casey22's picture
casey22

boyfriends at age 10 yrs

while eating out with my daughter she started talking to me about the boys at school ,she asked me why they dont think she is pretty ,i asked her why does she feel that way thats when she told me that her best friend since grade k .her bestfriend is a grade lower than her due to being held back .she told me that boys come to her asking her to tell her friend that they like her they tell her from both the grade my daughter is in and also the grade her friends in .{her friend has long hair and my daughters hair will only grow to her shoulders so far ,her friend wears make up,shaves her legs }.i just feel like 3rd and 4th grade is to young to do all that .we dont have the money to buy all the nice name brand clothes that her friend has .what makes this harder is her mom and i are best friends also and i know ho much she spends on her childs clothes and it is way to much .we get her dont want clothes anymore and are happy to get them !! not my bestfriend or myself are rolling in money but her daughter wears the clothes from the hollister and abercromie stores i shop at kmart and walmart i just can not see putting that much into clothes.but this really hurts my daughter feelings i tried telling her she is pretty but i think she feels like the ugly duckling next her and get jealous im not sure how to work through this with her i dont want it to ruin any of her friendships because they have both been there for us .



acitez's picture
acitez

I would just point out that different people mature at different ages. You only get to be a child for a few years, you spend the rest of your life as a grown-up and having a boyfriend is an adult thing. Adults also have to clean toilets and pay bills.

I would make sure that the media she uses (including library books) are age appropriate. It is unreal how the media fosters precocious sexual interest. Even the magazines you have for yourself or your older daughters can influence her. I saw this with the Girl Scouts I led a number of years ago. The families had appropriate popular magazines, and the daughters would pick up adult themes from looking through them.

Nowadays, I've noticed that manga can be a problem. Some of them have adult themes, and it seems most of them have boyfriend-girlfriend themes.

It could also be that your daughter's friend has a condition called precocious puberty. It is a medical disorder. Your daughter should tell the boys to leave her friend alone. Her friend deserves an uncomplicated life, too.

kedzfam4's picture
kedzfam4

I have often had this same discussion with my daughter (she's now 15). I will not spend money at the fancy stores because you can get the same thing cheaper somewhere else. I started showing my daughter the comparisons. Like how you can get one sweatshirt at the fancy places or get 4 things at walmart. I also told her to ask for gift cards to the fancy stores for her birthday or christmas from her relatives and she can go and get something when it is on sale. Now she sees the value and would rather shop at the cheaper stores and get more. I also tried to promote the things that I think she is good at that are not based on just looks (drawing, dance, sports, cooking, etc.). I also explain to her that you will have many friends in your lifetime and for different situations...some from sports, some from work, church, school, etc. and that there may be some who are better at things than you, may be prettier, smarter at math, etc. but that you have gifts and talents as well. Everyone, (even the most beautifull person), is self-conscious and feeling awkward about something. What bothers someone else may not be a big deal to you. She just needs to remember this and remember why she is friends with someone...Not because of how they look, but who they are inside.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Great posts and very true!!!!

My daughter is considered gorgeous/ beautiful by everyone around her( I am daily amazed that such beauty came from ME, a very plain-Jane) but she feels she is ordinary looking and is very consious of all her "flaws". She was shunned by her former friends at 15 because of her looks, so it goes both ways. We also had the inner beauty/ talent/ accomplishment/character conversations which were very helpful. As an adult she says that is what got her through.

casey22's picture
casey22

i get what everyone is saying ,we have a dance on friday of coarse her friend has had alot of invites to go with ,my daughter has had not one and that is okay because i have told my daughter that she is a little young for all that but it is hard because she sees her friend with a boyfriend and i know she feels left out i told her one day she will to but when she is old enough .my daughter asked for a new outfit for the dance because her friend got one and she wants to wear make up to it she also explained her legs look so hairy why cant she shave ,i told her because i feel like she is not old enough to shave ,we did buy her a new shirt (walmart) and as for the make up i let her pick out a flavored lip gloss clear in color .i wanted this dance to be special for her also .at the last dance she felt lonely because her friend ran off with other girls who were trying to get the boys attention and the one little boy my daughter thinks is cute came up to her today she thought that since he had talked to her all day at school when he came up to her at the bus that he might ask her to go to the dance but he didnt he wanted to know who her friend was going with to the dance some how this doesnt seem right not the boy not asking her part but the fact that these children are 9 and a half,10 yrs and 11 yrs !

acitez's picture
acitez

So who is sponsoring a dance for these kids? When I was in 5th grade and 6th grade we had a dance in the afternoon at school, and the boys all stood against one wall, and most of the girls stood against the other wall, and some of the girls started dancing with each other and after 40 years I still remember how awkward it was. I think it must have been educational.

casey22's picture
casey22

its the PTO at the past dance during christmas she danced with a few boys (slow danced)i know what you are saying when i went to them we did the same as you but that doesnt seem to be the way a dance is now and at our school the dress codes are forgot after school hours i have seen some outfits on kids that teenagers shouldnt even be wearing ,my friends daughter will be wearing a shirt,small black mini skirt ,high heeled wedge shoes ,hair straightened,full make up.she will pick her up early .the dance is after school but like her mom told me last night she can not wear her reg school clothes to a dance and she needs to straighten her hair and that will take over a hour ,paint her toenails and finger nails ."i dont even spend that much time on my own hair " she is 9 and a half yrs old looks like she is 16 other than she is short ,she also has a myspace that is public not private as do several of the kids in her classes "i think it says she is 19 uumm no she is 9"

acitez's picture
acitez

The other girl's mom sounds like she is living out some adult fantasies at the expense of her daughter's childhood. This is just sick.

casey22's picture
casey22

dance went well the friends daughter danced a few times but her mom told her she needed to hang out with her friends some instead of just hanging with her boyfriend ,we had a sleep over at her house i stayed and talked with her mom(my best friend) i found that she to is having problems with her daughter and the boys it is very upsetting to her as well i had no clue because we have not been able to talk much since i have been having my daughter going through growing pains of her own ,she says her daughter told her she is tired of the boys bugging her and they both said they could not wait until summer break to get a break from it .as for the way she allows her daughter to shave she told me her daughter has dark hair and she was upset about the hair ,the dressing up and hours to get ready for the dance i was told she loves to do this and i must say she looked so wonderful and did get a lot of good comments as for the clothes well she says she does spoil her more than she should but it hasnt hurt her she is still a really sweet little girl,and after last night my daughter shouldnt need no clothes for the new school year because they got rid of most of this years clothes to us ,im not to proud to take them they are real nice some looked new.i do think it is nice of them to give them away instead of trying to make a few dollars out of them ,i also found out that my friend supplies food for another child at our school for the red backpack food .this is food for the weekend the school puts food in a red back pack a needy child will pick it up on friday use the food for the weekend and bring the empty bag back on monday they do this every week ,if the children did not get the foods they may not have food when out of school for the weekend i had no clue this even went on with the backpacks but monday i will check i would love to help with it they do this at alot of the schools so spread the word .i feel like i understand more about my bestfriend i should have talked to her before last night about it but i didnt want her to get upset at me over it.i still dont agree with all she does but thats what makes people different

acitez's picture
acitez

I'm glad you got more information.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

My parents always believed in allowing kids to be kids by not letting us grow up too quickly. I can relate to how your daughter feels b/c I too felt that way. At a certain age, kids start to think about the material things, and not so much about just being who they are. Everyone wants to fit in w/ their peers. Maybe you can treat your daughter on her birthday to a day of shopping. Don't make a habit of this, but make it a special event. Go when there are sales. Also, ask for gift certificates instead of specific gifts. This way your daughter can choose what she wants, and maybe she will feel like she fits in better w/ her friends. Tell your daughter that you are doing this b/c you love her but that really it doesn't matter what she wears or how she looks. She will always be a special person inside, and that's all that matters. Teach her what is really important in life, and don't let her feel she is any less of a person for the unimportant things. Some people (parents and kids) only care about image. It's sad, and I hope your daughter grows up realizing that's not what life is all about. Hope this helps.