

My son is 9 years old and he understands the concept of character. He often sticks up for the people who are abused by kids like your daughters clique. She is not too young to learn this concept and if you don't address this issue then you are doing her a disservice as her mother and example of virtue.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

This post really bothers me. Of course you shld address this behavior right away. What if your daughter was the one being made fun of? Wldn't you want other parents to correct their children's behavior? It's great that your daughter is popular in school, but she doesn't have to be a "snob". Wherever she is picking up this mentality from, it needs to stop. You need to teach your daughter that everyone is different, and although they may not think or dress like her, they deserve the same respect as she wld expect to receive from others. It's really sad that kids need to stoop to the level of making fun of others to feel good about themselves. By you not taking action to correct this behavior, you are basically telling your daughter it's ok to act this way. I know you don't want to mess up your daughter's popular image and school status, but I'll tell you what. Your daughter will never make it in the real world if she continues to act this way. There's a nice way of handling situations w/out putting people down. If your daughter doesn't want to hang out w/ certain kids for whatever reason, that's her choice. However, she doesn't have to go out of her way to make them feel bad about themselves. Think what this is doing to these kids!! Lose that "I feel sorry for these kids attitude", and step up to the plate and do something about the situation!! I apologize if I'm coming across sounding harsh, but this is a sensitive subject for me that I don't take lightly.

Tonya39's picture
Tonya39

i feel what you are saying i have been spending some time in her room since the end of the year is here ,i have seen all this first hand and have been working with one of her teachers to get her to stop and pay attention to how the other kids feel .i say one teacher because the other does not feel like this is a issue just like today i picked my daughter up and the one teacher hug her and said i'm going to miss you sweetie my sweet pretty angel ..Umkay that is part of the trouble my daughter has a the so called big head from stuff like that .2 days we were outside at school having summer blast and i noticed one of the kids my child seems to go after alot didnt have any money for a snow cone i bought the cone and asked my daughter if she would be nice and take it to her i was shocked at the response "eeww do i have to cant you ,you bought it for her not me "i did not want to make a scene but told my daughter i am not asking i am telling you to take it and be nice ,i do not act like this and would never so im sure i know where she is getting it from and i have put the rules at my sister and girls over this .but im afraid she did not turn into this snob of a girl over night and it will take time to help her see the light but i plan to work on this all summer long my daughter is going to have a pool party at our house she will be passing out the invites at school in the morning she was mad that i made her invite all the kids but i tried to explain how hurt some would be when she responded "i hope they dont come ,and i will just die if they do " i told her either invite them or no one will show up because their will be no pool party.i plan to go to the school with her in the morning for a last day breakfast (i will watch to make sure she does what she should do the right thing to do and give every child a invite like i said i feel like this is going to be a challenge for my daughter and myself i rhink this is going to be a long summer !

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Tonya,

I'm happy you're taking action. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Maybe you shld encourage your daughter to do some volunteer work for people who are less fortunate. Something like that might be a wake up call for her. Also, if she's old enough to get a paying job, have your daughter earn money to pay for her own things like her clothes, shoes, etc. Maybe then she'll see how hard it is to work for what you want. Not everyone has the luxury of nice things, and your daughter shld consider herself lucky. I think when she gets older, she'll realize that being materialistic is so trivial. There are so many more things in life to be concerned w/. Hopefully, in time, your daughter will realize what's really important, and her attitude towards others will change.

Tonya39's picture
Tonya39

she is only in the fourth grade so the work thing is out ,today being the last day of school was a night mare she did give the all the kids the invite but when it come to the awards the kids voted on this not the teacher not every child got a award very sad .my daughter made a point to let everyone know she got the most,then when the kids she doesnt like a few got one she made a point to say eeww why did they get that i was very upset her teacher did nothing and a few of the mothers said that she was a brat but a few said leave it to her to say that she is so cute i did not think this was cute ,and if it wasnt for the invites already being given out their would be no pool party ,i have told her she can not use the computer which she thinks i have ruined her summer already because i took her off it for 2 weeks she says she will die with out her my space ..my daughter seems to be about to die over a lot lately .i went to speak to them in the office i was told they are aware of the trouble in this grade but it isnt just my child doing it .then i was told by a parent that she wished my child would leave hers alone i told her i am working on this and how sorry i am .but i did take up for my child because while i understand where she is coming from that is still my child she is young and has been hanging around older cousins which i have put a stop to until we can fix this .i will not give up on her i know she can change

tamz's picture
tamz

Wow, this is really sad. My son is going into 4th grade and he has to earn money by taking out the trash and cleaning his room daily and picking up the yard. You should give your daughter a "job" and make her use her own money to buy things. If she does not have enough money to buy an object (that she does not need) then don't get it for her.

It's more important to teach your child humility and kindness than it is to give her all the pretty things and have her abuse other people. You should buy her "wallmart" brand only and if she wants the name brand then she should earn the money to pay the difference.

In the end, your daughter will not be very well liked and that seems to be the most important thing to her.

Good luck in teaching your daughter character and how to be humble. Genuine beauty comes from a gentle and kind character, your daughter's behavior is ugly and you need to find a way to convince her how ugly her actions are.

Tonya39's picture
Tonya39

im trying to come up with ways to help her ,my daughter used to be a very caring ,sweet girl she picked the underdogs to be friends with until lately it seems to have changed or started to change in second grade after christmas when her best friend who did not have the nice clothes they met in grade k ,her mom told me that she came home and said my daughter had pulled her hair and pulled until she was on the ground ,i punished my daughter and she has never tried anything like that again but after that it changed dont get me wrong she and the little girl are best friends out of school when others are not around she calls her ,her at home friend and calls her to come over almost everyday .but at school she says hey to her and that is all they have no classes together my daughter is not mean to her like calling names or making fun of her and i have explained she is not being nice by making her a at home friend only she takes up for her im not sure of what makes her different from the few others .as for her doing things she does have things she has got to do around the house she helps clean the pool ,her room is always clean "she will even clean her brothers" she helps clean the floors. she takes care of her puppy ,bath, food everything .she also reads to a handicapped child every other day so i know she has a lot of love in her this is mostly school based .she also always says thank you and please .my child has manners when it comes to everything except what we are dealing with now .if you met my daughter you would think how sweet people say this to us all the time but then she has this part of her that changes and people get a shock .i understand what you say about the clothes thing but i want my child to dress nice ,i dont make her buy her clothes but extra stuff she does have to buy with money earned when i said no about a job i meant a public job.we plan to work on this during the summer and i feel like she can make changes before next year .i have also told her no cheer camp with her cousins who are all teens because they act like this and i think that may be where some of this is from i hope a summer away from playing ball and doing cheer camp will help in the changes .